All this craziness over Team Edward or Team Jacob is getting old real fast, so don’t come around here with your mugs and t-shirts. I don’t care which team you’re on. It’s just disrespectful to the other “New Moon” hotties! In this flick there is a plethora of vamps and wolves panting and wanting your blood, and, like I always say in bars, go for the cross-eyed one and you won’t get hurt. They might not have Jacob’s abs or Edward’s broodiness, but I’d still totally let them poke me with their stakes.

If you’re a fan of “CSI,” you already know that this week is an epic three-episode crossover of “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,” “CSI: Miami” and “CSI: NY,” where Laurence Fishburne (Ray Langston) teams up with David Caruso (slow-talking Horatio Caine) in Miami and Gary Sinise (Mac Taylor) in New York to break up a nationwide teenage prostitution/murder ring. We’re really concerned about the integrity of the series and stuff, but more importantly we immediately asked ourselves—which of these guys would we shun, shag, and marry?

Tonight, my friends, is game six of the World Series, aka the night the Yankees could win it all. To be completely honest with you, I couldn’t give a damn about baseball and have never watched a full game in my life. However, I recognize that the game involves hot, illusive men in tights who do heroic things, so I’ll take a gambit at making potentially fakelife-altering decisions and choose which of the Yankees and which of the Phillies I would shun, shag, and marry.

“Couples Retreat,” the flick about four couples who receive couples therapy on a paradise vacation, killed it at the box office this weekend, pulling in $35.3 million by Sunday night, which is pretty impressive since critics have been slamming it. My brother even claims it was worse than “Joe Versus the Volcano,” which is the film to which we compare all bad movies. But neither success nor criticism can distract us from the most important question of all, which is, of course: Which cast members would we shun, shag, or marry? I cursed the day that I would have to shun any of these fine gentlemen, but, unfortunately, journalism is a cutthroat vocation and sometimes you’ve got to break some eggs to make breakfast.

Where would we be without social networking sites? We’d never know that the cheerleader who made fun of us in high school got fat, or that the boy who pulled our pigtails in elementary school got married to the girl who gave our boyfriend chlamydia in college. You’d have no idea that the world was so small, that your best friend is currently “totally stressing,” or that your mother knew how to upload pictures. And who do we have to thank for these little joys? The men of MySpace, Twitter, and Facebook, of course, who all happen to be smart, wealthy and hot! Even though Rupert Murdoch (who bought MySpace for $580 million) said the site is for stalkers, and Facebook is rife with Obama haters who want him dead, and Twitter hasn’t earned a single dollar in revenue, these are our boys. And we know just what to do with them.

The Kardashian sisters sure know how to pick a winner. Kourtney is pregnant, so has gotten back together with baby daddy Scott Disick, who she’s planning to marry. Then this week, in a move that many suspect was intended to one-up Kourtney, Khloe announced that she’s marrying her boyfriend of a month, Lamar Odom, this weekend. Kim recently called it kwits with her beau of two years, Reggie Bush, but the two say that they broke up due to the difficulty of long distance, not because they don’t still love each other. So which one of these guys would we shun, shag, and marry?

Now that the drought of summer TV is over, there is a new swarm of drool-worthy actors on the small screen. No matter what your type is, there is a show specifically catering to your needs. “Melrose Place” boasts a cast of sketchy brooding dudes, but are they worth killing for? Equally brooding but more blood-thirsty is the cast of “The Vampire Diaries.” Then there’s the sweet, song-happy men of “Glee.” Which male cast has us the most smitten? Here’s who we’d shun, shag, and marry.

Because we’ll never run out of excuses to root for men in leotards, we’re excited for the slew of superhero movies that are currently in the works. Last week, we swooned when we heard that Ryan Reynolds had been cast as the Green Lantern, everyone’s favorite super hero test pilot. “Thor” is also gearing up for filming, Natalie Portman will be appearing in it alongside Chris Hemsworth—Kirk’s hot dad in “Star Trek.” And then there’s “Iron Man 2.” Robert Downey Jr. assures us that the new flick will be sex-soaked. “We’re horny,” he said. “Not, like, can’t-bring-your-kids horny. Just… horny.” [I’m Not Obsessed]

So which of these super heroes should we Shun, Shag, or Marry?

So I guess we’re not the only ones shunning, shagging, and marrying? On a recent Australian radio show, “Kyle and Jackie O,” Katy Perry was posed the familiar question: Shoot, shag or marry? The players: Pete Wentz, Benji Madden, John Mayer. Perry didn’t take long to answer. “Well, Pete seems like a really good dad, as of lately. So no offense Ashley, if you believe in multiple wives, I would marry Pete.” Okay, agreed. Then she followed up with this: “I don’t know if I could marry John Mayer, it would just be so intense. I’d definitely shag the s**t out of him though. I can go on record saying that.” Whoa. John Mayer, I’m sure you can get Katy’s number. CALL HER. [X17]

Of course, that left Benji. “I guess I’d have to shoot Benji, he’s a nice guy, but someone’s got to go down.”

Terry Gilliam is an out there director—he’s the one behind “12 Monkeys” and “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.” His newest flick, “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus,” premiered at Cannes on Friday. Heath Ledger was originally the star, and filming was about halfway done when…well, you know. Gilliam decided to rework the role so that Heath shares it with Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell, and Jude Law. Hello, hot back-ups!

“Imaginarium” involves a deal with a devil, which allows people to go through a magical mirror and explore their imaginations. Uh, strange? Obviously, we wish it could have been Heath the whole way through, but we figured we’d take a look at the three megastars who filled in at the last minute.  And while it’s tempting to just throw all three of these guys in the “shag” column and walk away, here’s how we’d divide ‘em up…

Supreme Court Justice David Souter is a wackadoodle. He’s eaten the same lunch everyday for 19 years—yogurt and an apple. He refuses to get a computer. And even though he was appointed by Republican George Bush, he usually sides with the liberally-minded folks on the bench. Now that Souter is retiring, we hope Obama will fill the seat with someone equally as interesting.

Rumor has it that Obama wants a woman for the job — which warms our hearts and our wombs, since there’s only one woman left on the court, and her health isn’t so great. At the top of Obama’s short list: solicitor general Elena Kagan, judge Sonia Sotomayer, and Jennifer Granholm, governor of Michigan. Each met privately with the President yesterday in Washington, DC. Who should the seat go to? We shun, shag, or marry this girl-power menagerie after the jump.

Zoinks! Turns out Sean Penn is joining Benicio del Toro and Jim Carrey in a re-imagining of “The Three Stooges.” Sounds ... somber and earnest, with a splash of irritating slapstick? Regardless, we love threesomes. Here’s which stooge we’d shun, shag or marry ...

This weekend, Prince Harry was seen snuggling with his ex, Chelsy Davy. Two months ago, Chels broke it off because she wanted to stop partying and start getting serious about her law career. Apparently he got her to take him back by wearing an Alice Cooper wig and taking her to a rave. Classy dude, that Hank. Does it run in the fam? Here’s who we’d shun, shag, and marry from the royal menagerie…