I’ve recently started dating a super smart, weird, quirky, cute, funny and beautiful girl. I never like anyone, but I like her. There’s one minor (hairy) issue. She doesn’t keep things very trimmed down there. Now, before you get angry, let me preface this by saying that I really don’t need a Brazilian on my girl (or even anything really from the South American continent, for that matter)—just a nice landing strip. Is that too much to ask for? Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, so I do keep my things regularly trimmed. We’ve only been dating for a month or so, but we’ve spent a lot of time together (it’s a long distance thing, so we’ve basically spent the past few weekends totally together = relationship time warp), so I feel as if this isn’t jumping the gun or anything to think about long term personal grooming habits. am I being a superficial douche? Isn’t it fair to ask for some quid pro quo trimming? I think yes. If you agree, my ultimate question is: how do I broach the trimming subject with my long distance girl? What strategies do you have? — Hair Hater

Treating yourself to something girly is always fun, so this weekend, I booked myself my first appointment at Bliss Spa. But my guy looked at me like I sprouted a third eye amongst my unibrow fuzz when I shared the price of my eyebrow wax: $30, plus tip. “Thirty dollars!” He exclaimed. “But, whatever. It’s your money.”

A few weeks ago I turned to my guy and asked, “When you have to pee, can you feel it in your penis?” He raised his eyebrows at me and said, “No, Jess, I feel it in my bladder, like every other human being.” Well, excuse me for not knowing much about male anatomy. Am I right, ladies? Guy’s bodies are a little confusing sometimes—and we can sure as hell think of some things men don’t know about women’s bodies:

When did guys start waxing their chests? All I have to say about that is: It’s got to stop. If we wanted you to look like us, we’d date us. We want guys to look like guys, no matter how hirsute that makes you. That’s why we love you. Because you are what we are not. True story: I think the first time I saw some guy’s chest hair waxed into a distinct shape was about seven years ago. I was on the set of an adult movie. The guy was Ron Jeremy. And his chest hair had been waxed into the shape of ... a heart. It was both totally horrifying and vaguely endearing.

For all of us with sensitive skin, there’s nothing scarier than shaving armpits and bikini lines. Nothing makes us more self-conscious than red bumps and ingrown hairs all over. But this post-shave soother is excellent at keeping irritations at bay. It soothes skin while it exfoliates and releases ingrown hairs from underneath the skin’s surface. It comes in an awesome little bottle and smells delightful. No yucky odors, no burning sensations—just smoothing, cooling goodness. Finally, you’ll be able to sport that itty-bitty, teeny-weeny bikini without examining your crotch all day. [$25, Sephora]

Don’t get me wrong. I like a hirsute fellow as much as the next girl, but it could be that this advertisement waxed into some dude’s back hair goes a little too far. Far enough to give me a hairball. Copyranter calls it “diametrically un-hot,” and he’s got a point there. Body hair removal company Parissa thought it would be clever to have this poor, furry soul wander up and down a beach looking like this, handing out free samples of Parissa product. People liked it, says one report, and some chicks even asked to have their photo taken with the Hairy Backed One. But does it make me want to buy Parissa? Eh, not really. A fur coat, maybe. [Copyranter]

Back in March, the State of New Jersey actually tried to ban Brazilian waxes after two women got infections from unsanitary salons. In neighboring New York City, one woman was even hospitalized for 15 days after she got a bad infection from going bald at a dirty spa. The poor gal almost lost her leg from cellulitis. But in the face of those cases, an industry that thrives on hairy situations wasn’t just going to hide in the bush! As we ladies know, all salons aren’t created equal, some are just nasty. That’s no reason to penalize the clean peeps who are fighting the good fight against body hair, especially during bikini season. So, luckily for those visiting the Jersey shore beaches this summer, the ban did not stand! Or as spa proprietress, Linda Orsuto, said: “The government has been picking our pockets for so long, it was like: ‘Just stay out of our pants, will you?’” Ha! Well, it’s good to have a sense of humor about the man trying to keep you down, but when it comes to our downtown, you gotta be smart. Here’s what you need to know if you’re going to get a bikini wax.

It’s beach season again. We’ve already helped you with the lazy girl’s guide to getting a bikini body, but no matter what shape you’re in, no bathing suit will look good if you’ve got a forest growing on your nether regions. A popular solution: the bikini wax, more specifically the Brazilian. Being a mix of Cuban and Italian, I know the importance of the not-so-enjoyable hair removal treatment, but was shocked to learn taking it all off could turn my beach trip into a trip to the hospital. Women who wax down under are susceptible to cellulitis, a potentially life-threatening bacterial infection.

Nose hair trimmers aren’t doing it for you? You poor beast! Thankfully, a good nose waxing can pare back your probiscus and keep your sense of smell intact. The Daily Mail sent a daring fashion writer to sniff out the story. While she lay back, a “beauty therapist” scooped some “goo” out of “what looks like a vat of hot bubble gum” and proceeded to stuff it up the writer’s nostril and let it sit for 30 seconds. And then ... riiiiiip.

Does it hurt? You betcha. Nostril waxing “smarts for a second or two”—but the real trauma appeared to come from seeing all those recently-liberated nose hairs on the just-pulled wax. “Porcupine” is the word she used. The author admits nose hairs serve a biological purpose. Even if they’re long and ugly, nostril fuzz keeps dust, dirt, and other critters out so you can breathe easy. But a nose waxing doesn’t go so deep as to remove enough hairs that it could put your throat or lungs at risk.

Wouldn’t a pair of nose hair clippers suffice? [Daily Mail U.K.]

Damn, it looks like ALL the guys are getting waxed these days.  But while John Mayer prefers to wax his short and curlies, Ashton’s got to rip up the shag carpet so his chest is as smooth as that of his stunt double on the set of his new movie.  He vows to inspect his stunt people’s body hair more closely from now on…

If you live in Jersey and want to get a Brazilian wax in preparation for bikini weather (or a big date), you might soon have to travel to another state to get your hair down there removed. If a proposal is passed by the New Jersey Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling, genital waxing would become explicitly illegal there. Currently, statutes allow for waxing of the face, neck, arms, legs, and abdomen, and officials say that genital waxing has therefore always been illegal but wasn’t spelled out. If full bikini waxes get banned, we suspect the mob will set up a black market for women who insist on going bare. Too bad Tony Soprano isn’t around anymore, because he would take care of the situation—we can’t imagine him standing for Carmela or Gloria going around ungroomed. [Philly.com]

You know how it goes: at first you’re mortified to fart around your man and nine months later you guys are chatting it up while you’re on the toilet and he’s in the shower.

But there’s one area of our lives that most women WON’T share with even their hubbies — and that’s our embarrassing beauty rituals that occur behind a locked bathroom door.  Are we afraid our boo wouldn’t think we’re sexy if he knew Mother Nature intended us to have a tiny little Steve Buscemi ‘stache?  Or is it not the object-of-the-beauty-ritual we are ashamed of, but rather, the act of intimate-parts primping in front of a lover?

I must say that, ever since I took Women’s Studies in college, I’ve been a natural sort of woman. I assumed that men who wanted their partners to wax their pubic area were closet pedophiles. Pubic hair, I reasoned, was what made a woman a woman. Why get rid of it?

Americans aren’t the only ones happy to see former President George W. Bush move out of Washington. Veet, the stinky hair-removal product, has joined waxing salons in using the “Goodbye Bush” concept to their benefit. Lawn landscaping companies really should get in on the action before it’s too late. [AdFreak.com]

If you ask a man what he looks for when he meets a vagina, besides a great sense of humor of course, he will probably suggest many of the same delusional qualities he wants in his total fantasy female package. Easy on the eye, morning, noon, and night; perfumed to perfection; tantalizing to the taste buds; demure blushing rose bud one day; insatiable quivering tigress purring, “Sic ‘em Rex” the next.

This weekend, when I was in Atlantic City, one of my fellow ragers asked me if she could borrow my tweezers so she could pluck a nipple hair. A nipple hair? She had nipple hair? “Yeah, don’t you?” I honestly didn’t know. She also said she waxed above her lip. Crap, I’ve never waxed my lip. Have I been walking around with a ‘stache for years and no one has ever told me and that’s why I can’t get a rebound to save my life right now?!

On last nights episode of “The Hills” the female ‘stache came back to haunt me—Lauren Conrad had a very obvious dusting of facial fuzz about her lip. If Lauren Conrad has a mustache I must have it too. This morning, the grooming obsession continued when I discovered a horrendous ingrown hair bump, um, you know where. Eww. Maybe I should start listening to the lady mags and actually wax from now on. Especially since I am about to jump back into the dating pool—with that in mind, I decided to ask the dudes on my IM about what they look for, grooming-wise, in a bed mate. I didn’t tell them about my ingrown hair though. I’m hoping it’s gone by the time I sleep with any of them.

I’ve always been a late bloomer, so it wasn’t until my late ‘20s that it occurred to me to groom my somewhat pronounced Black Irish eyebrows. And it was only natural that my carpet was mostly natural; I did minimal trimming to reign in my coordinating pronounced downtown region. I believe SNL’s Amy Poehler on “Weekend Update” compared this old school size of pubic-hair real estate to a slice of New York City pizza, which would not be altogether off the mark in describing my zone’s unaltered state. My reasons were numerous, though I’d never had to give them.

Harrison Ford got his chest waxed on Access Hollywood in order to shock people into paying attention to deforestation. This is especially interesting considering how shy and reclusive the Indiana Jones star is known for being. Apparently the painful removing of his chest hair is supposed to draw a parallel to the devastating impact deforestation has on the planet. Listen, Solo, you are preaching to the choir. We appreciate the sincere message, but women have been waxing for years. Besides, we’ve all seen The 40-Year Old Virgin by now. Lookin’ good though! [Access Hollywood via Ecorazzi]