What if tabloids snarked on men’s bodies–like Quentin Tarantino, Gerard Depardieu, Rob Kardashian and Gerard Butler, featured here–the way they constantly snark on women? Instead of mag covers deriding “stars without makeup” or telling us who has the best and worst “beach bodies,” we might see covers on the most egregious beer bellies in Hollywood or features on celebs with encroaching male pattern baldness. That day will likely never come, which, okay, fine. I’m not saying I’d prefer magazines to rip men’s bodies apart — I’d just like to show you how absolutely inured we are to a culture that dissects women’s bodies like they’re a bunch of frogs on a lab table. Think about how weird it is that these magazines are targeted at women, and women are more or less the sole objects of these magazine’s bodily criticism and speculation. Now that’s what I call a vicious cycle.
This faux magazine cover will likely make you laugh, because men’s forms just aren’t talked about this way, but women are regularly reduced to their body parts in the abstract. But hopefully it’ll also give you pause the next time you see a cover deriding Tori Spelling’s cellulite. (Click here to see larger image.)
Today in Ew, That’s Too Much Information: Kate Middleton is allegedly pregnant following a “passionate night together” with husband Prince William after the London Olympics. They just looooved the Olympics, I guess! Star magazine’s sources, who appear to be tiny gossips living right inside Kate’s uterus, say the royal couple are “keeping the news close to the vest” but “Kate is convinced it’s happened.” The duchess supposedly knows she is knocked up because “a woman can always tell when the earliest signs appear,” which is a more polite way of saying puking. I am not going to order baby shower supplies from Party Pieces just yet. Didn’t the Olympics just end, like, two weeks ago? It could just be gas, or nerves over her brother-in-law is an exhibitionist. [Hollywood Life]
In celebrity “journalism,” there are few rules. An Us Weekly article on, say, Jennifer Aniston wanting to adopt a baby could be filled with nothing but quotes from unnamed sources. Cover lines asserting that “Sandra Bullock Takes Jesse Back!” or “Jessica Simpson Is Getting Cold Feet!” often pertain to a story that says something far less OMG, like that Sandra and Jesse supposedly had a pleasant phone conversation or Jessica was spotted looking “sad” one day. But generally, when it comes to children — specifically the children of celebrities — tabloid magazines play it safe, focusing on photos of the tots looking adorable or incredibly wordy stories about their extravagant birthday parties. But not Star! This week’s issue of the magazine features a cover story alleging that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie‘s twins, Vivienne and Knox, have Down Syndrome. A story like this doesn’t just toe the line of inappropriate, it crosses it, loops back around, and crosses it again. Keep reading »
This week’s Star proclaims that a “95 lb” Tori Spelling collapsed because she was so thin and fragile. Spelling responded by taking to her Twitter and daring them to come over, scale in hand, for a little
tea weighing session. Dude, what if they say yes? [Twitter] Keep reading »
Who doesn’t love a good celebrity gossip rag mag? Sure, they’re our dirty little secret [Not so dirty, as my purse stuffed with Us Weekly and Life & Style can attest. -- Editor], equal to someone opening the top drawer of our nightstand. But like any gluttonous pleasure, sometimes they go too far — like this week’s Star magazine, which features “celebs without makeup”. Ooooh, booga-booga! Worse yet, one of their cover girls is 15-year-old celebuspawn and Hannah Montana star, Miley Cyrus. She’s a child star — frankly she should be makeup-free! And if you’re reading this, then I know you have at least a t-shirt older than her baby face. Plus the other girls they feature front and center, like Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson and Katie Holmes, are all 30 and under — oh the horror of seeing their actual pores, smile lines, and, ACK, zits! Star Magazine, forget about wrinkles, your “reporting” is starting to show cracks. [Star] Keep reading »