us weekly

Yoko Ono’s “25 Things” List For US Weekly Is Fucking Perfect

Cease publication of this feature immediately; we will never have one that is better than this. More »


Erykah Badu’s Answers For Us Weekly’s “25 Things” Feature Are The Realest Shit

May we all one day transcend the fuckery that surrounds us and get on her level. More »


Ben Affleck Is Dating His Kids’ Nanny

HEAVY SIGH. More »


It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane … It’s Jessica’s Simpson’s Baby

I was at the nail salon flipping thought the latest issue of Us Weekly, featuring Jessica Simpson’s adorable little towheads, when I stumbled across this photo of baby Maxwell with the caption, “Maxwell is starting to talk a little!”  She’s doing more than starting to talk. She’s starting to show off her magical, flying powers. More »


Amanda Bynes Tells Us Weekly That She’s Striving To Be 100lbs

I don’t think it’s a secret that former teen star Amanda Bynes, 26, is having some issues lately. Starting in the summer of 2012, Bynes — who starred in the movies “What A Girl Wants” and “Hairspray,” and the TV show “What I Like About You” — had a string of vehicular incidents including a… More »


These Us Weekly “Mini-Me” Photos Make Me Squirmy

Hey, I’m not telling Us Weekly how to live its life, but holy crap do these mini-me children-dressed-as-Grammy winners creep me out. First off, I am super not cool with the idea of little kids dressing up as people whose reputations are built on their sexiness. Second, they gave one little boy fake facial hair… More »


It’s A Slow News Day Over At US Weekly

Actual headline on Us Weekly’s web site: “Taylor Swift & Carrie Underwood ‘Hate Each Other’.”  Oh, hello, catfight narrative that doesn’t affect male celebrities! [US Weekly]
Christina Applegate is leaving “Up All Night” and may be replaced by Lisa Kudrow. Hmm, I wonder if those rumors that her hooking up with Will Arnett… More »


Us Weekly Tries To Distract Us From Kim Kardashian’s Divorce By Dangling Her Diet In Our Face

Divorce? What divorce? Did you know that Kim Kardashian is now a size 2?  Look over here at Kim in a red bikini! Look! Look at her bikini bod and forget about everything that happened in the last six months. Deflect with her diet of eggs, fish, chicken and salad. Intrigue with her dedication to… More »


An Open Letter To The Tabloids About “Teen Mom”

Dear Us Weekly, Life & Style, OK!, People and the rest of the tabloid mags out there:

We love that we can solidly rely on you for coverage of Jen Aniston’s sex life, Brangelina’s oversized brood, or anything to do with Kim Kardashian’s butt. But for the love of God, please stop covering the… More »


Breaking News: Jessica Simpson Is Just Like Us!

Haiti? So last week. The State of the Union? Meh. So last night. Us Weekly’s idea of a breaking news story is Jessica Simpson’s rather untimely flatulence. [Us Weekly via DListed] … More »


Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Farrah’s Dying Wish, Michael’s “Murder,” And Kendra’s Wedding

As you might imagine, the tabloids—like every other popular culture venue out there—are flooded with new Michael Jackson conspiracies this week. It seems that they were so distracted with MJ that they decided to give their favorite usual victims—the Gosselins, Speidi, Jennifer Aniston—the week off. I bet they’re all feeling really good about themselves? We… More »


An Open Letter To Jessica Simpson

Dear Jessica,

The mistake you made wasn’t so much in gaining weight, it was in making such a big to-do of yourself when you were skinny. And those high-waisted jeans weren’t doing you any favors either. But the thing is, plenty of women in Hollywood are your size or bigger and no one’s… More »


Us Weekly Flip-Flops On Celebrity Diets!

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my least favorite issue of Us Weekly — their annual “Diets That Work!” extravaganza. As usual, they lauded the absurd diet and fitness habits of already totally skinny celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow, Beyonce, and Molly Sims. But three weeks have passed and the editors have seemed to come… More »


Us Weekly Helps You Drop Weight Like A Star!

Hey look! It’s my least favorite issue of Us Weekly — “2009 Diets That Work!”! That is, CELEB diets that work — all of the diets, workout plans, and “weight loss tricks” are ones that have worked for big money stars like Jennifer Aniston (such a fatty before, RIGHT?), Britney Spears, and Beyonce. And by… More »


Star Couplings: Pete & Ashlee Wentz Confirm The Worst Kept Secret In Hollywood

Pete and Ashlee Wentz (you asked for it chickie!) have confirmed that they’re expecting their first child together. They decided to wait to confirm the news until Ashlee made it through her first trimester, which means this baby (time to register for baby’s first flatiron!) should pop out around November. [FriendsOrEnemies.com] … More »


Gossip Girl Ads Really Do Imply The F-Word

Last night when we were walking home, we came across a wall of posters advertising the return of Gossip Girl. Guess that … More »


Star Couplings: John Mayer Assumes His Future Wife Reads Us Weekly

John Mayer, you are such a tool. The singer told Best Life magazine, “When I think about my [future] wife, I worry. I worry about what she thinks when she reads about me in Us Weekly. It’s all vapor, nothing, ether. But I worry about it. I worry about what she thinks.” Okay, dude. Maybe… More »