Let’s be clear about two things: Lifetime’s behind-the-scenes movie about the making of “Saved by the Bell” is going to be a hot mess and I am going to watch the shit out of it. The first clip from the upcoming TV movie — airing September 1 — hit the web today, and for the love of Mr. Belding, I seriously cannot handle the casting. The actors are all so WEE. I mean, I know that Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Tiffani Amber (never forget) Thiessen, Elizabeth Berkley, etc. were all in their teens when they started the show back in the late-’80s, but they looked way more mature than the fools Lifetime has playing them. Seriously, the dude playing Mark-Paul/Zach looks like a 10-year-old with a Maltese on his head. He’s giving me major douchechills, which is totally the opposite of what Mark-Paul did to me all those years ago. Kudos to the music department though — Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison” is a classic. [Death + Taxes]
Huzzah! A week from today, I’ll be sleeping in thanks to the Memorial Day holiday and anticipating the premiere of “Petals On The Wind,” Lifetime’s followup to the hugely successful TV movie adaptation of V.C. Andrews’ “Flowers In The Attic.” Rose McIver replaces Kiernan Shipka as now-grown Cathy, and Wyatt Nash plays her manly brother Christopher, but Heather Graham and Ellen Burstyn return as their wicked mother and grandmother. In this sequel, Cathy and Christopher return to Dollanganger Manor and come to face to face with their sordid past — but will they be able to resist temptation as the memories of their time in the attic come rushing back? You’ll have to watch on Monday, May 26 at 9 p.m. to find out! (Or just reread your dogeared copy of the book on the beach this weekend!)
So, did everyone watch Lifetime’s sure-to-be-a-classic original movie “Liz & Dick,” starring Lindsay Lohan as Dame Elizabeth Taylor and Grant Bowler as Richard Burton, last night? I did. In fact, I watched it twice, it was that horrifically yet entertainingly bad. Where to begin? Lindsay Lohan’s performance was abominable. It was like she didn’t even try to channel Elizabeth Taylor in the slightest, she just showed up to read some lines in between smoke breaks. She could only maintain Elizabeth’s British accent for half sentences at most, and instead of delivering her lines with Taylor’s trademark bravado, Lohan sounded like she was casually shooting the shit with her weed dealer. Now, the hair and makeup were fabulous, but I could never get past the fact that 26-year-old Lohan was supposed to be playing late-20s/early-30s Liz for most of the film, but that she seemed so much older, thanks to her worn-out raspy voice. Really, the film was unofficially sponsored by Marlboro Reds. Lohan was at her most convincing in the last few moments of the movie, playing ’80s era Liz, which I hope prompts Lifetime to do a sequel called “Liz & Larry,” about Taylor’s relationship with Larry Fortensky.
For the record, the plot could be summed up as follows: Liz and Dick fall in love, Liz and Dick fight, Liz throws a vase at the wall and takes some pills, Liz and Dick make up, Liz and Dick fight again, Liz throws a vase at a wall again, Liz and Dick make up, etc. etc. These scenes are broken up with lovely moments where Liz and Dick talk to the audience from beyonnnnnd the graaaaave — i.e. wearing all black, sitting in director’s chairs and smoking cigs — giving us their “perspective” on what drew them to each other. Spoiler alert: you will not understand a thing about either of these two iconic actors by the end of this film.
For those of you who didn’t get a chance to watch the movie, allow me to review — with clips! — the movie’s best/worst moments. Keep reading »
Tonight marks the beginning of a new holiday: “Liz & Dick” Day! Lindsay Lohan is making her debut as cultural icon Elizabeth Taylor in the highly anticipated, critically panned biopic “Liz & Dick.” Oh, it’s going to be so good. Like, “Surf Nazis Must Die” good, like, “Pootie Tang” good, like “Gigli” good – that’s how good it is going to be. If you’re counting down the seconds to watch “Liz & Dick” with a leftover drum stick in hand, as you lament how many calories you’ve consumed in a short few days, then you must read our roundup of 11 things you didn’t know about “Liz & Dick.” Sure, you knew it would be awful, but did you know how much much real, actual work went into making this poop-diamond? Now you do! Read more…
Is there any pleasure guiltier than Lifetime Television for Women? It’s so pleasingly masochistic — I mean, is there anywhere else on TV where women are so often murdering or being murdered? And we couldn’t be happier to hear that Lifetime is making a new movie about the fabulous life and times of Anna Nicole Smith. We’re so psyched, in fact, that we decided to help them out with the casting. I mean, wouldn’t it be amazing to see Jennifer Coolidge as Anna Nicole? Or Juno Temple? Maybe Kate Upton or Pam Anderson? We created a chart with all of our top picks and the likelihood that they might actually play ANS. Check out our handy guide and tell us who you think should play her in the comments.
Republicans are airing sexual ignorances this week. Representative Steve King of Iowa has “never heard of” statutory rape causing pregnancy; Senate nominee Tom Smith thinks ”having a baby out of wedlock” is “similar to” rape; and, of course, there’s Todd Akin. Have these guys never watched “Law & Order: SVU” or browsed movie listings on Lifetime? Rape narratives are a primetime TV staple these days, rivaled in volume only by Real Housewives and Ryan Seacrest’s face.
To speed the sexual education of the GOP, we have paired ten Republicans’ ill-conceived rape comments with cinematic antidotes from the Lifetime TV oeuvre. Movie night at the Tampa Hilton, anyone? Read more…