Tag Archives: trust

When I Wouldn’t Confront My Trust Issues, They Confronted Me

trapezes trust

When I started dating at age 13, I approached relationships completely unaware that I could and would fall—and with faith that, if I did, the net below would catch me. I put all of my trust in the boys I gave my heart to, and was blindsided again and again when, despite my total devotion, they didn’t love me the way I deserved to be loved.

And it wasn’t just men. Fair-weather friends also disillusioned me. I didn’t truly understand that being a devoted friend or girlfriend didn’t guarantee that others would act in kind. Instead of becoming hip to the ways of people who would mistreat me and avoiding them accordingly, I retreated into myself and tried unsuccessfully to block out potential sources of pain. Read more on Your Tango…

Girl Talk: Why Snooping Makes You Crazy

Snooping Vs. Stalking
What's the difference between online snooping and stalking? Read More »
Snooping His Profile
online dating photo
If your man still has a profile up, there's trouble ahead. Read More »
I Swore I'd Never Snoop
...but then I did. Read More »

Gosh it’s just so tempting. He forgets to log out of his email on your computer. He falls asleep in one room and his phone is in the next. He leaves town on business for a few days and you just have to rifle around in his closet. You’re just dying to starting digging through his business, but before you dive in, you might want to think twice. Not only will snooping make you look like a raving lunatic to your unsuspecting boyfriend (he’s so cute when he’s asleep, isn’t he?), you could end up driving yourself crazy and doing irreparable damage to your relationship. Keep reading »

Girl Talk: Why Checking Your Partner’s Email And Phone Is Not Smart

Snooping His Profile
online dating photo
If your man still has a profile up, there's trouble ahead. Read More »
I Swore I'd Never Snoop
...but then I did. Read More »
Snooping Vs. Stalking
What's the difference between online snooping and stalking? Read More »

Recently, Jools Oliver, wife of chef Jamie Oliver, and writer Samantha Brick both proudly declared that they check their husbands’ emails and phones regularly, and credit their successful marriages in part to such snooping. Oliver said that even though she monitors her husband’s email, phone and Twitter account, “He says I’m a jealous girl, but I think I’m fairly laid-back, considering.”

While it may work for them, I would caution against following their lead. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should find out everything you possibly can about someone, even someone you’re sleeping with or married to. I know because I once read my boyfriend’s email (while using his computer with his permission) and found out he’d been sleeping with prostitutes while having unprotected sex with me, and promptly broke up with him. Do I wish I’d remained ignorantly blissful for a little while longer? Not necessarily, but it was a harrowing way to find out. With an ex, I read an email that criticized me in a way that I’ve never forgotten, and in that case, I wish I hadn’t seen it, because it wasn’t intended for me. Keep reading »

Dealbreaker: My Long-Distance Relationship Didn’t Have Trust

Trust After Cheating?
Can you trust again after infidelity? Dear Wendy explains it all. Read More »
On Being Honest
Is it possible to be too honest with your boo? Read More »
Managing An LDR
How to deal with a long-distance relationship. Read More »

Two years into our relationship, Rick* received a verbal offer that would send him 2,500 miles away.

I couldn’t fathom how we could possibly have a successful relationship living such a great distance apart — even though I was the woman who’d urged him to apply for the job. He had asked me months before the job was even a possibility how I would feel about him splitting his time between San Francisco and Brooklyn. I uttered something along the lines, “I’m okay with that — as long as I don’t have to move.” But, once becoming long-distance became a reality, I suddenly felt abandoned. Instead of, “I’m happy for you,” our talks generally ended with me stating, “I don’t see this relationship lasting beyond December.”

I said it more than once.

Keep reading »

Girl Talk: I Swore I’d Never Snoop … But Then I Did

Some time ago, Amelia and I were chatting over IM about snooping. If I remember correctly, it was in the context of a discussion about sharing passwords. Should you share your email password? Your Facebook password? Your debit card PIN number? Is it a big, serious relationship step to do those things or not super-serious at all and just a byproduct of our digitized lifestyle? I was very pro-sharing passwords, because I have nothing to hide. Go read my emails, I don’t care! The only reason I wanted to share passwords with my boyfriend was to make life easier: we share his laptop at home and I needed to be able to log in whenever I needed. My reason for wanting passwords was not at all motivated by wanting to sneak around in my boyfriend’s private business. I sincerely believed he had nothing to hide from me either.

But more importantly, snooping in someone’s email, or listening to their voice mails, or any of those other privacy-violating things, just seemed like a douchey thing to do. It implied a lack of trust. It implied suspicion. It implied an insecurity on my part. I am a huge, huge, HUGE believer in the Golden Rule and I would never snoop in someone’s private business, I thought, because that is not the way that I would want to be treated. “I just couldn’t go into someone’s emails like that,” I surely told Amelia. “You say that now when everything’s fine,” she replied, in words that have stuck in my head ever since. “But if you really thought something was up, you would do anything at your disposal to find out what he wasn’t telling you.” Keep reading »

Dear Wendy: “I Guessed My Girlfriend’s Password And Have Been Reading All Her Email”

I am currently dating a woman that I am madly, madly in love with, and we’re talking about marriage. We’re great together, don’t really ever argue, and talk through our issues, so everything is good there. A few months back, I happened to guess her e-mail password, and I have been checking her e-mail on a daily basis ever since. I don’t know why I do it, I just do. A week or so ago, she got an e-mail from her ex, and they’ve been exchanging e-mails a few times a day since then. She hasn’t brought up the fact that her ex e-mailed her, or that she had responded. The e-mails aren’t really all that exciting, just things like ‘how are you doing?’ and updates on people they both know and general stuff like that. I’m not sure what to do here. Should I confront her about it? Should I just let it go? Am I being too jealous or possessive here? I realize that I’m in the wrong by reading her e-mails, but I don’t feel as though I’m being really “Lifetime movie dangerous boyfriend” at all. I don’t get suspicious when she’s out for the night or anything, and I would never hurt her, even if she was cheating on me (which I don’t think she is). But for some reason, the fact that she’s communicating with this person that she says was no good for her or to her is worrisome to me. — Snoop Dog

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