If there are a million ways to do something wrong, there should be at least a few ways to do a thing right. In this series, Janet and Emily tackle your questions from two different perspectives. The result, we hope, is two right answers.
Janet is a stone-cold rationalist, baker, and monotreme from Australia. Her boobs played the field briefly before marrying themselves off to a skier-dude. Emily is from the Midwest, and is a single, straight, agnostic, whiskey-drinking softball player who’d love to use her Pinterest wedding board before all the pics go out of style. Both Janet and Emily are writers and comedians in New York.
I live with my Mom and Dad (still), so every time my boyfriend and I have sex we do it at my boyfriend’s house. Well, he lives with roommates and always seems to initiate sex when there are other people around. The walls are thin, so he is trying to be discreet, but it has become really obvious when we are having sex because he plays music loudly to drown out any noise. On the one hand, I like music to get in the mood. But it’s also weird to me that people will hear it and know it’s the “special” music — like will they associate Chris Isaac with nookie because it broadcast the fact we were getting busy in the next room? I am not embarrassed about sex, but I would like a little more discretion for everyone involved. – Not Looking For An Audience Keep reading »
Perfectly good sex can be ruined by really bad manners. There is an unwritten code of sex conduct, follow it, and your partner will likely be a repeat customer, break it, and you may screw the likelihood of boning again. In this episode of Funny Girl Sex Guide, I’ll review just a few examples of bad manners in the bedroom that could get you kicked to the curb.
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As much as we love sex, and are usually down to have it pretty much whenever, there are times when intercourse simply isn’t on the menu, for many reasons ranging from menstrual cramps to cold weather. But don’t ever think you need not forgo intimacy just because sex isn’t happening! Cracking each other’s toes can be incredibly intimate, not to mention satisfying as hell. Here are some other pleasurable ways to bond as a couple without putting P in V. Keep reading »
What with the recession, welfare cuts and increasing financial inequality it can be difficult to know how to make ends meet. I’ve got some advice for you which might seem controversial: empower yourself through porn.
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At this point, you’ve probably seen the footage and Instagram pics of the really drunk couple who were caught fucking up against Dunkin’ Donuts dumpster in a shopping center near the University of Delaware campus. The height of romance! As if the now infamous couple weren’t publicly shamed enough for their poor choice of sex location on St. Patty’s Day, authorities are looking for them because, well, having sex against a dumpster in broad daylight is considered a “lewd act.”
We’re all for having an adventurous sex life and we understand first hand how easy it is to err in judgement while highly intoxicated, and YET, dumpster sex, no matter how horny or wasted is just wrong. For future reference, here are some other places too disgusting to do it. Keep reading »
There’s no easier way to make the person you’re bedding feel awesome like a well-timed, sincere, creative, thoughtful compliment. Guys and gals, WE DO NOT DO THIS ENOUGH. Not only does complimenting someone in the sack make them feel good, but it can also communicate specifics about your desires, break down barriers and open a dialogue for future freakiness. In this episode of Funny Girl Sex Guide, I review just some of compliments you should consider giving during future fuck sessions.
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Show us a man who doesn’t want more blowjobs, and we will show you…a man we’ve never met. Guys, we are picking up all the hints (even the ones you think are super subtle). We know that if it were realistic, you would like us to blow you all day and night (well, for 4 hours and 19 minutes to be exact), and trust us, we’re probably obliging as often as we can. But if you find yourself chronically blowjob-less and aren’t sure why, well, we must be blunt: the problem’s not us, it’s you. There are many ways that guys sabotage their chances for a little oral action, many of which are easily fixable. Here are a few of them… Keep reading »
In my two-part travel sex episode of Funny Girl Sex Guide, I rather cynically declared that the entire male population of New York City is unfuckable. That, I am willing to admit, was a bit of an exaggeration. Or at least I hope that it is, because I’ve decided that it’s impractical and silly to rely on my relatively infrequent travel schedule as the only opportunity I take to get laid. Therefore, I’m in the market for a fuck buddy, aka someone to sex on the regular without commitment. While I keep my eye peeled for possible candidates, I’m reminding myself, and now you, of six very important rules for having a successful friends with benefits relationship. Watch above!
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Cosmo is well on its way to owning the “food/sex experimentation” beat. First, Anna Breslaw attempted to masturbate on the NYC subway while eating a gyro, and now Mark Shrayber tried to use pizza as a “sex toy.” (At least it happened in the privacy of his own home.) The phrase “pizza as a sex toy” is probably conjuring images of mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce stuck to a thatch of pubic hair. Let me explain in more detail how one uses pizza as a “sex toy.” Hint: it’s not so different from the man who used a Domino’s Pizza as a gloryhole and burnt his penis or the teen who recently posted a video of himself fucking a hot pocket. Pizza sex is en trende, peeps! Keep reading »
Have you ever noticed that most of your traditional efforts to catch a guy’s interest (high heels, red lipstick, and such) go unnoticed, but on the day you drag yourself to the drug store for cold medicine, in pajamas, with unwashed hair and a crusty nose, you have to swat potential suitors away with a stick? One thing’s for sure: we’ll never truly understand the things that turn guys on. We shouldn’t try tot make sense of their love of unkempt bikini lines and vagina sweat (although we are sensing a general cavewoman theme), we should just go with it. From burping to unwashed hair, here are some things that we never expected to turn guys on, but, for some reason, have totally gotten them all revved up. Go figure. Keep reading »