Tag Archives: sperm

In Which A 67-Year-Old Teaches Us About Sperm Facials

"All you need is a lover…"

Best-selling author (that term is used loosely in this case), life coach, couples counselor and tantric guide Stella Ralfini reveals the secret to having radiant, wrinkle-free skin at the age of 67: lots and lots of semen masks, a soft-focus lens and poor lighting. In a brilliant YouTube video, Ralfini describes how to do the beauty treatment at home:

“All you need is a lover but if you don’t have one, you know what to do. All you need to do is, every ten days or two weeks, just both have a good time, make sure he has a good time, and when your beautiful love-making session is over, you are going to scoop this amazing sperm mask up in your fingers, put it on your face, leave it for fifteen minutes and wash it off.”

Keep reading »

Crocheted Sperm Are Cuddly, Soft And There’s No Mess To Clean Up

Your relationship with ejaculate doesn’t have to be as bad as Monica Lewinsky’s to appreciate a cuddly little sperm friend! These crocheted Spermies are sold by Etsy shop Wonka’s Willy Factor and are both custom- and hand(job-)made. One Spermie is $13, a three-pack is $30, and both would be enough to get you pregnant (if they weren’t made out of yarn). What you choose to do with your Spermies are your choice. I suggest a colorful biology or sex ed session with a matching crochet dick.  [Laughing Squid] Keep reading »

Doctor To Perform Vasectomies For A Live Audience To Make The World A Better Place

My Husband's Vasectomy
Why Andrea's husband is getting a vasectomy. Read More »
Semen's Health Benefits
10 surprising health benefits of sperm. Read More »
Vasectomy Problem
Can this woman sue her husband's ex to pay for his vasectomy reversal? Read More »
Penis Snatching
It's happening in Africa. Read More »
doctor with scalpel

In honor of the inaugural World Vasectomy Day on October 18, Dr. Doug Stein of Florida wants to perform vasectomies at Adelaide’s Royal Institution of Australia. For a live audience. Fielding questions about the procedure. And streaming it online. Keep reading »

A Kilt Is A Sperm’s Best Friend

Men In Kilts
You can hire these men in kilts to clean your windows. Read More »

A kilt may not be your best friend because, while it provides easy access to the junk, let’s admit it, it can be hard to get it up for a man in a skirt. (I know, I know. It’s not a skirt, it’s traditional Scottish garb.) Even if he does have a sexy accent and you’ve hired him to power-wash your drain gutters (that wasn’t a pun, that service exists), getting aroused by a kilted man may prove difficult. But according the latest issue of Scottish Medical Journal, we’ll need to get over it because a guy in a kilt is a God amongst men:

“In addition to keeping their scrotum at a cooler temperature, which research proves can boost sperm count, kilt wearers enjoy psychological benefits, such as feeling more masculine and proud and enjoying positive attention from sexual admirers…”

A kilt makes a man both fertile and virile … if you like that kind of thing or if you’re trying to make a baby. And even if you aren’t that into free-hanging fruit, they’ll think you are. Once this news gets out, it’s going to be Tartan Day every day. [Jezebel]

I’m Sorry, I Refuse To Drink A Semen Cocktail

Semen Squirt Gun
This man used a semen-filled squirt gun as a weapon. Read More »
Semen 101
semen photo
Everything you need to know about man's precious nectar. Read More »
Semen In Yogurt
Did this woman's yogurt test positive for semen? Find out! Read More »
Squid Sperm
When your dinner tries to impregnate your mouth. Read More »

I can endorse sperm as a cure for morning sickness or even as a natural mood booster, but, I’m sorry, I refuse to drink a semen cocktail. We all have to draw the line somewhere and this where I draw mine. I refuse to walk into a bar and order a “Galliano Cum Shot” or a “Slightly Saltier Caviar.”

In the new book Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook, Paul “Fotie” Photoenhauer, who also wrote Natural Harvest: Collection of Semen Based Recipes, teaches us how to mix selected spirits to enhance the delicate flavors of semen. To quote the Amazon book description:

“Driven by a commitment and passion for the freshly harvested ingredient, Semenology pushes the limits of classic bartending. Semen is often freshly available behind most bar counters and adds a personal touch to any cocktail.”

Since when is semen freshly available behind most bar counters? Never mind. I don’t want to know. This better not become the new mixology trend.[Huffington Post]

Chinese Woman Applies Moisturizer, Discovers It’s Actually Semen

Semen In Yogurt
Did this woman's yogurt test positive for semen? Find out! Read More »
Semen's Health Benefits
10 surprising health benefits of sperm. Read More »
More Uses For Spem

Oh, is it a WORST NIGHTMARE kind of day? I think it must be, because this is (one of) my actual worst nightmare(s) (I’m neurotic as hell, what can I say): a 19-year-old Chinese woman cracked open a bottle of moisturizer and used much of the contents to, you know, moisturize her face, like womenz do. She noticed something was off about the cream, particularly the smell, and mentioned it to her roommate. You can see where this is going. Zeng Lin’s roommate revealed that, just as she had suspected, the moisturizer was not, in fact, moisturizer. Nah, it was just a bottle full of semen! Of course. Keep reading »

Art School Confiscates 68 Vials Of Student’s Sperm

genitals

Are you eating? Because I can’t ask you to read a blog post about an art student who stored 68 vials of his own sperm in a school fridge without making sure.

Marc Bradley Johnson, 23, who attends the School of Visual Arts in New York City, planned an exhibition called “Take This Sperm And Be Free Of Me,” displaying 68 vials of his own spunk in a fridge, which he “harvested” himself, that visitors could take home. The jizz was meant to represent “creation, parenting, desire, masculinity, fantasy and reality.” He even agreed to microwave the sperm vials to kill off pathogens (and, bonus, achieve that freshly-harvested feeling of warmth!). Keep reading »

Semen 101
semen photo
Everything you need to know about man's precious nectar. Read More »
Semen's Health Benefits
10 surprising health benefits of sperm. Read More »

Jennifer Garner Praises Ben Affleck’s “Wonder Sperm”

Baby Boy For Jen & Ben
Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner photo
Jennifer Garner gave birth to her third kid, baby Samuel Affleck. Read More »
Seraphina's Dad Shirt
I wonder if she prefers him as a dad or as an actor? Read More »
Wife Swap?
Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are cooking up a wife swap plan. Read More »
Jen Sans Fards
Still lovely minus the ever-helpful beauty squad. Read More »
  • Jennifer Garner praised, grossly, Ben Affleck’s “wonder sperm” in a chat with Ellen DeGeneres. Why does this strangely feel like hearing your mom and dad having sex? [Babble]
  • J.K. Rowling says another Harry Potter book is not out of the question. [Celebrity Cafe]
  • What have the Kardashians said about Kanye West’s two sex tapes? [PopBytes]
  • Nicki Minaj is supposedly filming a reality show for E!, which will be a lot of Nicki on TV because she’s also a new “American Idol” host. [Perez Hilton]
  • Fiona Apple is still blathering on at concerts about getting arrested for possession of hash in Texas. [NYMag.com] Keep reading »

6 (More) Uses For Sperm

We know that sperm’s primary function to make babies happen. But this miracle juice is more multi-faceted than we suspected. According to some new research done by SUNY-Albany psychologist, Gordon Gallup, semen may simultaneously be the cause and the cure for morning sickness in pregnant women. Because half of the fetus’ DNA comes from the father, the mother’s body may initially treat the organism as foreign tissue or an infection. This response triggers the symptoms of morning sickness. “The best cure for this type of sickness,” says Gallup, “Is, strangely enough, the same thing as its cause. The more exposure a woman has to her partner’s semen—that is to say, the more often she’s inseminated prior to conception and during the early stages of the pregnancy—the more tolerance her body develops to his genetic material.”

You heard it. Miracle of miracles! Sperm may cure your morning sickness. Click onward for more hidden talents of the incredible, edible sperm. [Slate]

Peeing Or Squirting?
7 ways to know if you're a female ejaculator. Read More »
Semen 101
semen photo
Everything you need to know about man's precious nectar. Read More »

Help Me, Please: Cooked Squid Tries To Impregnate A Woman’s Mouth

Tainted Yogurt
yogurt photo
Woman claims yogurt sample "tasted like body fluids." Read More »

I just ate sushi for lunch and I had octopus ceviche last night for dinner. I eat so much seafood. I think I am going to pass out right now. Full panic onset. I just read about this case from the Journal of Parasitology where a Korean woman’s mouth was inseminated by a cooked squid. I say cooked meaning it was dead. So back to the story. The 63-year-old experienced pain in her mouth after eating a boiled squid’s internal organs. She had a “pricking and foreign-body sensation” in her mouth. When she went to the hospital, doctors removed a bunch of “small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms stuck in the mucous membrane of the tongue, cheek, and gingiva.” Translation: Squid sperm.

There are three things I’m going to do and in this order: 1) Brush my teeth for peace of mind, 2) Eliminate calamari from my diet forever, 3) Go watch the video of “Baby Without a Face.” That’s the only thing I can think of that scares me more than the thought of my dinner trying to impregnate my mouth. [i09]

[Writer's note: I believe this came out differently than intended. I was trying to use an example of something that upset me. On second thought it's distasteful. My apologies.]

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