When I was in middle school, my school sold these things called Candy Grams the week leading up to Valentine’s Day. For a dollar, a lollipop and a note would be delivered to the person of your choosing on February 14th. I was in luuurrrvvvve with this boy Jesse. He looked like a young Leonardo DiCaprio and his family owned an amusement park and because we did alphabetical seating, he sat behind me in every class. We kind of became friends, meaning he copied all my homework and cheated off of me on tests. Friendship! The only thing I wanted in the whole world was a Candy Gram from Jesse. A thank you for helping him pass 7th grade perhaps? An admission of his love for me? I stayed up every night that week imagining what my Candy Gram from him would say. February 14th came and went. No Candy Gram from Jesse. I got in the car at the end of the day and started to cry. My Grandpa picked me up from school every day. I was sulky and hormonal in that special 13-year-old kind of way and he would try to get me to laugh by pretending like I was on trial and he was presenting my case. I don’t know why exactly, but he was really into this game.
“Ladies and gentleman of the jury…” he would start. I would stare out the window with my arms crossed or roll my eyes. So, on Valentine’s Day, I got in the car and he started. “Ladies and gentleman of the jury, today we are here to determine why this beautiful young lady is crying…” Keep reading »
Every Valentine’s Day involves a new barrage of “sexy” lingerie offerings, from lacy teddies to complicated themed costumes. But what do guys really think of these skimpy bedroom outfits? To find out, we asked a bunch of our guy friends to weigh in on six very different V-Day lingerie options and assign each one a sexiness rating from 1-10 (1 being not sexy, 10 being super sexy). Last year’s Man Panel revealed that a large portion of the male population is harboring a serious “Fifth Element” fetish. What will this year’s answers reveal? Read on for a hilarious peek inside the minds of men!
With Valentine’s Day coming up, the pressure’s on to set the perfect mood for love–and lovemaking. Obviously that includes a super sensual playlist. We figured you’ve already got your signature sex mix figured out (and if not, there are tons of options online), so we thought we’d whip up a different kind of V-Day music mix: The Worst Sex Playlist Ever, a 2-hour collection of auditory boner-killers. Like, seriously, we dare you to have sex to this playlist. Check it out after the jump, and good luck! Keep reading »
There are so many reasons you should make these strawberry shortcake rice krispie treats this weekend. Maybe you’ve always wanted to see what heaven tastes like. Maybe you’re looking for a festive red dessert to pre-game for Valentine’s Day. Maybe Nemo has you trapped inside and you were wondering what to do with the Rice Krispies, angel food cake, marshmallows, and fresh strawberries you happen to have on hand. Just find a reason to make these, OK? You’ll thank me later. [Sweet Treats & More]
Even the laziest cooks in the world might be moved to break out the pots n’ pans for Valentine’s Day and whip up a romantical amuse bouche or a decadent desert thingy courtesy of Pinterest. Not me! Too much work. Why bother when you can turn on your special someone without ever turning on the oven? That’s right, kids. Harness the power of aphrodisiacs and cook smarter, not harder. Behold my super simple, never-before-seen sexy V-Day recipes. Bon appetite, lazy lovers!
We have mixed feelings about Valentine’s Day ourselves. We are probably going to force the cat to snuggle with us and watch all the “Chelsea Lately” episodes in the TiVo queue over Mexican takeout. But some women, somewhere, haven’t given up yet. Some women, somewhere, are dry cleaning their red dress, getting their nails done, and picking out the perfect box of chocolates for this special day.
Those women are not these Etsy models.
Ah, here we go. A video that will satisfy the brokenhearted this V-Day. Literally, it’s a video of the top ten ways to break a heart with super special slow mo effects. If you revenge is what you’re seeking this Valentine’s Day, live vicariously through this video and suppress any urges you might have to bust out your chainsaw or an axe or bow and arrow or baseball bat. Really, he or she is not worth it. Just keep watching this video until you feel better. [Laughing Squid]
Oh, Valentine’s Day. It’s like, as a woman, you’re required to have some sort of feeling about it. Wait, a feeling? But we have so many! Here are a but a few… Keep reading »
Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. We gather you knew this based on the high volume of Zales commercials. So, here’s the deal. The internet is gonna try to convince you that you will have the most mind-blowing sex of your life of February 14th. It will sell you the dream. It will encourage you to purchase special sex paraphernalia just for the occasion. You don’t need it! Let’s be realistic here. You’ll probably be too tired to fuck after that 16 course meal or passed out by 10 p.m., crashing from a chocolate high. Be forewarned. Here are some sexy products you shouldn’t waste your money on this V-Day.
No boyfriend? No problem. All you really need to celebrate this tres romantic Hallmark holiday is a feline friend or two. Just ask this gentleman, who spends much of his free time serenading his cat with Seal’s classic love song “Kiss From A Rose.” No shame in that, guy! If all else fails, and your cat just isn’t satisfying your emotional needs, why not browse the Purrsonals to see if you can find a mate for life? Just make sure your cat approves first. There is such a thing as emotional cheating. And listen, things could be worse; you could be Henri. Here are five things I’ll be doing with my cats this Valentine’s Day — I urge you to follow my lead and take your meow machines out to a beautiful candlelit dinner. They sure deserve it for putting up with your shit. Keep reading »