Breasts, boobs, tits, tatas, jugs, melons, knockers, rack — there are about as many nicknames as there are ways to show your appreciation for our golden globes. In the immortal words of Simple Minds: “Don’t you forget about me…” Seriously, fellas, you can go down on me for hours, but if you don’t touch my boobs, I won’t be satisfied. Unfortunately, every gal has got a story to tell about some boob hound who did her knockers wrong. So, let’s sit down for a little titty straight talk.
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There’s nothing worse than being on a date, one that’s not too exciting, and just wishing it could end in sex. It’s as though you’re counting down the minutes, maybe even weighing the social graces of when it’s actually OK to mention that it’s time to head out and get it on somewhere. It kinda makes you wonder why you just didn’t skip the whole date thing and get straight to the fucking, doesn’t it? Besides, it’s not like you’re looking for love at the moment anyway.
Far too many people waste their time on chatter and getting to know someone when in reality they just want to bang. Even my friends who use hookup apps often complain to me that although both parties are well aware that they’re there to have sex, there’s this awkward period of sort of dancing around the inevitable. But why? Why is it so hard for us to just drop our pants and get right in there? Is it that ingrained that forging some superficial connection is a necessary step before a physical connection can be even broached? If so, un-train your brain and go for the jugular, sexually speaking, of course. You’re there to get down, so just do it already. Keep reading »
Last week on Funny Girl Sex Guide, I discussed four different dick-sucking techniques you maybe haven’t heard of, but should consider giving a shot. And there’s more where that came from! In Part 2, I discuss (and occasionally demonstrate) five more ways to orally please a penis, including the Hot-N-Cold Blowjob, The Hummer and The Jackhammer. Warning: Unless you work at The Frisky, this is probably a bit NSFW.
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Remember how last week I said that I suck dick like it’s the last Talenti Salted Caramel Ice Cream Bar on Earth? It’s true. I just hate to live up to some ridiculous male fantasy of the woman who loves giving blowjobs … humble hair toss … but I am who I am. But while I genuinely enjoy giving head, I never assume that one technique pleases all. Oh yes, as Paul Simon might have put it, there are (approximately) 50 ways to please a penis — but here are just a few blow job techniques you may or may not have heard of (and should consider giving a shot)…
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I may not care about the results of the 2014 FIFA World Cup, but I do care about sex with hot soccer players. (Or, as they are called in most of the world, “football players.”) Fortunately, Quartz has researched a handy-dandy list of all the countries’ team sex policies for the 2014 games. The long and short of it (HA)? There are some pretty weird rules on pre-game boning. Spain and Germany, for instance, ban sex the night before a match. How this is enforced, I don’t know. Russian players aren’t allowed to bring wives or girlfriends, so presumably they are either employing the local sex trade or abstaining. And the French, being French, have all sorts of complicated rules about sex before games but mostly advise you get a good night’s sleep. [Quartz]
I’m a pretty open-minded chick and the last few months have involved quite a bit of open-legged-ness as well. This sort of slutty period in my life has been both fun and educational, not to mention reintroduced me to some sex acts that I’d never really given a fair shake before. In no particular order, here are five seriously underrated things to do in the sack that I suggest giving another shot.
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