Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. We gather you knew this based on the high volume of Zales commercials. So, here’s the deal. The internet is gonna try to convince you that you will have the most mind-blowing sex of your life of February 14th. It will sell you the dream. It will encourage you to purchase special sex paraphernalia just for the occasion. You don’t need it! Let’s be realistic here. You’ll probably be too tired to fuck after that 16 course meal or passed out by 10 p.m., crashing from a chocolate high. Be forewarned. Here are some sexy products you shouldn’t waste your money on this V-Day.
We all know from Cupid and Hallmark and Victoria’s Secret that Valentine’s Day is supposed to be the sexiest, sultriest, panty-droppingest day in existence.
We also know that’s not actually going to happen.
But you can try, can’t you? Your partner probably isn’t going to turn into Christian/Christina Grey for the night. But that doesn’t mean you can’t introduce a sex toy or three to spice things up. Here’s nine toys we think you might enjoy for a little something-something extra this Valentine’s Day. Let us know how it goes … if you’re willing to kiss and tell.
Really, the best thing about Reddit’s “I Was A Dildo Engineer” Ask Me Anything were the comment threads. Sure, it was interesting to learn that dildo engineers are highly educated, well-paid and ethical. It makes you feel confident about what you’re putting in your vagina. Even if the people designing your sex toys are all men. That was an interesting tidbit: that everyone on the dildo engineer’s team was a dude. Also, it was helpful to find out that if you take the middle battery out of bullet, it lasts longer. But the comedy. OH, THE COMEDY. After the jump, the funniest threads. Keep reading »
We live in the sexiest time ever. For most of history, condoms were hollowed-out sheep guts, “getting lucky” meant not contracting a plague, and the more insane religions insisted that even masturbation was a sin (despite the fact that jerking off is the literal fucking definition of “enjoying yourself without bothering anyone else”). Any god against that is both a voyeur and a killjoy.
Thanks to the Internet, the average modern teenager has seen more nudity than an orgiastic Roman emperor with X-ray vision. We’ve realized that human genitals are like LEGO: lots of fun to put together, and if you get bored with all the possible combinations, you can buy extra bits to connect. But this ability to screw absolutely everything has spilled over into, well, absolutely everything. For example: The ’80s aren’t just nostalgia, they’re subconscious urges that have been stewing in hormones for 30 years.
Sex has leaked into science fiction. And just like science fiction warned us, the real madness begins when this stuff escapes into the real world. Read more…
New vibrators are always a cause for celebration, but these ones have me scratching my head instead of my fun button. Smile Makers has based their four new vibrators our four different dude identities. These anthropomorphic sex toys are (pictured above from left to right) the Fireman, the Millionaire, the Frenchman, and the Tennis Coach. Each one is shaped differently for your pleasure needs … but I can’t understand for the life of me why the Frenchman is shaped like an ice cream scoop. But good call on making me truthfully tell my friends I have a hot date with a millionaire tonight … [Fast Company]
We’ve had lots of boyfriends who we’ve had to remind to wash their hands before they put them anywhere near our vaginas. Don’t they know that dirty paws cause yeast and bacterial infections, or, on the off chance that he’s been chopping jalepenos, a fucking wildfire down there? These are the kinds of thing that people with penises don’t seem to understand. They think we’re molly coddling our coochies, being precious about our privates, but vadges really are temperamental.
Because of germs and jalepenos and general man hand dirtiness, we humbly request that the Invention Gods create a biometric hand sanitizer so boys could scan their hands and be germ/jalepeno/whatever-free within seconds. How much more fun would that make sex? A lot more, we think.
Click onward for some more sexventions that we think would revolutionize our sex lives.
As any blogger who writes about sex will tell you, we get a lot of “gifts.” When I say “gifts,” I actually mean sex toys to test out in the hopes we’ll write about them later. If you saw my “special” drawer next to my bed, you’d see that it’s full of a variety of dildos, vibrators, anal plugs, vegan lubes, flavored lubes, handcuffs, a bamboo paddle and even a pair of nipple clamps.
While some of these items still remain in their boxes (pun!) untouched, others have been opened and hugely appreciated by either myself or the person with whom I’m sharing my bed. At one time, I had so many vibrators (new and unopened), that I just kept them on my kitchen table and would let my friends take whatever they wanted. Seriously. What does one woman, with only two orifices need with all that stuff? (I say two, because I’ve never been one to put a vibrator in my mouth – just not my thing.) Keep reading »
Whether you’re a sugar daddy or a 14-year-old girl, you are probably pretty excited that Justin Bieber exists. But since chances are slim you’ll ever get to run your paws through his silky hair, you’ll have to be content with “Just-In Beaver,” the Justin Bieber sex doll. He’s got two “love holes” and an “inflatable cock.” Here’s hoping he’s washable, too. Just-In Beaver is on sale for the bargain price of $25.56, so get him while he lasts. (Seeing as he just turned 18, I don’t suspect he lasts very long.)
Great sex is all about spontaneity and that’s why, like any (naughty) Girl Scout, you should always be prepared! Sexytimes anytime just got all the more easier with JimmyJane’s Indulgences Pocket Pleasure Set. You get two condoms, a bullet vibrator, lubricant, and — get this! — a feather tickler, all packaged discreetly in a box small enough to fit inside your purse or goody drawer. The condoms are even special edition rubbers designed by the amazing fashion designer Mara Hoffman. So what are you waiting for, you little rascals? There’s a teeny-tiny feather tickler with your name on it. [$18, JimmyJane]
Tragedy struck Manhattan yesterday when city officials shut down a vibrator giveaway sponsored by Trojan. The condom company planned to give out 10,000 of their new vibes from pushcarts at three tourist-heavy locations: Rockefeller Center, South Street Seaport, and the Flatiron District, which is near The Frisky’s offices. New Yorkers congregated f0r free $40 Trojan Tri-Phoria vibes (two thumbs up, says I!) or a free $30 Trojan Pulse. Yet less than an hour into the event, an unnamed city official pooh-poohed the crowds and told Trojan’s Pleasure Carts to pack up and go home.
Horny area woman Linda Postell was irate about the shutdown, huffing to The New York Post, “I’m 57-years-old. I should be able to get a vibrator! I have a problem with the smoking ban and the soda ban — and now this!” Keep reading »