Not only is February the most barren time of year for decent movies, but it’s when the studios pull out their big guns and aim for our hearts like Cupid with a bazooka and dollar signs in his little cherub eyes. There’s always room for guilty popcorn and Twizzler pleasures, but if you’re craving something a little more complex — Truffles with sea salt! Dutch liquors that taste of delicate cakes and roses! A Bea Arthur from Big Gay Ice Cream! — I’ve got some treats for you.
Alright, gents, the holiday of all holidays is upon us. That’s right, the heart shaped mongoose has stretched its legs, and like the lazy lion relying on the hunt, we need to chase after it. But there’s nothing worse than running after the rodent only to find out that’s it’s a goddamned rat. While Valentine’s Day itself may be a little slice of heaven, the days that follow threaten a year’s worth of love. When our girlfriends talk amongst themselves and it’s revealed that your Duane Reade chocolates were trumped by Jerry’s box of Godiva truffles. Or your dinner and a movie was nothing compared to Sam’s tickets to Carnegie Hall’s “Concert For Lovers.” Out goes any of the goodwill you get for making any effort at all. What I’m suggesting is ground rules, boys. Yes, ground rules. So we all can get on the same page, and no one comes out smelling like a long-stem rose. Here are my proposed V-Day gift-giving guidelines to level the playing field … Keep reading »
We have a clear winner here for worst Valentine’s Day gift idea known to man. And I thought “I love you from top to bottom” toilet paper was bad. Dude, no need to burden yourself with my funeral arrangements. Just in case you were seduced by this convincing ad, “Surprise honey, I got you a coffin!” is not gonna go over well with your woman. [Sci-fi Win]
Sure, it’s the holiday of “love,” but Valentine’s Day-themed sex toys are just too much. We’re not trying to discourage anyone from getting it on this V-Day, but I think even Cupid wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a Valentine’s Day c**k sock. God bless the Tuggie in all of its many incarnations (I’m looking forward to the Easter Tuggie … I hope it’s a bunny), but it is completely unnecessary for a night of steamy lovemaking. Click through to see some more totally unnecessary V-Day sex toys. Regular ones do the trick just fine. [Sensually Yours] Keep reading »
Sorry to be the wet blanket, everyone. But Valentine’s Day cards that joke about stalkers? Not really funny. There’s a bunch of stalker cards like this one for sale on Zazzle.com, including a particularly disturbing one that says “Be Mine” spelled out in blood above a heart made out of a razor blade. I have a pretty irreverent sense of humor, but I don’t see any humor in joking about violence. Stalking is creepy and scary to people who actually live through it. There’s better ways to be funny if you want to fly your freak flag this Valentine’s Day. [Zazzle.com]
It’s often thought that Valentine’s Day is the worst holiday for single people. But not if you have a crappy boyfriend! Then Valentine’s Day can suck major balls. Like, take the time I was dating Jason*. We’d been together for several months, and prepared for our first V-Day together. I am not a particularly materialistic kind of lady and often paid the bill on our dates, but I like a little romance. Even though I am hyper feminist, I do feel like Valentine’s Day is the one time of year when you are supposed to shower a little extra love on your lady. Though Jason was typically rather analytical (bordering on anal) and tight-fisted, I figured the holiday would be my one night of being wined and dined. We went to a nice Greek restaurant, and he ordered the most expensive dish on the menu — a fish dish coming in at more than $20. I ordered a less expensive pasta dish. But when the bill came, my anal retentive boyfriend split the bill — down to the tax. I was majorly annoyed. He didn’t want to treat me, but he was willing to spend big bucks on himself, and that’s when I knew I’d never really be a priority with this dude.
So that’s my worst Valentine’s Day. Share yours in the comments!
*names have been changed to protect the utterly craptastic