During grad school, I worked part-time in a gift shop for extra money. I’ll never forget the day glamorous, model-esque bookkeeper Lucy came into work wearing dark Chanel sunglasses. I could tell something wasn’t right. “What’s going on?” I asked. Lucy lifted her sunglasses to reveal two black eyes. Thus began my crusade to help Lucy get out of her abusive relationship, which resulted in me picking up her and her suitcases on a dark corner at night, her boyfriend threatening to “beat the crap” out of me, and Lucy heading straight back to him eventually. This was my first but sadly not my last time seeing the destructive domestic violence cycle. It left me feeling angry and helpless, wishing there was something more I could do.

Jeebus. Why does everybody get so freaked out when adults dare to talk about teenagers masturbating, considering horny 13-year-old guys probably jerk off more than anyone in the world? Alas, there’s drama in Sheffield, England, because medical professionals are circulating a pamphlet to teens which suggests that self-pleasure might be more satisfying than, oh, having sex before they’re ready or getting knocked up. The pamphlet is called “Pleasure” and it says:

“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away….Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes’ physical activity three times a week. What about sex or masturbation twice a week?”

London needs little introduction. Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, high tea at four o’ clock: even on the beaten tourist circuit, this city is a charmer. But it’s also a high-energy international center that manages to be old-world classy and cutting-edge trendy all at the same time. English-speaking and cute accents… how can you go wrong? What’s on in Londontown, after the jump…

The following story turned even my black heart into a marshmallow rainbow where unicorns can prance. When we read about the eight-year-old British boy who proposed to his best girl at a laser tag party, we got so many warm fuzzies we nearly melted our plastic covered PC.  After battling leukemia for four years, Reece Flemming was given weeks to live by his doctors.  And the little guy had one big wish—to marry his grade school sweetheart.  Oh damn, here come the tears. (Also, we adults can barely muster a man to take us out for casual drinks, and this kid is willing to commit?!) So, the brave and romantic Reece proposed to his girlfriend, Ellie Purgslove. She said yes (becoming the only child bride we would ever support). The parents set up a make-believe wedding with rings, a certificate and a Vicar officiating. Then the two went to dinner in the Mayor’s limo to celebrate for their first and last time as husband and wife. Sadly, albeit his wishes fulfilled, Reece passed away the very next day. Sorry, I can’t type anymore, I need a tissue. [Telegraph U.K.]

Um, wow. I am kind of speechless. The New York Daily News reports that a new modeling show has come to town, this one called Britain’s Missing Top Model. The U.K. show features models with various disabilities, like missing limbs, partial paralysis, and hearing loss. The show wants to challenge society’s traditional notions of beauty, which sounds great to me, but I also know that none of these women are going to be bigger than a size four, so that’s a standard of beauty no one is really willing to face yet either. Anyway, Marie Claire U.K. editor Marie O’Riordan serves as a judge for Missing Top Model, and says, “I do believe the program could help challenge our attitudes to disability. I want to see the winner shake up the fashion industry. These young women shouldn’t be invisible to the fashion world just because they are disabled.” Can we just ask one question? What is the deal with the title? “Missing” Model? What does that mean? [The NY Daily News]

Here’s a switch: there’s an American teen invasion in Britain. High schoolers in the U.K. who see movies like Napoleon Dynamite and Mean Girls  want proms of their very own. Over the past few years Hummer limos, tuxedo rentals, and candy-colored ball gowns have been selling/renting like hot cakes across the country. Really, of all our American traditions—baseball, putting cheese on everything, driving on the right side of the road—why, oh why, did they pick this one? To the senior class of the U.K., let The Frisky save you $1000 bucks and some emotional scarring—forget the frills, kids. Stay home, buy a six-pack, crank up the radio, and invite your date over. The best things about prom night are free. [Wall Street Journal]

Just a few days ago the U.K. hosted its third World Naked Bike Ride, an event to protest dependency on cars and draw awareness to the plight of riders sharing the road. The parade of barely costumed characters looks like Burning Man on wheels.  With the attendance doubling to 500, there were two times the bicycles, twice the fun and of course, double the booty.

We’ve all been forced to grow up and think that fairy tales, where Prince Charming rides up on a white horse, are a bunch of bull. But hunky Prince William has put the faith back in our beloved bedtime stories!  Earlier this month, the pilot Prince flew a $20 million dollar Royal Air Force helicopter to his girlfriend Kate Middleton’s house to impress her. How romantic!  While any girl would go for a ride in his cockpit, the Prince is already in trouble for swiping a helicopter to take his brother Harry to a stag party on the Isle of Wight. And okay, so this little romp alone cost the military $60,000, but giving every girl the hope that someday their prince will come is priceless! Right? [Daily Mail]

The 670,000 women in the British service industry won’t let you call them sweetheart—or baby, or darling, or sweet cheeks, or even honey. Just like the women in 9 to 5 sans the ball-gagged boss, Women and Equalities Minister Harriet Harman is putting an end to womanizing in overlooked workplaces. Minister Harman has used her new position to create a statute that will require bar, restaurant, hotel, and even gym managers to be responsible for protecting their female employees from sexual harassment. Since service industry jobs are known for their client lip service, the change is expected to cost British companies 10 million pounds to enforce, according to the government office. So while sexist comments might make the employees feel cheap, the repercussions certainly aren’t.

While celebrities are naming their kids after foods and boroughs of New York City, just to make them unique, they should think twice according to a new academic survey. “Traditional names with royal associations are viewed as highly successful and intelligent, and so parents hoping for successful offspring might want to avoid more unusual names,” said Professor Wiseman, who conducted the social experiment in the U.K. According to his findings, names make a strong statement and both men and women succumb to their subtext. It may be judgmental, but so are first impressions. I once wouldn’t go out with a guy because his name was Ralph. I’m just sayin’, if your mama didn’t love you enough to name you right, then what hope is there for us?!  Not that a Simcha can talk, but if you want to see how your first name ranks in luck, looks, and livelihood according to the study, click here.  [Daily Mail U.K.]