Tag Archives: sperm

Meet China’s Hands-Free Sperm Extractor Machine (For The Times When A Regular Handjob Won’t Do)

sperm extractor
Look, Ma, No Hands!

File this one under “Things I Had To Check Weren’t A Clickhole Post First”: hospitals in China have machines to extract sperm. The hands-free gizmos are used by urology departments to manually pump out semen through a “massage pipe” when extracting it the, ummm, normal way doesn’t work anymore. Apparently it is used for sperm donation? I dunno, the sperm extractor looks unappealingly antiseptic and clinical to me (video is SFW), although I guess it’s not much different than a Fleshlight. Pity the poor urological nurse in charge of clean up! [IFL Science]

In Which A 67-Year-Old Teaches Us About Sperm Facials

"All you need is a lover…"

Best-selling author (that term is used loosely in this case), life coach, couples counselor and tantric guide Stella Ralfini reveals the secret to having radiant, wrinkle-free skin at the age of 67: lots and lots of semen masks, a soft-focus lens and poor lighting. In a brilliant YouTube video, Ralfini describes how to do the beauty treatment at home:

“All you need is a lover but if you don’t have one, you know what to do. All you need to do is, every ten days or two weeks, just both have a good time, make sure he has a good time, and when your beautiful love-making session is over, you are going to scoop this amazing sperm mask up in your fingers, put it on your face, leave it for fifteen minutes and wash it off.”

Keep reading »

Crocheted Sperm Are Cuddly, Soft And There’s No Mess To Clean Up

Your relationship with ejaculate doesn’t have to be as bad as Monica Lewinsky’s to appreciate a cuddly little sperm friend! These crocheted Spermies are sold by Etsy shop Wonka’s Willy Factor and are both custom- and hand(job-)made. One Spermie is $13, a three-pack is $30, and both would be enough to get you pregnant (if they weren’t made out of yarn). What you choose to do with your Spermies are your choice. I suggest a colorful biology or sex ed session with a matching crochet dick.  [Laughing Squid] Keep reading »

Doctor To Perform Vasectomies For A Live Audience To Make The World A Better Place

My Husband's Vasectomy
Why Andrea's husband is getting a vasectomy. Read More »
Semen's Health Benefits
10 surprising health benefits of sperm. Read More »
Vasectomy Problem
Can this woman sue her husband's ex to pay for his vasectomy reversal? Read More »
Penis Snatching
It's happening in Africa. Read More »
doctor with scalpel

In honor of the inaugural World Vasectomy Day on October 18, Dr. Doug Stein of Florida wants to perform vasectomies at Adelaide’s Royal Institution of Australia. For a live audience. Fielding questions about the procedure. And streaming it online. Keep reading »

A Kilt Is A Sperm’s Best Friend

Men In Kilts
You can hire these men in kilts to clean your windows. Read More »

A kilt may not be your best friend because, while it provides easy access to the junk, let’s admit it, it can be hard to get it up for a man in a skirt. (I know, I know. It’s not a skirt, it’s traditional Scottish garb.) Even if he does have a sexy accent and you’ve hired him to power-wash your drain gutters (that wasn’t a pun, that service exists), getting aroused by a kilted man may prove difficult. But according the latest issue of Scottish Medical Journal, we’ll need to get over it because a guy in a kilt is a God amongst men:

“In addition to keeping their scrotum at a cooler temperature, which research proves can boost sperm count, kilt wearers enjoy psychological benefits, such as feeling more masculine and proud and enjoying positive attention from sexual admirers…”

A kilt makes a man both fertile and virile … if you like that kind of thing or if you’re trying to make a baby. And even if you aren’t that into free-hanging fruit, they’ll think you are. Once this news gets out, it’s going to be Tartan Day every day. [Jezebel]

I’m Sorry, I Refuse To Drink A Semen Cocktail

Semen Squirt Gun
This man used a semen-filled squirt gun as a weapon. Read More »
Semen 101
semen photo
Everything you need to know about man's precious nectar. Read More »
Semen In Yogurt
Did this woman's yogurt test positive for semen? Find out! Read More »
Squid Sperm
When your dinner tries to impregnate your mouth. Read More »

I can endorse sperm as a cure for morning sickness or even as a natural mood booster, but, I’m sorry, I refuse to drink a semen cocktail. We all have to draw the line somewhere and this where I draw mine. I refuse to walk into a bar and order a “Galliano Cum Shot” or a “Slightly Saltier Caviar.”

In the new book Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook, Paul “Fotie” Photoenhauer, who also wrote Natural Harvest: Collection of Semen Based Recipes, teaches us how to mix selected spirits to enhance the delicate flavors of semen. To quote the Amazon book description:

“Driven by a commitment and passion for the freshly harvested ingredient, Semenology pushes the limits of classic bartending. Semen is often freshly available behind most bar counters and adds a personal touch to any cocktail.”

Since when is semen freshly available behind most bar counters? Never mind. I don’t want to know. This better not become the new mixology trend.[Huffington Post]

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