As you might imagine, the tabloids—like every other popular culture venue out there—are flooded with new Michael Jackson conspiracies this week. It seems that they were so distracted with MJ that they decided to give their favorite usual victims—the Gosselins, Speidi, Jennifer Aniston—the week off. I bet they’re all feeling really good about themselves? We scrounge up the new tidbits the tabs spewed this week.

Dear Jessica,

The mistake you made wasn’t so much in gaining weight, it was in making such a big to-do of yourself when you were skinny. And those high-waisted jeans weren’t doing you any favors either. But the thing is, plenty of women in Hollywood are your size or bigger and no one’s giving them a hard time about it. Just look at Salma Hayek, Scarlett Johansson, or Christina Hendricks — they’ve all got curves like you and they’re hot! No one’s drawing them as 500 lb. caricatures, so what gives?

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my least favorite issue of Us Weekly—their annual “Diets That Work!” extravaganza. As usual, they lauded the absurd diet and fitness habits of already totally skinny celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow, Beyonce, and Molly Sims. But three weeks have passed and the editors have seemed to come to a realization—many of the fad celebrity diets which result in the super slim bodies they praised for “28 Bonus Pages!” are actually, GASP, dangerous and unhealthy. The latest issue of Us reports on “the new and risky cleanses stars”—like Paltrow, Beyonce, and Sims—“use to slim down.” Wait, you mean Gwyneth needs to do more than work out 14 hours a week in order to have those enviable stems? Say WHAT?!

Hey look! It’s my least favorite issue of Us Weekly—“2009 Diets That Work!”! That is, CELEB diets that work—all of the diets, workout plans, and “weight loss tricks” are ones that have worked for big money stars like Jennifer Aniston (such a fatty before, RIGHT?), Britney Spears, and Beyonce. And by the way, only women are featured in the “28 page bonus” section (ZOMG, I am tots getting my $3.99 worth). Sure, the vast majority of Us‘s readers are female, and presenting the perfectly perfect bodies of celebs is supposed to be aspirational, but c’mon. Gimme a few male chubsters who lost some weight and how they did it—like Horatio Sanz and Seth Rogan. I want to know how those guys—who were truly overweight—lost the lard.

Last night when we were walking home, we came across a wall of posters advertising the return of Gossip Girl. Guess that