Tag Archives: the future

Glenn Beck Cosplays As Glenn Beck From A Bleak Future Where No One Listened To Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck ... From The Future!

I don’t even know how I should begin trying to explain this. Glenn Beck apparently thinks he’s Laurence Olivier now or some shit, and has created this bizarre video in which he speaks from the future…to other people in the future, about how everything in the whole world went to shit after the year 2014, because people didn’t listen to Glenn Beck or Cliven Bundy. And now there are only crappy VHS camcorders and no religion and Glenn Beck has to live in some kind of weird cabin or something like a hermit? I don’t know. Also he’s not allowed to say he’s an American. Probably because evil progressives banned the word American because we didn’t want people like Glenn Beck to have anything to be proud of. Keep reading »

Get Your Fortune Told By Miranda July

In honor of her upcoming film, “The Future” (which I predict I will love based on the trailer), Miranda July has created an interactive web oracle wherein she divines your future via a colorful spinning wheel. While she understands that we may be super skeptical of this new form of divination, she encourages us to remember that every form of fortune telling, including Tarot and astrology, even the Magic 8 Ball, had to start somewhere. I am always a sucker for a prediction, so I took a deep breath and clicked the spinning wheel’s button as instructed. It said something about me figuring out if I was oily like a rat. Hmmm. No, I don’t think so. Maybe this means I will wash my hair today? Yes, I believe a good shampooing is in my future. Wow! She’s amazing! I’ve opted to subscribe to her personalized divinations, which will now be sent directly to my inbox every Monday and Thursday. [The Future] Keep reading »

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