When Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt dress up as Jon and Kate Gosselin for Halloween, an angel bursts into flames. [Los Angeles, 10/29/09]

On last night’s episode of “The Hills” there was a totally laughable subplot involving Speidi staging an intervention for Heidi‘s younger older sister, Holly. Holly, you see, had a couple of shots at a party, spent a few minutes talking to Brent Bolthouse about art (oh noes!), and then did the robot. These three things, apparently, are evidence of rampant alcoholism. Somebody get Ken Seeley on the phone! But seriously, far more problematic, in my opinion? Spencer‘s cowboy hat. Also, maybe Speidi’s time would have been better used counseling his sister Stephanie, who was busted for a DUI last weekend.

Nerve.com recently interviewed Spencer Pratt and learned the reality TV “star” has a lot sex and relationship advice to dole out. When asked what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie could learn from his successful relationship, he replied:

I think that since their relationship was founded on infidelity, their structure, their foundation is always going to be impossible. She’s always going to be thinking, “Wait. You already did this to Jen. Are you gonna do this to me?” Thank God I don’t live that life, because I don’t see how you can keep that marriage together. Personally, if I got together with my wife after cheating on my last wife, I’d definitely think my wife is a shady little hussy who could be cheating on me any time.

Spencer Pratt is a way better man than Brad Pitt, see, because instead of basing his marriage on infidelity, he’s based it on inauthenticity and an appalling lack of depth. [via Nerve]

Spencer Pratt has been running his mouth for the past few weeks, saying he’s avoiding having sex with his wife because he’s afraid she’ll get pregnant. Well, that wife, Heidi Montag, filled in for Elisabeth Hasselbeck as the token blond conservative on “The View” today and she explained oh so much more. Apparently, it’s not that Spencer isn’t ready for kids now—it’s that he doesn’t want them at all, period. (Likely because a real baby would divert Heidi’s attention away from her man baby.) Um, isn’t this something to discuss in depth before you walk down the aisle, especially if you want three or four kids like Heidi? Not that I’m in favor of these two procreating. At all. Ever. Clip above! [The View]

“I’m not even kidding, my wife—OK, I’m gonna get crass here—but we’re barely having sex because I’m scared that she’s gonna have a baby. That’s the level our marriage is on right now. I’m not even kidding—my wife has me debating cutting off my nuts.”

—Spencer Pratt, reacting to Heidi’s sudden baby fever. Would it be wrong to say we hope he goes through with it? [People]

Considering Heidi is her brother’s wife, the incestuous undercurrents are icky. The fact that her brother is Spencer Pratt makes it even worse.

Our worst nightmare has come true. No, it’s not the apocalypse—it’s spawning season for Heidi and Spencer Pratt. People announced that the next season of “The Hills” will have some changes, including this gem: “Heidi and Spencer are entering some interesting new territory of considering parenthood.” [People]

Noooooooooo! I guess it was inevitable, but do Barbie and Kendouche really have to procreate so soon? I bet they’ve already sold the rights to their unborn baby pictures and I have no qualms saying I think these two should be involuntarily sterilized. They’re Aryan super-villains with a plan to take over the media and they must be stopped! After the jump, 10 other celebrity couples who must be stopped from breeding.

Hated reality TV star Spencer Pratt has decided to enlighten us all by writing a book called “How to Be Famous.” I think he should retitle it “How To Make Yourself Into A Complete Jackass.” In the book, Spencer tries to make himself out to be a Public Relations bad ass. He brags about leaking the deets of Lauren Conrad’s sex tape because she was mean to Heidi Montag and seems to think that now that she’s gone from “The Hills” he’s going to rule. One thing we agree with? “If I weren’t me, I’d hate me,” he writes. Yeah dude, that’s pretty much how it is. [NY Daily News]

Those much-talked-about photos of Heidi Montag in Playboy have finally hit the web. While they are pretty tame, considering, you know, she’s not exactly naked in them, I wouldn’t exactly describe them as “chaste” either. In the pics, she lolls about on a bed, reclines near a fireplace, stares blankly out a window. With her top off. Or her bottom off. It’s like the usual Playboy fare—but without all the naughty bits. Personally, I find them somewhat depressing. Remember those early seasons of “The Hills,” when Heidi was a sassy back-talker who dropped men like so much tissue? In this layout, she looks like a sad, over-posed Barbie doll. In other words, the wet dream of Spencer Pratt. Shudder. [Hollyscoop]

It’s always so shocking—shocking, I tell you!—when it turns out that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been telling not-truths yet again. I expect so much more from my reality TV stars! Truth, honesty, and an ability to eat really gross food-like items. In any case, remember that Heidi Montag naked in Playboy spread that we told you about? That “The Hills” duo has been yapping about, like, for-ev-uh? Well, as it turns out, Heidi’s not even naked in it. All six glossy pages of the female half of Speidi are totally PG. Purportedly, the instructions given to the magazine (by who, her vagina wrangler?) were: “No nipples, no vagina, no a**.” You can’t make this stuff up, people. I mean, if you’re going to go Playboy, don’t you think you should, like, go there? [TMZ]

• Spencer Pratt showed off Heidi Montag-Pratt‘s September Playboy cover while at the “G.I. Joe” premiere. [Us Weekly]—Seriously, who does that?
• Milla Jovovich has revealed one of her attractions to fiancé and film director Paul Anderson—his Newcastle, England upbringing and the town’s fish and chips specialty. [People]—I can’t wait to see photos of their Aug. 22 wedding.
• Sienna Miller has admitted she feels “foolish” for how she handled her relationship with Balthazar Getty. [OK! UK]—We’ve all been there, but I’m sure it’s much worse when you’re in the public eye.

• A sex tape starring Leighton Meester is being shopped to the highest bidder, and apparently she’s very good at foot jobs. [Dlisted]—So now a sex tape seems to be a rite of passage for young starlets.
• Ashley Greene and Adrian Grenier are officially dating. [Perez Hilton]—And he knows to leave his “Entourage” at home.
• A rep for LeAnn Rimes says she isn’t ready for a divorce, despite rumors that her husband, Dean Sheremet, was “distraught and heartbroken” because she told him she was ready to take a break. [E! Online]—Why get a divorce when you can have your piece on the side and your husband won’t do anything about it?

Lauren Conrad was on “The View” this morning to promote her “novel,” L.A. Candy (we’re going to a “reading” tonight!). The interview was pretty awkward and the ladies spent about, oh, six seconds discussing the book, after they peppered L.C. with questions about Heidi and Spencer. The greatest revelation? You know that little “apology” Spencer delivered to Lauren, over the phone, in order to get her to come to the wedding? Never happened. See the clip above…

• Al Roker has been accused of attacking Heidi and Spencer Pratt on “The Today Show” on Monday, as the newlyweds discussed their one-week stint on “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here.” [Today]—Seems to us that Roker was just doing his job.
• Oh dear. Here’s a list of “10 Things Your Dad Inadvertently Taught You About Sex.” [Em & Lo]—Cringe.
• Katie Holmes has reportedly met with “So You Think You Can Dance” executive producer Nigel Lythgoe more than once. Reps for the show haven’t confirmed that Holmes will take center stage on the show, but there have been rumors that she may! [People]

• Usher proved the rumor mill right when he filed for divorce from Tameka Foster, his wife of nearly two years. [E! Online]—The only one who might be surprised about this is Tameka. Hey, I never stopped calling her by her maiden name, anyway.
• Karl Lagerfeld is swinging insults at Heidi Klum again, but this time he attacks her husband too, saying he wouldn’t want Seal’s skin, which was damaged from a form of lupus. [The Sun]—Sounds like Karl is jealous to me.
• For the second night in a row, Paris Hilton spent the night with some guy named Cristiano Ronaldo. [Dlisted]

• A $121,000 lawsuit filed by R&B singer Brandy Norwood’s mother against Kim Kardashian has been dismissed. [People] – Norwood claimed that Kim had used Brandy’s credit card for unauthorized purchases, but considering that Kim’s a millionaire, that seems kind of unlikely.
• PopEater journalists tried out Lindsay Lohan’s tanning spray, to see if the horrid orange color that LiLo often sports would look better on their own skin. [PopEater]—The verdict, as expected, was that it didn’t.
• “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here” producers are trying desperately to get Spencer and Heidi back to the jungle. [Life and Style]—Rumor has it that Heidi’s sister, Holly, will be making an appearance as well.

“There were times in my life I couldn’t afford Ramen and I couldn’t afford tampons.”

—Heidi Montag Pratt cries poor to her “I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Outta Here!” cast members. [MSN]

• Jamie Lynn Spears gives us the finger, and parties it up. [TMZ]—We’re glad the girl is finally acting her age, but we’re a little scared about what’s in the cup.
• Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston have reportedly split up. [Us Magazine] —He was too cute for her, anyway.
• Courtney Love seems to have recovered from her mid-life crisis, and is on to bigger and better things…like starting her own fashion line. [Refinery 29] —I have to admit, I’m more scared than excited.