I took dance class for years as a kid. I loved being up on stage, dancing my ass off in front of an auditorium full of strangers. As an adult, I performed stand-up comedy. Loved it. Loved making a bunch of people I’d never met laugh.
But performing my latest dance routine in the living room in front of my parents? A circle of hell I didn’t like to think about, even as a kindergardener. Telling my parents about some jokes I’m working on for a stand-up show? A circle of hell that doesn’t actually exist, because it is so bad that the devil is, like, “No, seriously, Andrea, nothing you could ever do would cause you to deserve this.” Keep reading »
According to the Howie Mandel-helmed show “Mobbed,” women just love elaborately choreographed proposals, involving hundreds of singers and dancers, and complex ruses. This particular proposal, though, doesn’t strike me as romantic–AT ALL. Nope. It just seems incredibly emotionally manipulative and messed up. Watch, as this poor woman thinks her boyfriend’s been cheating on her, and then is assaulted by a seemingly endless musical number. Geez. Pretty screwed up if you ask me. [FashionIndie]
Yes, your wedding was adorable. Look at your adorable mason jar center pieces! And your adorable balloons and/or adorable take on adorable flower alternatives! And your adorable color palette! And your adorable adaptation of an adorable song!
Oh look, an adorable reference to an adorable pop culture institution, adorably personalized to suit your adorable relationship with an adorable person. Look how you adorably side-stepped tradition with an adorable and unique adorable thing that looks like all the other unique adorable things I have been looking at non-stop for months on adorable wedding blogs and ugh.
I am so tired of adorable shit. Adorable shit is making me hate my own adorable shit, and if I had to pick some favorite adorable shit, it would be my own. Keep reading »
I started having emotional breakdowns about a month into wedding planning. Sweaty palms, heart racing, knees weak, teary eyes, total immobilization. I would find myself staring at a web page filled with tiki torches or green bridesmaid dresses or centerpiece ideas, and I would just stop dead in my wedding tracks.
It became the worst when Patrick would ask me for ideas or advice. Two questions in a row about the wedding and I’d be a shaky, sweaty mess. All of a sudden, my mind was deluged with worst-case scenarios and paralyzing fear of judgment from others. How do you plan a party everyone has already been to before, but also make it the paragon of amazing loveness that super-embodies the perfect lovey-face of your wonderful and unique relationship?
Moreover, will our venue let us put party lights up and what if we don’t have party lights and we trigger Armageddon right then and there?!
Wedding planning is the worst. Keep reading »
“So, this is awkward,” said the email from my friend, the bride. “But I’ve decided to keep my bridesmaids to just really close friends.”
She had three bridesmaids. I was the third. Apparently, she only had two really close friends, and I was not one of them.
“Wait,” I wrote back. “Why?”
“I don’t really feel like I need to explain myself to you,” she replied.
Oh. Keep reading »
I know, I know! You were thinking: “What do I get for the bride who got $17 million to get married and who announced she’s getting divorced only 72 days after the wedding?” Well, luckily Kris Humphries’ and Kim Kardashian’s wedding registry still has quite a few items left on it, worth around $172,000. If we all chip in, maybe we can get her a crockpot? After the jump, some of the more ridiculous items still left on her list. Keep reading »
Upon discovering that Kim Kardashian’s 72 day marriage to Kris Humphries was ending, our first concern was the incredible fortune they amassed during their brief union . There’s the $17.9 million they raked in for their televised, fairy tale extravaganza, the $2.5 million People allegedly shilled out for exclusive photo rights, and, of course, their Gearys Beverly Hills registry, which included a $7,850 vase and a $730 ice bucket, to name a few of the ridiculous items. We don’t know the exact dollar amount they made off with … but it was a lot. (And apparently Kim has sold her divorce story to People for an as yet undisclosed sum!) After the jump, our suggestions for what the couple should do with their spoils. We’re sure their lawyers will disagree. Keep reading »
Last month, my boyfriend Patrick and I drank a bottle of Jim Beam at the lake and decided to get married. When we peeled our faces off a sticky, half-deflated air mattress the next morning, we asked ourselves two questions: first, did we still want to get married, and second, how about some Taco Bell? Yes to both, thank you.
Eventually the time came for parental phone calls, and mine were excited and curious: where would our wedding be? When? Several minutes into the call, I heard my mom muse, almost absent-mindedly, “Andrea Hislastname ….” She didn’t ask if I would be changing my last name; she simply said what she believed my new name would be, just to see how it rolled off her tongue.
Patrick’s family did ask about changing my name, at least. And I told them: no, I’m not changing my name. For that matter, neither is Patrick. Of course, most folks would never think to ask if a guy might change his name upon marriage. It’s just not done in this country — and once I learned why, I became more sure than ever that I would never be anyone but Andrea Grimes. Keep reading »