Men look at sex the way dogs look at bacon: The object is to get as much as possible in any form or by any means before our inevitable deaths.

Some of the more inventive people in our society have come up with a variety of sex acts intended to improve the pleasure of sex. But messing around with sex is like trying to improve the taste of bacon; you can try, but, ultimately, bacon is just good. Some sex simply sounds much better on paper than it turns out to be, often leaving guys wishing they’d just gone with some basic intercourse instead.

Here’s a look at a few sex acts that guys are convinced would be awesome, but in real life turn out to be pretty disappointing.

We told you how to have sex in public, but we didn’t tell you exactly where to go at it. Who can keep track of all the options out in the world? Apparently, Outdoor Lovemap can. If you’re looking for the ideal location to make love alfresco, this interactive map will help you find a spot that has been suggested by people who know from personal experience. How else would you have known about Alaska’s Matanuska Glacier—by asking the locals? So far, Outdoor Lovemap encompasses 20 countries, but perhaps you have a few places you’d like to add to the list. [via Flavorwire]

I double-checked my bag: Wallet, bus pass, lip gloss. A bottle of cheap wine. A variety pack of condoms. My favorite vibrator and a pair of handcuffs. 

My husband and I were attending our very first sex party and — by god — I wanted us to be prepared. 

I wasn’t sure what to expect that evening. My libido levels had been low as of late, and intimacy with my husband was suffering. As someone who often relied upon a vibrator, was I really planning on possibly masturbating in public? Were Michael and I actually going to pull out that set of never-before-used handcuffs in a public setting? Was I going to allow myself to actually feel something?

Everybody’s talking about British psychoanalyst Brett Kahr’s meaty new tome, Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head?, based on the largest study of sexual fantasies ever undertaken. Not surprisingly, sex in public ranks high up there. This very important research prompted me to take an oh-so-romantic walk down memory lane to reflect on what were the worst, and best outside of the bedroom sex experiences my slutty self (and “friends”) have indulged in. Some were hot, and a few may illustrate why the best sex is sometimes confined to the sack.

If you’re going to have sex in a public restroom, is it better to use the women’s or the men’s?—Lovin’ In The Loo, San Jose, CA

If you’re at a Minneapolis airport and happen to be a Senator, I highly recommend using neither. But if you aren’t, I think you should ask yourself this simple question: Who’s cleaner? Guys or girls? I think we all know the answer to that one. Guys seem to think a bathroom is a place where you can pee freely on the seat and take a massive dump without even lighting a match. If the thought of that makes you want to drop your britches, than have at it. If not, I suggest you use the women’s.

“My boyfriend and I feel the need to have sex at most apartment/house parties that we go to. Is this weird? And what are some of the best ways to pull it off without getting caught?”—Party Crashing, Dallas, TX

This is kind of like my need to do a number two at people’s parties. It’s a christening of sorts. Or, simply a marking of territory. But even though I’m the resident “sexpert”, I can honestly tell you I’ve never had sex with a guy at a party. With that said, I don’t think you’re weird. I actually want to know what kind of parties you’re going to where you can find space to have sex. I live in NYC, so the parties I’m invited to usually involve a studio apartment and an oven in the closet. The closest I ever got to “doing it” was changing a tampon in the bathroom.

My advice? The larger the party the better. The larger the house the better. If you want to be discreet, go into an unoccupied room and lock the door. Worse case somebody knocks on the door and then you stop. I think if you’re having sex at parties in the first place, a part of you wants to get caught. That’s why I poop with the door open.