Remember how last week I said that I suck dick like it’s the last Talenti Salted Caramel Ice Cream Bar on Earth? It’s true. I just hate to live up to some ridiculous male fantasy of the woman who loves giving blowjobs … humble hair toss … but I am who I am. But while I genuinely enjoy giving head, I never assume that one technique pleases all. Oh yes, as Paul Simon might have put it, there are (approximately) 50 ways to please a penis — but here are just a few blow job techniques you may or may not have heard of (and should consider giving a shot)…
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I may not care about the results of the 2014 FIFA World Cup, but I do care about sex with hot soccer players. (Or, as they are called in most of the world, “football players.”) Fortunately, Quartz has researched a handy-dandy list of all the countries’ team sex policies for the 2014 games. The long and short of it (HA)? There are some pretty weird rules on pre-game boning. Spain and Germany, for instance, ban sex the night before a match. How this is enforced, I don’t know. Russian players aren’t allowed to bring wives or girlfriends, so presumably they are either employing the local sex trade or abstaining. And the French, being French, have all sorts of complicated rules about sex before games but mostly advise you get a good night’s sleep. [Quartz]
I’m a pretty open-minded chick and the last few months have involved quite a bit of open-legged-ness as well. This sort of slutty period in my life has been both fun and educational, not to mention reintroduced me to some sex acts that I’d never really given a fair shake before. In no particular order, here are five seriously underrated things to do in the sack that I suggest giving another shot.
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Wouldn’t it be nice if we could ascertain whether someone will suck in the sack before, you know, having sex with them? That’s where I come in! Hindsight is 20/20, which means I can look back on some of the bad sex I’ve had and recognize that there were glaring warning signs well before the clothes came off. These are not hard and fast rules, of course, but more often than not, these seven things are glaring red flags that the dude you’re considering humping is going to be a total dud.
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I love dirty talk. I LOVE IT. All of it, even bad dirty talk because bad dirty talk, while awkward in the moment, is funny as hell later. And good dirty talk — whatever you consider that to mean — can make a world of difference when it comes to getting down. Discovering if and how a new partner talks dirty is probably one of my favorite things about hooking up. Sometimes, it’s nothing I haven’t heard before — your standard ‘Ooh baby, you like that?’ — but there have been a number of dirty talking types who have been particularly memorable. In this episode of Funny Girl Sex Guide, I’ll introduce you to just some of the dirty talkin’ types you might encounter during your sexual adventures. Time to talk dirty, you sexy motherfuckers.
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Disclaimer: I’m no prude. Anyone who knows me will spit out a thousand creative insults about me before landing on “prude,” and even then they’re just probably misspelling something more interesting. Yet sometimes when I sit in front of the fire in my smoking jacket, idly sipping Scotch and browsing through the latest issue of Sexy Sex Sexology on Sexual Sexiness, it occurs to me that we, as a society, are totally over thinking boning. Need proof? These five terrifying sex toys on Cracked.com will set the record straight…