Tag Archives: wedding

Hitched: You Don’t Have To Go To All The Weddings

One of my friends is going to a wedding this summer, and the bride and groom are asking their guests to buy them gold bars, since they already have literally every other thing two people in the world could possibly need. Besides gold bars.

Gold Bars. Gold. Bars. Gold bars at (I understand the price fluctuates, but) $1,421.99. Unless, you know, you want to buy in bulk. Then you can get them for a steal at $1,411.99.

I think now is as good a time as any to talk about weddings you can’t afford to attend. Keep reading »

I Hate Weddings
Here are a bunch of reasons why. Read More »
No Bachelorette Party
Why Andrea chose not to have a "real" bachelorette party. Read More »
Bridesmaid = Expensive
Being a bridesmaid drained this woman's bank account. Read More »

Hitched: Things Only Jerks Will Complain About At Your Wedding

Hitched: Who's Next?
Unless you're waiting to walk down the aisle, no one is "next" to get married. Read More »

If you’re planning a summer wedding, you may now be where I once was, just a few weeks before my nuptials: at the bar.

I was tired of making decisions. I was tired of caring about details. I was tired of answering questions. I was tired of worrying. Planning a big-ass event is hard. Planning one that’s supposed to be the Greatest Day Of Your Life Ever Or Else Your Existence As A Whole Is A Poorly Executed Sham And Everybody Knows It is especially hard, and you don’t have to have purchased stock in Wedding Industrial Complex, Inc. to be worried about it.

So I’m going to tell you a true thing that good people told me. Something I knew intellectually to be true, but something I found emotionally hard to wrap my mind around:

There are two kinds of people who seriously care about your wedding. One of those kinds of people is you and, ideally, the person you’re about to commit your forever life to. The other kind of person is an asshole. Keep reading »

Here Comes The Bride … I Think

Mama June painted her old barn, wiggled her vajiggle jaggle into a beautimous, camouflage gown and tucked her forklift foot into some bedazzled sneakers for a ceremony of some sort this weekend. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she and Sugar Bear got hitched. But they don’t normally have bouncy houses and serve sketti at weddings, do they? You can check it out the highlights of the big event for yourself and see what you think. I believe a mazel tov is in order.

Mama June's Tip
Mama June's secret to being beautimous. Read More »

Hitched: Who’s Next?

How about this: unless you’re speaking to a person who is literally about to walk down an aisle to an altar at which they will proceed to exchange vows of lifelong love to another human being, don’t tell them they’re “next” to get married.

That’s what a friend of mine’s sister told her recently, and … well, I’ll just tell you what my friend — a single lady — expressed in response: “RUH RUH!?!?!” Because seriously. Nobody’s “next.” There’s not a wedding pecking order. Nobody is the first person to get married, and matrimony isn’t a race wherein some people come in second, third or fourth place. Keep reading »

Hitched: Please Don’t Have A Million People In Your Wedding Party

Please don’t have a million people in your wedding party.

There, I said it. I know you are the most popular and lovable person who ever lived, and you don’t want to exclude anyone, not even your sixth cousin because your fifth cousin is totally going to throw a fit, but I think you will make yourself crazy if you have a million people in your wedding party.

Hear me out.

Actually, no, hear this person out, the letter writer to Miss Manners who lamented, “I have 10 bridesmaids but only five groomsmen! What do I do?”

What you do is cut some bridesmaids. (Gently, with a plastic butter knife.) Or better yet: don’t field a wedding baseball team in the first place. Wedding planning, even for small events, can be days after days, weeks after weeks, months after months, of asking yourself “What do I do?!”

The more people you wrangle on your wedding day, the more times you’ll have to ask yourself, “What do I do?!” Not because your friends and family are terrible. But because there’s a 99.99999 percent chance they’re human beings. Keep reading »

Hitched: The Future Bride Onesie Is Coming For Your Children

Yesterday in Austin, Texas, a city I’m very proud to call home, 250 people gathered on the south steps of the state capitol for a nice round of bigoted back-patting, peppered with lines like this, from state senator Donna Campbell: “They want to redefine marriage between a natural man and natural woman the same way they want to redefine the Constitution.”

This, of course, while the Supreme Court was hearing arguments on same-sex marriage.

“Our core values are being attacked on a daily basis,” Campbell told the crowd.

I like that line, about “core values” that are “being attacked,” because if there’s one thing that gives me a little pleasure when thinking about people like Donna Campbell, and others who would deny civil rights to all Americans because something something Jesus, it’s the thought that maybe they stay up at night seriously worried that the gays, or whoever Donna Campbell thinks “they” might be, are coming for her values and children, cowering beneath their quilted comforters.

Maybe that thought is funny to me because things like the “Future Bride” baby onesie exist in the world. If anyone is coming for your children, it is hyper-normative heterosexuals who can’t even wait for a little girl to get out of goddamned diapers before casting her as a sexual being. Keep reading »

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