Sorry, but I haven’t gotten sick of making fun of “Twilight” yet. With its cheesy dialogue, hoards of screaming “Twihards” and complete and total sell-out status (think: “Twilight” tours, “Team Edward” T-shirts) I have no shortage of material. But I’ve been outdone by Ivy League satire specialists the Harvard Lampoon, who just released Nightlight, a 160-page book about an awkward geek named Edwart Mullen and his klutzy U-Haul-driving lover, Bella Goose. Edwart is a seriously craptastic driver and should the couple’s love continue to grow, Bella faces getting dismembered in a horrendous car accident. It’s a forgone conclusion that they’re going to get together, though, because Edwart likes the grapefruit-y smell of Bella’s blood. Oh yeah, and the front of the book reads, “About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him—which I assumed was wildly out of his control—that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he had kissed me.” Wait, what’s that I hear? Pre-teen girls all over the world are screaming in rage. Heh. [LA Times]

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are being even more confusing than usual this week. The December issue of Harper’s Bazaar hits newsstands soon, featuring the pair on the cover and in a hyper-romantic photo spread. The cover story is essentially all about their relationship—their first meeting (auditioning for “Twilight” and being thrown into a make-out scene together) and who is more romantic (Rob, apparently). Heck, for half of the story, the two even play the “Newlywed Game,” answering questions about who spends more time on their hair, who is more egotistical, and who is more superstitious. But wait, what’s this? In an Entertainment Weekly roundtable interview yesterday, Kristen got crazy worked-up and dropped a few f-bombs when asked about whether they are dating. Yeah, it’s really hard to understand why people want to know when you FAN THE FREAKING FLAMES.

Check out the photos and the best quotes from these interviews after the jump.

“[Robert Pattinson’s character in “Twilight”] is actually a really good parallel to fame. As a vampire, he has a sad, desolate life—fame is the same. [...] I don’t want to be a movie star like Angelina Jolie. Nothing about being a celebrity is desirable. I’m an actor. It’s bizarre to me that everybody’s so obsessive.”

— Kristen Stewart tells BlackBook what she really thinks about fame.

It’s hard to imagine Robert Pattinson as anything but a total stud who makes us cream our panties. But lo and behold, when director Catherine Hardwicke presented her casting choice to Twilight‘s producers, those goons weren’t sure this vampiric hunk was Edward material! (By his own admission, RPatz had been “getting drunk for a year” before.) In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hardwicke dished:

“[The producers] called me up and they literally said, ‘Catherine, do you think you can make this guy look good?’ So I said, ‘Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to get his hair back to a different color, do a different style. He would work with a trainer from now on. My cinematographer is great with lighting. He will study the cheekbones, and I promise you, we’ll make the guy look good.’”

Mission accomplished, indeed. After the jump, a smoldering Pattinson pic from Vanity Fair‘s dee-lish slideshow:

OK, I’ll admit that the Twilight obsession has officially gone too far. [The Robert Pattinson panties didn’t do it?—Editor] Personally, I’m a total sucker (heh) for the whole vampire trend. I read all of the Twilight books, saw the first movie, and recently fell in love with “The Vampire Diaries.” Whatever—the trend will end at some point. In the meantime, I’m enjoying my vampy entertainment. But now a couple, Annette and Tim Root of Forks, WA, decided to cash in on the obsession by launching a restaurant in the town where the books are set. Crossing the line much? It will be named Volterra, after the Italian city where the Volturi vampires live and so far it’s set to open next spring. What’s on the menu, considering vampires only eat blood? Appropriately, steak will be served (the rarer the better I’m sure) along with seafood options. Huh. What’s next, a glimmer charm school? [Eater]

I resisted the “Twilight” craze for a while. Yes, I read the first book when my sister insisted and went to see the first movie, but I didn’t quite get what all the fuss was about. But after downloading the “New Moon” soundtrack and seeing oodles of “New Moon” previews that look, well, awesome, I’m kind of buying into the hype. A few minutes ago, I even found myself searching to see if any new trailers had been released. (Shh, don’t judge.) I was very pleased to find this one, which shows a fight scene between Edward and Jacob, with Jacob morphing into a wolf while Bella shrieks for him to stop. I guess hot guys fighting over you isn’t nearly as fun when they both have super strength. [People]

People magazine will release a “New Moon” special to the ravenous, adoring masses tomorrow. The tween girl set will dutifully purchase it, their mothers will surreptitiously steal it, and every dude will hate it. We’ve told you why chicks dig vampires and men don’t, while Esquire says it’s because the vamps are batting for the other team, but this doesn’t begin to cover it. Men, well, straight men have hated vampires since Bram Stoker—they’re hardwired for it.

Further proof some men don’t know jack about women: Esquire magazine says chicks go bananas for vampire love stories because we lust after ... wait for it ... gay guys. Gay guys don’t want to be with us the way vampires can’t be with us and you know us ladies: we just want what we cannot have.

No, I’m not buying it either.

In a recent interview with the Sydney Morning Herald, Robert Pattinson said that he is totally bewildered by his fame and hopes that “New Moon” will calm down his rabid fans since he’s not the focus of the film. Yeah, fat chance on that. Still, Robert seems to have pretty good perspective on the whole thing. “I just don’t take any of it seriously,” he said. “It’s just a job and while it’s a job I love, girls scream out for Edward [Cullen], not Robert. I still can’t get a date.” Wait just a second. Robert “Sparkles” Pattinson can’t get a date?!?! Not only did he crush the Kristen Stewart rumors, but now fans are going to try to drag him home! [The Insider]

Interestingly, plenty of celebs lament the difficulties of dating while famous. After the jump, a selection of those who say it’s especially hard.

Have you guys heard of this guy Robert Pattinson? Apparently, he stars in some little indie movies called “Harry Potter” and “Twilight”? Well, apparently, lots of people—mainly of the teenage girl variety—are sooooo into him that he’s the subject of a new documentary called “Robsessed,” which is being distributed by Revolver Films and should be out before “New Moon.” The doc looks into his younger years and current life—how he got into acting, how he got cast in these flicks, what kind of socks he wears. Do they really think they’re going to sell more than five copies of this thing? [EW]

Much has been made of the blue prom dress Bella Swan (or Kristen Stewart, depending on how much you blur fantasy and reality) wears in the “Twilight” movie. You may have heard of it. Countless teen magazines and websites have scoured the market looking for similar styles, but nothing quite compares to this rendition spotted at a Port Angeles, Washington bridal shop. Owner Belva Bodey claims she was inspired to cop the design because in the movie Bella shops in their town for a book. Call it a leap of faith, but she believes Bella would have bought her prom dress from the same town. Talk about mixing up your fact and fiction. Yeeps! Incidentally, the green dress pictured is one Bella supposedly wears to her birthday party in “New Moon.” Once again, rabid “Twilight” fans scare us more than actual vampires do!

Despite the fact that Stephenie Meyer‘s books are public service announcements for saving yourself ‘til marriage, some elementary and middle schools in Australia are banning the Twilight series books for being too racy. Man, I don’t know what Twilight books these peeps were reading, but the one I read was 544 pages of agonizing blue balls. Though, in a roundabout way, fretful grownups could be doing these kids a favor, as one school librarian told Australia’s Daily Telegraph about the censorship, “We wanted to make sure [the students] realize it’s fictitious and ensure they don’t have a wrong grasp on reality.” Good point. In reality, Bella would’ve ripped the clothes off a hottie like Edward and boned that vampire ass, stat.

Some people tuned in to the MTV Video Music Awards for the Michael Jackson tribute, to see Janet Jackson belt out “Scream.” Others tuned in for Beyoncé‘s “Single Ladies” dance number or to see Lady Gaga‘s insane wardrobe choices. But let’s face it: a high proportion of last night’s viewership tuned in to see MTV’s exclusive trailer for “New Moon,” which premiered halfway through the show. I’ve never been a “Twilight”-head, but now even I am seriously looking forward to November 20th.

Vampires, virgins, and porn are an obvious trifecta, so it should come as no surprise that a major adult film company, Devil’s Film, is putting out a “Twilight” porn spoof. Mega popular porn star Jenna Haze stars in this hardcore send-up of the emo vampire movie, out Oct. 15 (beating “New Moon”‘s arrival in theaters!). Getting Haze to star in your porn is like getting, oh, Kate Winslet to do your little movie because it gives it instant credibility. As for the plot? No word yet, but something tells me Edward probably shares his blushing Bella with the super horny Cullen clan. [Examiner, Film Drunk]

Here a vampire, there a vampire. “Twilight.” “True Blood.” “The Vampire Diaries.” These days, you can’t leave the house without running into another bloodsucker. Now, Playboy magazine has jumped on the bloodthirsty bandwagon with their new October issue. The cover is a pulp fiction tribute to hot girl-on-girl throat-bleeder action, starring Playmates Kasia Danysz and Weronika Zurkowska. Inside, the magazine explores the finer nuances of 21st century vampire life, including “why the undead are hot again.” You’ve come a long way, Dracula. [io9]

What could make Seth Cohen and every teenage girl in America squeal at equally loud decibel levels? The fact that a one-minute-and-45-second snippet of the first single from the “New Moon” soundtrack, Death Cab For Cutie’s “Meet Me On The Equinox,” is now available online. The movie doesn’t open until November 20, but if you pre-order the soundtrack now, you can be one of the first to download the whole song during the MTV Video Music Awards this weekend. Judging from the snippet, the song has the perfect wistful vampy vibe. We’re sure the rest of the soundtrack will be dope as well since it’s curated by music director Alexandra Patsavas, the lady who made “The O.C.” and “Twilight” soundtracks so addictive. Rumor has it that Thom Yorke and Kings of Leon will also have ditties on the album. [MTV]

My best friend once made the mistake of telling me that she had written “Buffy” fan fiction when she was younger and I mercilessly teased her for years, even though it was that nerdy center that endeared her to me in the first place. Some of you may not be familiar with the steamy underground world of fan fiction where devoted fans think up (often sexy) scenarios for their favorite characters. For fun, we’ve rounded up six fanfic excerpts and taken out the nouns so you can guess which show/book/movie they are based on. Guess all six correctly and win ... dork credibility?

Inevitable, right? Stephenie Meyer, the Twilight scribe, designed three tee shirts and skateboards, based on her first novel, The Host , for Hobo Skate Company. (Who knew she was a sk8er gurl?) Generally, we’re so over celeb/model/everyone-and-their-dog clothing designers doing their own lines, but at least Meyer is using her fame for good, not evil, by teaming up with a company that’ll donate some of the proceeds to charity. Hobo Skate Company will give a portion of their sales of the $25 tees and $50 boards to the Hobo Foundation (Wait, wtf is up with that name!?—Editor] to support homeless families. Honestly, they’re underwhelming—the three designs are “X-Ray,” “The Cave,” and “Body & Soul.” We think she should stick to writing vampire erotica light, but tweeny Twilight obsessives will probably love anything Meyer does. And, hey, at least it’s not a handbag line. [MTV]

There are T-minus six months until “New Moon” hits movie theaters, and “Twilight” heads are seriously chomping at the bit. To bide their time, many are heading to the real town of Forks, Washington, where the books and movie supposedly take place. But since that’ll cost you a plane ticket plus $300 for the official tour, we’re excited about this documentary “Twilight in Forks,” which tells the story of this town which famously is the rainiest spot in the United States. The doc takes you inside the real Forks High School, talks to a clerk at a local store who constantly gets mistaken for Bella, heads to La Push beach, and interviews a Quileutes elder about the tribes’ legends. Overall, it’s a look at how this sleepy town has changed since “Twilight” blew up. The doc comes out on DVD on October 15, but go ahead and put it in your Netflix queue. [MTV]