This woman clearly has far, far too much time on her hands. Maybe she wants to come dust my apartment to feel like a productive member of society? Anyway, all I can say about this video is ... and you guys got on my case about ogling 17-year-old Taylor? [BuzzFeed]

Confession: my secret dream has always been to be a dancer. Harsh reality: I am a hot, awkward mess on the dance floor. Back in the day, I used to be the wallflower at the party watching other people get down … until one fateful night when, with the help of a little liquid courage, I got the nerve to cut loose and try some moves I had seen online. And I discovered a new way to tear it up—to rock the worst dance moves possible. Yes, I became the best-worst dancer at every party and received all the negative-positive attention so rightly owed to me. Who do I have to thank for the revelation? Soulja Boy, who taught me how to crank the “Superman.” Bonus points if you know what it means to “Superman that ho.” Thank you for your fine lyrics and hot moves, Soulja! But a dancer has to keep her moves fresh. That’s why I’m always cruisin’ the web for the newest dance craze that will help me keep my skillz sharp and ready for any dance-off in da club. After the jump, my fave internet dance crazes.

The writing was on the wall. Twenty-year-old model Daul Kim, who authorities believe committed suicide yesterday, gave indications that she felt pressured by the fashion industry on her blog, I Like to Fork Myself, and in interviews. “I’m usually very miserable, so I reward myself with a fur coat every year,” Kim told RUSSH magazine in October. On Oct. 30, she wrote on her blog that she “was mad depressed and overworked.” Another entry reads: “the more i gain the more lonely it is ... i know i’m like a ghost.” And her last entry, dated Nov. 18, was titled “say hi to forever” and she embedded British singer Jim Rivers’ “I Go Deep” video. Her boyfriend, who wished not to be named in the press, found Daul hanged in her Paris apartment the day after that.

Being a police officer is hard, especially when you have to write speeding tickets. Sometimes the drivers won’t pull over; other times people just get really pissed, and occasionally ... a cat climbs on your head while you are responding to the call of duty. Even the FOX newscasters had trouble keeping straight faces when they aired this video of a cat who obvs thought this police officer was a tree. The dude kicked the little kitty away repeatedly, but it came right back, eventually making it up to the cop’s head. The ‘po should have just put the little critter in handcuffs. Duh.

• Lady Gaga, four years ago performing at NYU under her birth name and in her bare feet, stuns the judges with talent. They loved how she can “blow, sing, and tickle the keys.” [NYU Local]—Love it.
• A New York bride sued her wedding photographer for posting semi-nude pictures of her on his professional website after she explicitly told him not to photograph her while she denuded. [Gothamist]—Strange. And I’m happy my photographer was awesome.
• The maid café trend in Japan is here to stay and competition is really fierce for the 217 eateries, where things keep getting crazier and crazier. [CNNGo]

How does New Jersey guy Jesse Wellens keep his love alive with his lady? He torments her with some good ol’ fashioned pranks. And how does she show her appreciation for said pranks? She gets him back … good … with some special brownies. When I stumbled across their videos, I seriously peed my pants. I’m always a sucker for a well-executed prank. In a sick way it’s kind of romantic—freaking out the person you love for a laugh. Laughter seems to be their secret ingredient for a happy life together. And maybe a dash of Ex-Lax here and there. The prank above proves that confetti + baby powder + car = a really angry girlfriend. See more of their hilarious pranks after the jump. [Asylum]

Oh, no she di’-n’t! After being crowned Miss Gay Brazil 2009, Ava Simões got her wig snatched clean off her head by a fellow PO’d contestant! And her tiara, too! Talk about a sore drag queen loser. If that had happened to me, I know I would’ve cut a fellow contestant. You do not grab my wig and run. Or, you know, I would have at least beat her with my stiletto. Dios mio! Drama ensues. [BuzzFeed]

• University of New Mexico soccer player Elizabeth Lambert has broken her silence about her overly aggressive form of soccer against Brigham Young University in the Mountain West Conference. “I still deeply regret it and will always regret it and will carry it through the rest of my life not to retaliate,” she said. [NY Daily News]—Yeah, well, if she were so sorry she wouldn’t have done it in the first place. This reminds me of when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield’s ear.
• The Shanghai Barbie store has six floors of fun to keep an adult Barbie lover busy for 12 hours. [CNNGo]—I can’t get to Shanghai, but I will be hitting up F.A.O. Schwartz’s Barbie store in NYC soon.
• Lily Allen managed to stop herself from falling flat on her face while performing in 5-inch platforms at the Apollo in Manchester last night. [The Daily Mail]—Girl, we’ve all been there. I’m glad to hear you recovered, though.

This girl wins the prize for Best Reaction of All Time. At first, you’re bummed that this girl on “The Today Show” could care less that she won a spot as a kid reporter, as she adopts a blank stare that goes on forevs. But then the tension starts to build ... and she starts breathing harder. Then all of a sudden it’s so much more than you expected, and omigod, the screeching. I dare you to not smile. You simply can’t do it. I want to put her in a room and tell her she’s won stuff all day and then bottle that air and sell it to sad people. [BuzzFeed]

Remember that crazy soccer match catfight we posted about not too long ago? In it, New Mexico State University University of New Mexico centerback Elizabeth Lambert delivered a myriad of assault maneuvers upon members of the opposing team. Well, now Lambert is looking for a date, something I’m sure she’s having a bit of trouble getting, what with the suspension for her unsportsmanlike conduct and all. Here, she exhibits how not to get a date. [BuzzFeed]

Nothin’ says step off quite like a snap. Shoot, after seeing this vid, I’ve been working on my “Master Diva Snap” all weekend. Something tells me this week I’m going to need it! And girl, you don’t need to be Aretha or Mariah, or even one of these bad boys. So, let’s start beating back Monday and get to snappin’.

There are a lot of things to do in Paris, but this Parisian tourism video doesn’t show us, well, anything. It starts off like a cell phone commercial, with a cheesy couple walking around with their cell phones in each other’s faces. Then it turns in to one, long make-out session. The annoying couple sucks face in restaurants, on tours, everywhere! Yeah, they are THAT couple. By the end, the video has fallen apart and looks like the beginning of a porno from the ‘80s. Luckily, the director spares us the dirty deets.

Oh to be young, bored, and slippery. Two teenage girls demonstrated some literal risky business in what was to be an homage to Tom Cruise‘s iconic scene. Dear teenage girls, always use protection. This includes helmets if necessary. And thanks for making quasi-family-friendly YouTube videos instead of homemade porn, or sexting, or whatever it is teenage girls are into these days. [BuzzFeed]

Your underpants aren’t just preventing you from gettin’ booty, they’re destroying the environment. Well, that is unless you’re wearing easy-off, eco-friendly GreenKnickers. The line of string bikinis and boxers are so hot, you might just globally warm a hole through them yourself! Luckily, the “fair trade undies for nice people” are made from organic cotton, silk and hemp. And, judging by their ad, the ladies that make them really love to love nature. Unlike this giving tree ad, going green clearly shouldn’t be a niche market. [Trend Hunter]

I can almost hear the spoof bandwagon, carrying the likes of Lindsay Lohan, Kate Gosselin and Hailey Glassman, pulling away while Jon Gosselin runs behind—wearing Ed Hardy, natch—yelling, “Hey! Wait for me, guys!” It seems he caught up because this video shows Jon having an epiphany and realizing he needs to change his ways. Then, to the tune of Cher’s “Turn Back Time,” he chucks out his hairspray, puts his tacky clothes in a box, dons a collared shirt and fires his hot bikini-wearing DJ. It’s a good start, but he still has a long way to go. I’d say the next step would be disappearing. Forever.

Sure, you’ve heard of doing a “number one” or a “number two,” but did you know that babies also occasionally do a “number three”? According to this Australian ad for BabyLove diapers, “poop explosions” require a special kind of swaddling. Eww. I am going to email this to my newly pregnant friend now. [Ad Freak]

Miley Cyrus did another stupid teenager thing—she altered the lyrics in her song “7 Things” on the fly at her recent Louisville concert. She changed “you’re vain/you’re games” to “you’re vain/you’re gay.” She’s probably not a gay-bashing, homosexual agenda-fearing lady (she’s actually come out in support of gay marriage), like one Miss America Pageant runner-up we know, but it wasn’t a stellar moment either. She better watch out, or she’ll influence an entire generation of girls to use gay in the pejorative sense.

A-list Hollywood actors do cheesy ads abroad for mega-bucks, hoping no one in America will see them. Too late, George! In this spot for Nespresso espresso, Clooney, who plays an espresso drinker, hangs out with John Malkovich, who plays God, natch. The surreal spot was directed by Robert Rodriguez, who directed “Spy Kids” and “Sin City.” It’s kind of weird to see Michael Clayton hawking espresso, but I’ll take my George however I can get him. [ANIMAL]

From the Filipino prisoners who brought you the Michael Jackson “Thriller” tribute dance comes a Queen medley. This one has some actual killer Queens—fabulous transsexuals—in tutus doing “I Want To Break Free” and Freddie Mercury (R.I.P) some serious justice. Sure, being incarcerated and forced to wear the most hideous shade of orange might be a drag, but these cons know how to shake it like the pros. FYI: The jazz hands start at the 50-second mark. [WOW Report]

I was laying about, minding my own business this weekend, when this commercial for Reebok EasyTone sneakers appeared on my TV screen. In it, a woman’s breasts A) speak, and B) discuss her butt. I mean, WTF? I had no idea A) boobs could talk, and B) boobs felt competitive towards other body parts. “Stupid butt!” the woman’s breasts agree. (Each breast has its own persona, apparently.) “Make your boobs jealous,” a man intones. Um, OK! I guess the idea here is that the shoes help you tone your bottom, which makes your breasts jealous. No word yet on what your butt has to say regarding this matter.