Cosmo is well on its way to owning the “food/sex experimentation” beat. First, Anna Breslaw attempted to masturbate on the NYC subway while eating a gyro, and now Mark Shrayber tried to use pizza as a “sex toy.” (At least it happened in the privacy of his own home.) The phrase “pizza as a sex toy” is probably conjuring images of mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce stuck to a thatch of pubic hair. Let me explain in more detail how one uses pizza as a “sex toy.” Hint: it’s not so different from the man who used a Domino’s Pizza as a gloryhole and burnt his penis or the teen who recently posted a video of himself fucking a hot pocket. Pizza sex is en trende, peeps! Keep reading »
Have you ever noticed that most of your traditional efforts to catch a guy’s interest (high heels, red lipstick, and such) go unnoticed, but on the day you drag yourself to the drug store for cold medicine, in pajamas, with unwashed hair and a crusty nose, you have to swat potential suitors away with a stick? One thing’s for sure: we’ll never truly understand the things that turn guys on. We shouldn’t try tot make sense of their love of unkempt bikini lines and vagina sweat (although we are sensing a general cavewoman theme), we should just go with it. From burping to unwashed hair, here are some things that we never expected to turn guys on, but, for some reason, have totally gotten them all revved up. Go figure. Keep reading »
Martha Stewart, the original domestic diva, did an Ask Me Anything Q&A on Reddit today, fielding questions about homemaking, cleaning, etiquette, cooking and her personal life. As you might expect, the always gracious but opinionated Martha took a hard stance against such things as tattoos (“I would not EVER, EVER deface my body with tattoos”), online dating (“Old news”) and truffle oil (“It is ruinous of most recipes”), but evaded answering questions about her past, specifically her time in prison. She did, however, answer one fan’s request for sex advice. Keep reading »
Hooking up while traveling is the best! It’s basically a fact that being an out-of-towner has a certain appeal to local dudes who are terrified of any possibility of commitment. Basically, my rolling suitcase and obvious lack of knowledge about local traffic laws have proven to be massive turn-ons. In part two of this episode of Funny Girl Sex Guide – check out part one here – I reveal four more types of travel hookups that you’re likely to experience at some point in your life, with examples from my own.
“How do women decide to begin a sexual relationship? Pricing!”
The above video showed up in my Facebook feed the other night. It’s from a purported think tank, the Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture, which is actually a Christian think tank/advocacy group. The video claims to be a scientific look at the “Economics of Sex” based on the concept that men want sex for its own sake but women want sex for intimacy, security and, ultimately, marriage. Therefore sex is a “resource,” subject to supply and demand, which women control. “Men know that sex is cheap these days if they know where to look!” we are told. The video then implores women to dole out the supply of their resource to men (the “demand”) in exchange for other stuff. Essentially: ‘All sex is prostitution and women are prostitutes.’ Hello, Christian Right! Thought you were in there somewhere.
There’s so much in this video that makes me mad, I almost don’t know where to start: the fact that it’s a call to female solidarity drawn and directed entirely by men; the fact that they talk about women ‘policing women’s relationship interests’ when they mean slut shaming; the comparison of the birth control pill to chemical pesticides; the blazing heteronormativity. Smart women have already chimed in on this stuff, though, so I’ll focus on the completely bullshit notion that “men want sex more than women do.” I’m not saying this statement is untrue — I’m saying it’s utter nonsense to which no truth value can be assigned.
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According to the data collected from 10,000 users of the Spreadsheets sex app, which allows you to track various aspects of your sexual performance including thrusts per minute, duration and orgasmic decibel levels, the United States is not actually all that amazing at keeping the party going for much longer than your average commercial break. Congratulations (I guess) to the fine people of New Mexico who managed to pump for an average of 7 minutes and one second. And our condolences to the Alaskans, who came in dead last. Does it even count if you go for less than a minute and 30 seconds? I say no. See how your state ranks in sex duration, but prepare yourself to be mildly embarrassed. [Nerve]
Even the most rational men harbor irrational fantasies about what women do when they’re alone. We can blame porn for making them think we fondle each other’s boobs at slumber parties and high school urban legends for giving them the cockamamie idea that we’d let a dog eat JIF out of our vagina. Come on, now. Seriously? Guys, once and for all, we’d like to confirm that we have never and will never share our sex toys with each other, so you can just let that sweet lil’ image go. Here are some more things that we don’t do when you’re not there. We promise… Keep reading »
“In your marriage there will be times you’re going to be very exhausted. Your hubby comes home after a hard day’s work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking forward to that time with you … Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.”
– Michelle Duggar shared her number one, most important “romance” tip — to say yes to sex even when you’re tired –on “The Today Show”‘s website. In addition to having sex when you’re sleep deprived and don’t feel like it, the mom of 19 recommends abstaining from period sex because “when you’ve missed it for seven days, you look forward to it even more.” She also suggests denying yourself sex for 80 days after giving birth to a girl and 40 days after having a boy, in accordance with Old Testament traditions. Let me just write this all down so I don’t forget. Thanks, Michelle Duggar! [TODAY]
Valentine’s Day sex: you’re not doing it right if one of you doesn’t end up in in the hospital, or with a minor injury at the very least. Not that we want anyone dead, but according to every Lady Mag, any respectable V-Day session ends with a house-rattling orgasm and the battle scars to match. Regular, old oral sex and vanilla lovemaking in the missionary position just doesn’t cut it for sexiest holiday of the year. It doesn’t matter if that’s how you and your partner usually get off. That’s totally irrelevant. On Valentine’s Day, there must be lingerie, there must be vibrating sex toys, there must be gourmet chocolate in every body orifice, there must be experimentation with gravity-defying positions. Think of it as an opportunity to use your most extreme skills, like you are competing in the sexual olympics. This year, with a little help, you could take the gold. Here are some DO’s and DON’Ts for the wild, V-Day sex that Cosmo insists you should be having. Keep reading »
Sure, getting dressed and undressed is second nature to pretty much everyone. We do it multiple times every day, why would men in particular need some sort of tutorial? Because, my friends, I recently realized that while there is no explicitly wrong way to get dressed and undressed, there is a decisively sexier way, especially before and after you get down. So, gentleman, if you want to reach peak sex appeal the next time you take off your shirt or pull on your pants, follow these rules, presented in GIFs of course. (Gotta have somethin’ for the ladies to look at…) Keep reading »