Ladies and gentlemen, we gather here today to remember our dear friend pole dancing.

Beloved by frat boys, horny old men, and starlets in desperate need of attention, pole dancing may have enjoyed decades more of life had not Miley Cyrus pole-danced at the Teen Choice Awards last night.

There’s a reason men are not allowed to touch strippers. Florida resident Michael Ireland was promptly (and rightfully) kicked in the head after forcefully slapping the butt of stripper Sakeena Shageer, aka “Suki,” at Cheetah nightclub in West Palm Beach last September. Ireland is now suing the club—he says the kick broke some bones and gave him permanent double vision, though the Cheetah’s owner denies that “little Suki” could have done that much damage. Hey, at least with his vision, Ireland’s next strip club visit will be a 2-for-1 show. 

Strip clubs get sued all the time and often for equally wonky reasons. After the jump, some other ridiculous XXX lawsuits. And yes, many of them involve lucite heels.

“So let me get this straight? You’ve been a stripper for the past eight years and you’ve never slept with anyone during that entire time?” Blair, my co-worker at the strip club, asked.

“I know, it sounds really weird,” I said. “I just haven’t.  Maybe its guilt from my Italian Catholic upbringing.”

“Kiersten, how is that possible? Come on, that can’t be true,” Blair replied.

Stripper turned Academy Award-winning “Juno” screenwriter Diablo Cody has returned to ranting on her MySpace page, and this one’s a doozy. After she climbed out of Midwestern obscurity to win an Oscar, work with Spielberg, and garner the attention of the international media, the former blogger found herself a target for those who didn’t appreciate her writing abilities, her pole dancing skills, or her ascent to the top of the Hollywood pile. 

“Transformers” star Megan Fox, 22, is trying to outfox the Hollywood media by confessing all the sexy secrets of her wild past. The bikini-clad bombshell, who’s on the cover of the October issue of GQ, exposes more than just her cleavage for the magazine. In an interview, she talked about her life with a frankness not found in most celebrities, including recounting a relationship that she had with a stripper named Nikita who did slow dances to Aerosmith ballads. Although, she declares her “I Kissed A Girl” moment doesn’t mean that she’s gay or bi. “Look, I’m not a lesbian,” she explained. “I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl—Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerizing. And lately I’ve been obsessed with Jenna Jameson.” She went on to lash out at Disney for turning teenage girls into pop-culture sexpots. “They take these little girls … teach them how to sing and dance and make them wear belly shirts, but they won’t allow them to be their own people. It makes me sick. I would never issue an apology for my life and for who I am. It’s like, Oh, I’m sorry I took a naked, private picture that someone … sold for money. …You shouldn’t have to apologize.” Tell it like it is, girlfriend! Looks like this action movie heroine is better at pulling stunts off-screen than on-screen. [GQ]

You can serve the entire country in the military, but the military won’t let you serve yourself.  Did you know that our troops in Iraq aren’t allowed porn?  (If only The Frisky’s cookies could talk, we’d never get drafted!) Our poor overseas personnel who are risking their lives aren’t even allowed to have dirty magazines. All they get are visits from Jessica Simpson.  While the no porno rule supposedly isn’t strictly enforced for combat troops, it just got a contractor sent home. ITT small-arms repairman Brian Sayler was given a free lap dance and some DVDs while on leave visiting his hometown.  A Stoughton, Massachusetts stripper named Cassidey gave him some of her films for free, which he brought back to Iraq with him. When his bunk was searched, the poor patriot was promptly fired. Isn’t this the wrong battle to be fighting? [Boston Magazine]