Every once in awhile a story so strange, so bizarre or so WTF comes along that it leaves us no choice but break it down into its most essential parts and try to make sense of it all.
We knew Tanning Mom might have a drinking problem when she had a drunken spill and flashed her panties on the red carpet at NYC’s XL Hot Mess Drag Review. We were hoping that once she got tan sober that she would also cut back on the booze. No such luck on either front. Last week, Patty Kretcil hit rock bottom when she was pronounced too drunk to fly at a Minneapolis airport and placed in detox.
Days later, a report confirmed that Tanning Mom checked into rehab at Lukens Institute in Palm Beach, Florida, with Michael Lohan at her side. Uh, wait. What does Michael Lohan have to do with this? Well, aside from his own experience with rehab — both his own and his daughter’s, it turns out that Tanning Mom and Papa Lohan are old friends from Cold Spring Harbor High School in Long Island. I don’t even want to know what their superlatives were. [TMZ]
To quote Amelia when she alerted me that Tanning Mom’s music video for her new single, “It’s Tan Mom,” was available for viewing: “Christmas has come early.” I don’t celebrate Christmas because I’m a Jew. But this video is what I would ask for if I made a Christmas list. I’ve dreamed of it. I’ve envisioned it in my mind. I’ve laid awake at night, too excited to sleep wondering what kind of performance Patty would turn out. Would she dance? Would she wear costumes? Would we get to see her modeling a bikini again? Would co-stars from her gay porn be in it?
As is often the case with the best things in life, this video is better than anything I could have imagined. It has all the elements of great art. Tanning Mom. Check. Wigs. Check. Psychedelic effects. Check. Token gays. Check. Awkward dancing. Check. Feeling up of boobs. Check. Bikinis. Check. Gratuitous use of suntan lotion. Check.
I don’t care what the haters say. I feel really happy inside my soul. [DListed]
It’s only a matter of time now before Tanning Mom makes her dream of becoming a famous actress come true. Her pitch to star in a porn of her own was rejected by Vivid Entertainment. But as fate would have it, another production company has recognized all of Patty K’s untapped potential. Lucas Entertainment, a company that produces a gay porn, has decided to give Tanning Mom her big break. Wait for it. Tanning Mom will have a cameo in the latest installment of series called “Kings of New York.” Oh yes, she will! Keep reading »
Take that, Farrah Abraham getting done up the pooper by James Deen! You have been outdone by Tanning Mom! No, she didn’t make a sex tape. TMZ obtained a snippet of Patricia Krentcil’s soon-to-be-released single, “It’s Tan Mom.” I knew it would blow my mind, but I didn’t know how much it would blow my mind. And it’s only one minute’s worth. Teaser: there is extreme auto-tuning, there are dance beats, there are lyrics like, You all are losers/ I’m sexier than the Teen Mom/ I am cool/ I’m the cool one/ I’m hotter than the Octomom.
Yes. YESSSS. I cannot wait for the music video. Let there be bows! [Buzzfeed]
I guess when the sex tape thing didn’t pull through, Tanning Mom, my muse, had to come up with another way to stay in the spotlight. What about her biopic starring her? I’m dying for that! Anyhow, Patty Krentcil decided to hit the recording studio and cut her first single, “It’s Tan Mom!” The truth is, I don’t care why she’s releasing her new single, just that she is. The track, which begins with Tanning Mom channeling her inner Britney Spears (“It’s Tan Mom, bitch!”) is due out on iTunes May 6. That should pretty much be the best day of my life. Until then, I guess I’ll have to listen to other ill-conceived singles released by people desperate to extend their 15 minutes. I don’t include Reality TV stars in this category because they ALL try their hand at a music career. My two exceptions are Danielle Staub and Courtney Stodden because I have love for those cray bitches. After the jump, some of my favorite never-were-celebrity songs. [AU News] Keep reading »
Tanning Mom is ready to ditch the bows and get down to business. TMZ obtained an email sent by Patricia Krentcil to Vivid Entertainment’s president, Steve Hirsch, shamelessly propositioning him to produce her sex tape:
“I see you are trying to buy this sex tape from this Teen Mom. Well, if you REALLY want to make more MONIES, then I would agree to let you film me and all my hotness … I am far MORE popular and WAY HOTTER than Farrah! Men want a cougar and a real woman, not a teenybopper … Contact me back if you’re ready to talk serious cash and rock the world.”
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