Sometimes, after you’ve experienced a traumatic event, your brain does all it can to protect you from trauma. In the case of physical pain, your body can go into a type of physical shock — like when car crash victims report that they were able to escape a burning car despite a major open leg wound because their bodies went into protective mode and blocked them from the pain of the wound. And in the case of emotional pain, victims often report burying psychologically traumatic episodes deep within their psyches as a way of moving on with their lives. And I suppose it was something akin to this that made me totally forget about the time I stole a girl’s boyfriend until right about now. Keep reading »
As a broke, 27-year-old graduate student slowly recovering from a messy break up, I posted a profile on OkCupid in hopes of meeting a guy who did his own laundry and didn’t kill animals. Despite my Baptist parents’ and grandparents’ longstanding encouragement to find a God-fearing gentleman, my standard was slightly lower. A man who was more or less moral would do. Keep reading »
There I was in the grocery, pressing the ends of a cantaloupe and sniffing it, trying to decide if it was ripe. Across the produce section, I spotted my landlord. I waved, a normal courtesy I extended the two times a year I happened upon him in real life. He left his cart, and came rushing towards me. As he came closer, I realized he was mad. “Why haven’t you paid your rent in four months?” he yelled.
I felt adrenaline surge through my body. What was he talking about? I always paid my rent. Never so much as a day late. Every month, a week before it was due, I wrote a check to my roommate and best friend, Leah*. Keep reading »
“I have a hard time not buying or stealing. If I want something, I have to have it … I used to steal more. I mostly stole from Goodwill. You know, ‘Can’t be bothered. The line’s too long. Put it in your purse.’”
—Beth Ditto the now famous Karl Lagerfeld-approved singer, explaining her penchant for helping herself to a few new garments of clothing [Paper] Keep reading »
Friskians, pop quiz time! (Disclaimer: If your boss is standing nearby, please close this window ASAP. But then again, you would never cruise the internet during work hours would you?) Imagine you work in an office: You consider yourself a dutiful, honest employee, though you may have taken an extra granola bar or two from the office’s kitchen stash. In your spare time you have taken on some volunteer work helping out a non-profit company with a special project. You are tasked with making 10,000 copies for an upcoming meeting at the non-profit. Do you:
A) Go to Kinkos and pay way too much for the copies.
B) Ask your employer permission to make 10,000 copies for a “good cause.” Corporations love “good causes.”
C) Sneak into the office wearing all black at 9 p.m. when the last workaholic has gone home and make the copies.
D) Tell the non-profit company that you can’t afford to volunteer for them anymore and that they should find richer volunteers. Keep reading »
Some men in the Congo fear that their penises have been stolen or shrunk by sorcerers. (Guys, you were born that way! You can’t blame your small size on a sorcerer!) Reports of penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where witchcraft remains widespread, and things can get pretty violent as accusations fly. A decade ago, 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs, so these days, police arrest suspected victims and sorcerers to prevent violence. “I’m tempted to say it’s one huge joke,” said Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, Kinshasa’s police chief. “But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it’s become tiny or that they’ve become impotent. To that I tell them, ‘How do you know if you haven’t gone home and tried it’.” [Reuters] Keep reading »
Maybe you’ve never admitted it out loud, but we all have the capacity to be cruel. The Bad Girlfriend has the capacity and then some. She’s a friend of ours who we love for being trustworthy and smart, funny and exceedingly loyal…to her girlfriends, that is. But boyfriends? That’s another story. We pity the fools who end up on her arm — give it a few months, a year, even three, and suddenly they won’t know what hit ‘em. We don’t expect you to love her, but we do expect that you may, begrudgingly, see a bit of yourself in her bad deeds.
You know that song by No Doubt, “Ex-Girlfriend”? The chorus goes, “Kind of always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend”? When I hear that song, I change the words to this: “Kind of always knew I’d end up a bad girlfriend,” because no matter what, I inevitably do. I don’t mean to be sleazy. I don’t set out thinking, “I’m going to cheat, lie, and steal from this sucker,” each time I enter a new relationship, but I do. For some reason, I am totally cruel to dudes. Still, after each fresh new breakup, I feel that I’ve learned a valuable lesson from the experience. And that counts for something, right? Keep reading »