We live in the sexiest time ever. For most of history, condoms were hollowed-out sheep guts, “getting lucky” meant not contracting a plague, and the more insane religions insisted that even masturbation was a sin (despite the fact that jerking off is the literal fucking definition of “enjoying yourself without bothering anyone else”). Any god against that is both a voyeur and a killjoy.
Thanks to the Internet, the average modern teenager has seen more nudity than an orgiastic Roman emperor with X-ray vision. We’ve realized that human genitals are like LEGO: lots of fun to put together, and if you get bored with all the possible combinations, you can buy extra bits to connect. But this ability to screw absolutely everything has spilled over into, well, absolutely everything. For example: The ’80s aren’t just nostalgia, they’re subconscious urges that have been stewing in hormones for 30 years.
Sex has leaked into science fiction. And just like science fiction warned us, the real madness begins when this stuff escapes into the real world. Read more…
New vibrators are always a cause for celebration, but these ones have me scratching my head instead of my fun button. Smile Makers has based their four new vibrators our four different dude identities. These anthropomorphic sex toys are (pictured above from left to right) the Fireman, the Millionaire, the Frenchman, and the Tennis Coach. Each one is shaped differently for your pleasure needs … but I can’t understand for the life of me why the Frenchman is shaped like an ice cream scoop. But good call on making me truthfully tell my friends I have a hot date with a millionaire tonight … [Fast Company]
We’ve had lots of boyfriends who we’ve had to remind to wash their hands before they put them anywhere near our vaginas. Don’t they know that dirty paws cause yeast and bacterial infections, or, on the off chance that he’s been chopping jalepenos, a fucking wildfire down there? These are the kinds of thing that people with penises don’t seem to understand. They think we’re molly coddling our coochies, being precious about our privates, but vadges really are temperamental.
Because of germs and jalepenos and general man hand dirtiness, we humbly request that the Invention Gods create a biometric hand sanitizer so boys could scan their hands and be germ/jalepeno/whatever-free within seconds. How much more fun would that make sex? A lot more, we think.
Click onward for some more sexventions that we think would revolutionize our sex lives.
As any blogger who writes about sex will tell you, we get a lot of “gifts.” When I say “gifts,” I actually mean sex toys to test out in the hopes we’ll write about them later. If you saw my “special” drawer next to my bed, you’d see that it’s full of a variety of dildos, vibrators, anal plugs, vegan lubes, flavored lubes, handcuffs, a bamboo paddle and even a pair of nipple clamps.
While some of these items still remain in their boxes (pun!) untouched, others have been opened and hugely appreciated by either myself or the person with whom I’m sharing my bed. At one time, I had so many vibrators (new and unopened), that I just kept them on my kitchen table and would let my friends take whatever they wanted. Seriously. What does one woman, with only two orifices need with all that stuff? (I say two, because I’ve never been one to put a vibrator in my mouth – just not my thing.) Keep reading »
Whether you’re a sugar daddy or a 14-year-old girl, you are probably pretty excited that Justin Bieber exists. But since chances are slim you’ll ever get to run your paws through his silky hair, you’ll have to be content with “Just-In Beaver,” the Justin Bieber sex doll. He’s got two “love holes” and an “inflatable cock.” Here’s hoping he’s washable, too. Just-In Beaver is on sale for the bargain price of $25.56, so get him while he lasts. (Seeing as he just turned 18, I don’t suspect he lasts very long.)
Great sex is all about spontaneity and that’s why, like any (naughty) Girl Scout, you should always be prepared! Sexytimes anytime just got all the more easier with JimmyJane’s Indulgences Pocket Pleasure Set. You get two condoms, a bullet vibrator, lubricant, and — get this! — a feather tickler, all packaged discreetly in a box small enough to fit inside your purse or goody drawer. The condoms are even special edition rubbers designed by the amazing fashion designer Mara Hoffman. So what are you waiting for, you little rascals? There’s a teeny-tiny feather tickler with your name on it. [$18, JimmyJane]