Tag Archives: sexpert

The Nookie Know-It-All: Getting In Sexual Shape

My husband and I have tried having wall sex and shower sex (facing each other, missionary-style, etc.) and I think they make it look much hotter in the movies. Either that or my quads are just weak – what exercises will improve the fun of sex standing up? — Unstable in Boston, MA

I don’t know about you ladies, but I’ve got one position I do (and do it well). I don’t call it missionary, I don’t call it wheelbarrow, I call it lay on my back while my boyfriend does all the work. Sure, I’ll put my legs behind my head sometimes; I’ll even gyrate a little. The point is, zero muscles are being used and I like it. But all good things must come to an end, or change, and we’ve got to switch it up sometimes. Shower sex, sex against the wall or doorway, and all other sex standing up does take training. Here’s a few of my favorite exercises for getting into “sex” shape:

  • Squats (with free weights): Hold the weights (I normally do 5 lbs) down by your thighs. With your feet shoulder-width apart and flat on the floor, squat down until your thighs are parallel to the floor. Return to a standing position. Repeat until you can’t take it anymore.
  • Jump Rope: Trainers say this is one of the best exercises for building calf muscles. If you jump for twenty minutes (doing whatever variations are fun for you) those suckers are gonna burn.
  • Spin class: People make fun of me for raving about my spin class, but it works. Yeah, you’re gonna be subjected to the latest Bee Gees remix and yeah, you feel like you might die 30 minutes in, but when I do it consistently, my legs look like they belong to a Ugandan runner.
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    The Nookie Know-It-All: A Puppy Problem

    Q: My dog constantly barks when I’m having sex. It’s so annoying and a bit of a turn-off and I don’t know what to do. If I put him in another room he barks even louder. My guy recommended we keep the puppy on the bed with us during the act but that kind of creeps me out. Is it weird that my guy is cool with that? — Sick Of The Yelping, New York, NY

    A: Blugh. I just shuddered at my desk. Puppies and sex? I can think of a ton of things that go better together. Vanilla and chocolate, peas and carrots, margaritas and tacos. Life is too short to mix gross things like puppies and sex. Now that you know I’m a prude who doesn’t think Lassie and fellatio go together, I feel confident telling you it’s a little weird your boyfriend wants to keep him on the bed. With that being said, I can also see how guys can be clueless. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s more of the “duh” factor with your man, as opposed to the “Holy crap, I’m dating a freak!” factor.

    You should talk to your boyfriend and tell him that it bothers you. Sit him down and compare the dog to your fictional child for a bit. Tell him the dog is part of the family and that allowing him to watch is the equivalent of a kid seeing his parents doing it — though definitely use the “f” word, because that will get the point across. Then you should immediately look into a trainer or get some books on how to stop your dog from barking. I’m no pet expert, but I think training the dog to not bark while you’re doing the deed is a better solution than letting him watch the action. Now, if the dog still wants to watch, go ahead and make the bitch pay for it. That kind of entertainment doesn’t come for free. Keep reading »

    Putting Out In Bed Same As Putting Out The Trash

    Or so says Dr. Pam Spurr, a sexpert who writes in the Times Online that feminism has made it so women are routinely depriving their partners of sex because “they just don’t feel like it.” Her solution to the problem of awkwardly unbalanced sexual desires in relationships is that both partners need to suck it up and treat sex as a duty that they need to perform whether they’re in the mood or not. We take some issue with this — obviously going without sex in a relationship is usually a sign of a larger problem, but her solution sucks. Nothing is less panty-wetting than having sex out of obligation, even if the person you love is getting off. Plus, routinely doing something you don’t want to tends to create, uh, anger at the person you’re performing said unwanted duty for. Additionally, Spurr seems to think that feminism makes women cold and unfeeling towards their partner’s desires — we suspect there’s a certain insensitivity to her needs at play too. So our big, bad, awesome solution? Freaking talk about it people! What’s distracting you from being interested in the nookie? Chances are the issues causing the disinterest are totally work-through-able, without throwing up your hands, spreading your legs, and pretending to moan for his benefit and not your own. Now that we’ve put out the trash… [Times Online] Keep reading »

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