Nothing has made us giggle as hard this morning as this “Colbert Report” clip about 17-year-old Freesia Jackson, who was nailed by her school officials for possession of a controlled substance: her birth control pills. Popping a baby-blocker in the cafeteria earned this little trollop a two-week suspension from school.

Yesterday we told you about The Gap’s new intern, Kanye West, who joins a long line of celebrities (temporarily) giving up their high-paying day jobs in order to learn something new from the ground up. All of this got me thinking about which celebs we’d like to have intern at The Frisky and what tasks we would give them. After the jump, some of our writers and editors dish on who they’d like to fetch coffee and, uh, other stuff.

Last night, “A Colbert Christmas” made even this Jew get into the holiday spirit.  The hilarious cheeseball musical spoof featured Feist, Willie Nelson, Elvis Costello, Jon Stewart, Toby Keith and some smooth dance moves by the big man himself, Stephen Colbert. While it might be hard to stand out in that crowd, John Legend, dressed as a sexy park ranger, got me in the mood to be a gift that keeps on giving. What is it about a man in uniform?! John did a hot little number about eggnog with nutmeg.  With funny lines like, “Serving eggnog without nutmeg is like serving turkey without a duck and a chicken inside it” and seductive lyrics like, “it’s pure, and it’s fine, and it’s ready to grind,”  let’s just say I’d like to put the “Mmm..” in his nutmeg. [Colbert Nation]

MUSIC

• Guns N’ Roses Chinese Democracy Axl Rose’s anthemic rock voice still makes my panties wetter than the November rain. Chinese Democracy, inflated by all the hype and a very, very long wait, surprisingly lives up to its promise—even with the all new band line-up. “Better” has some of the sickest guitar squeals and “IRS” crunches the classic GNR sound. So, “This I Love” makes me think Axl wants to sing on Broadway, and his mid-life crisis frat bro meets Rasta look isn’t sexy, but the music is still solid gold. This is not an album GNR could have made in the ‘80s when they were kids. It’s a bold, fresh, marvelous record that’ll bury Axl’s eccentricities and lift him up like the awesome rock star he truly is, even after all these years. Thanks for the free Dr. Pepper…and my new jams!

Space, the final frontier, is getting a new voyager and some sperm that’s outta this world! Richard Garriott, the video game visionary behind Tabula Rasa, is going to be the sixth private citizen to be sent to outer space. How’d he get so lucky? Well, he’s started a program to collect, create, and carry digital DNA and snippets of human history as a time capsule to be stored at the International Space Station. The paranoid gamer is worried androids, the apocalypse, and natural disasters could make us all extinct. His fear has inspired him to create the project, called “Operation Immortality,” to ensure a future for humanity. So who’s genetic code is he cracking? So far, brilliant comedian and well-known narcissist, Stephen Colbert, has agreed to donate, but even the average Jane can offer up her stuff too!  All you have to do is play the free trial of Tabula Rasa and your name could get selected at random to become a sample.  But if DNA seems a bit too personal, you can simply send a message to the Universe by typing a note about the 21st Century here. Mr. Garriott will be collecting information until October when his shuttle launches. So, with a month to go, we’d like to recommend a few good peeps we think the future could use…

Jon Stewart is a sexy motherf*#%er.  The suit, the smirk, the wit, he makes us Frisky gals weak in the knees. Sigh, but of course we’re not the only ones.  Comedy Central Insider has been assembling the 25 Sexiest Daily Show Moments, which is quite a daunting task since Stewart is at the top of his game day after day. Sure, some of the selections include correspondents like the girl crushable Rachael Harris, but there’s still mucho Stewart manliness. And the countdown to #1 isn’t over yet! So we would like to respectfully submit our favorite menage a trois moment from the show: Conan O’Brien, Stephen Colbert, and Stewart, dancing and wrestling. The boys are all fired up and grabby, swoooon. [Fark]

There are so many reasons to love Stephen Colbert, and today’s reason is that he totally made Philip Weiss his bitch. Weiss is the writer behind that hateful New York story, “The Affairs Of Married Men”, which enraged me while I was on vacation. Colbert calls Weiss out, asking, “Isn’t there any chance that this is a sophisticated rationalization for being a complete a**hole?” Um yes. [Via Radar]

Maybe the real lesson learned from all of this isn’t that Miley Cyrus is a lil’ trampy for 15, or that her parents were remiss, or that Disney needs to chill the hell out. Maybe it’s that Annie Leibovitz is played out. [Comedy Central: The Colbert Report]

David Levy, the author of Love and Sex with Robots went on The Colbert Report recently to talk about the book, which people have been discussing non-stop since its publication in November. While the audience and Colbert laughed hysterically, David was completely serious, saying that we will be having sex with robots in five years and be capable of falling in love with them in 40. Not only will these robots be able to simulate humans well enough to get us to fall in love with them, but they’ll also be better in bed. Unlike humans with our handful of lovers from which we draw experience, the robots will be programmed with all of the information and tricks from all of the books ever written about sex. David says this is one of the major problems he sees, “...in particular with men having some sort of sexual anxiety because If they realize their woman has had the most fantastic sex of her life with a robot, guy might think, ‘I wonder if I can perform that well.’” But women will have something to worry about as well, because men will be able to program their robots to want to have sex with them. And at only a couple hundred dollars by mid century, a robot could be a better investment than a wife. [Comedy Central]