“Tell me what you want to do to me,” I cooed in Brandon’s* ear. It was our first time in bed together and I was hoping he would pass my “dirty talk test.” The test is simple. I ask the man what he wants to do to me and he responds with his own special brand of dirty talk. Easy, right? Not always so simple.

It’s easier to get the little head than the big head in the game. But the problem is, I only want to have sex with a man when both heads are present. I want him to understand that my pleasure takes place first in my mind and then in my body. And if he can’t stimulate my mind, he has a very slim chance of stimulating anything on my body. Sure he can fumble his way around and accidentally push a button, but why bother? I know some people don’t like to talk; they just like to “do.” But for me it’s not enough.

In a Mail Online article, writer Denise Robertson questions whether having a pill women could swallow to put them in the mood for sex would be a good thing, or whether it would actually be harmful to relationships:

"Libido-boosting drugs like Viagra wrongly used divorces sex from love -- they have the potential to reduce love-making to nothing more than a cold, physical act. After all, if you can pop a pill, you can dispense with the need for the affection, friendship and comfort that make up a truly fulfilling love-life. If you want the best sex, foreplay is a 12-hour commitment -- you need to spend all day every day cherishing the object of your desire so that they feel important -- and feel desire in return.'

She also argues that women who can't get turned on often have psychological issues they should deal with, and masking the symptoms of their problems doesn't treat the cause. Do you think a "female Viagra" would help relationships, or would it turn lovemaking into nothing more than a physical activity?

This week I decided to tap some real personal assets: my guy friends. Whenever I need sex advice, I turn to them! This time, I wanted to find out what I may or may not be doing wrong in bed. Hey, they know being friends with a sexy lady like me means they’ll eventually have to divulge the dirty deets on how they like to get down, or in this case, how they don’t. Here’s what these stallions told me they hate during nakey time—uncensored.

Getting vocal during sex isn’t a crime—unless you live in England and the noises you make are so loud and disturbing, it “constitutes a statutory nuisance.”

This week I got a letter from a lady whose man has been stickin’ it to her, even if he doesn’t know how hard he’s been working:

My boyfriend and I just moved in together and we’ve been doing it all the time, including a couple nights ago when he woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex. He started going for it, not me. But the next morning, he didn’t seem to know we had sex. He swears he doesn’t remember it AT ALL. Come on! Is he joking? At first I was like, What does it matter? But really, I’m kinda freaked out. How could he have sex with me and not remember? We did go out drinking with some friends that night, but we didn’t get wasted. I’ve seen him a lot drunker than that! Is he playing a joke on me? I don’t get it. I can’t stop trying to figure out why he’d lie to me. Is it really possible we had sex and he had no idea?

“Three’s Company”‘s Suzanne Somers didn’t just fill out a pair of bell bottoms, she also filled a book with her sexy love poems. The blonde bombshell penned some real American classics by putting her own sex life into prose. But shockingly enough, much like her acting, Suzanne’s literary talent has gone unnoticed for decades. Well, that is until “Saturday Night Live”‘s Kristen Wiig resurrected this tome of bootylicious poetry for the New York Comedy Festival’s Celeb Autobiography reading last night.  And the “Touch Me” chapter was chock full of horny ‘70s life lesson gems like:

“Sometimes I wonder if there’s enough love to go around with all the pain and longing. But one thing is for sure: If anyone has any extra love, even a heartbeat, or a touch or two, I wish they wouldn’t waste it on dogs.”

Deep! Although, we bet the crazy dog massage lady would argue with that! [WOW Report]

On the most recent webisode of NonSociety’s “TMI Weekly”—that’s the internet TV show from ego blogger/“dating expert” Julia Allison and her posse—things got a little weepy. The gals—Julia, Mary, and Meghan—were discussing crying during/after sex and how doing so is “all good, but never fun to deal with.” Julia, who says she’s cried after sex with every guy she’s been in love with at least once, thinks shedding post-coital tears is a good thing because it “signifies an intensity of emotion that you just don’t normally experience” and usually occurs during “the best sex ever.” Meghan disagrees, saying that it could actually signify that the sex was really, really bad. Mary says she’s only cried once during a hookup and that was when a guy she was dating went down on her and finally made her come. I’ll spare you the torture of posting the full episode here, but I cannot resist the topic itself. Crying after sex, really? That’s normal?

In “How Not to Make Love Like a Porn Star,” Salon’s Mary Elizabeth Williams sort of suggests that watching too much porn makes you bad in bed. Supposedly, the increasingly widespread availability of adult movies has turned men into a squad of jack-hammering hump machines: “porn has changed men too—what we expect of them, what they demand of themselves.” According to Williams, the modern man has learned from porn that sex is a performance, one featuring freaky sex tricks and little emotional connection. Of course, men are not alone in this indictment. Williams suggests today’s women are behaving like wannabe porn starlets in the sack, too. We’re all porn stars now! Thankfully, Williams is here to remind: “Life’s not like the movies.” Really? Gee, thanks! Maybe the problem isn’t porn, but critics who believe consumers can’t distinguish between fantasy and reality. It’s not the porn. It’s how you see it. [Salon]

The moment has finally come. After getting your required amount of gallantry and booze, you’re going home with the new guy. But what will his place look like? We all spend the most at-home time in the bedroom, especially on that sexy sorta night. So, just like his underwear style, his sheet set can be really telling. Is your man a full-fledged flannel softie, an Egyptian cotton king, or perhaps even a bold bed-in-a-bag kind of guy? Find out how he’s exposing himself, before you even take off his pants.

Oral sex, we all love to receive it. But some peeps have a harder time giving:

I have what I feel is an embarrassing situation. I am in a long term, steady relationship with my boyfriend, and, in general, things are great. There is only one little problem in our sex life ... he goes down on me, he loves it, I love it, and life is great, but I cannot seem to do the same for him. I am so embarrassed and I don’t know what to do! I gag or feel nauseous every time I try. He says it’s not a big deal, but I know it’s something he wants and something I want to be able to give him. Is there any way for me to get over what seems like a weird, childish type of response?  If not, will he hold it against me, or do you think he means it when he says it’s not a big deal?

 

There are few human interactions that are as ripe for embarrassment as sex. Think about it—all those juices flowing, body spasms, and orifices opening. If it weren’t for the sheer ecstasy of an orgasm and the fact that we have to continue our species, we probably wouldn’t bother.

Always doin' it in your bedroom can get boring and, thus, take a toll on your sex life. To increase your pleasure, think of the one place in your home you thought could never be comfortable or stimulating for a steamy sex session and figure out how you can work it.

We all have hot buttons that love to get pushed. Like watching a good movie your new beau picked out, a new sexual partner has the potential to show you something that you love, that you never would have found on your own. Of course, we all agree, getting naked heats things up, but there’s more to sex than bodies. Your brain is your biggest erogenous zone, and there are plenty of folks with creative minds who take their sexy time to places of desire where other people would never dare to go. So, without further adieu, to inspire you, here are seven surprising fetishes you probably haven’t already come up with on your own ... or have you?

Just like women, men can woo with their extra skills. Dudes can do things that’ll make any woman weak in the knees, even out of the bedroom. So gents, if you want our attention, here are some ways you can make your spare time sexy.

I’ve recently started dating a super smart, weird, quirky, cute, funny and beautiful girl. I never like anyone, but I like her. There’s one minor (hairy) issue. She doesn’t keep things very trimmed down there. Now, before you get angry, let me preface this by saying that I really don’t need a Brazilian on my girl (or even anything really from the South American continent, for that matter)—just a nice landing strip. Is that too much to ask for? Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, so I do keep my things regularly trimmed. We’ve only been dating for a month or so, but we’ve spent a lot of time together (it’s a long distance thing, so we’ve basically spent the past few weekends totally together = relationship time warp), so I feel as if this isn’t jumping the gun or anything to think about long term personal grooming habits. am I being a superficial douche? Isn’t it fair to ask for some quid pro quo trimming? I think yes. If you agree, my ultimate question is: how do I broach the trimming subject with my long distance girl? What strategies do you have? — Hair Hater

“I’ve never even kissed a woman,” Adam said. One of my best friends on the planet, Adam was unequivocally gay—the kind of caricature personality who lisped, wore pink, plucked his eyebrows, flicked his wrists, and decorated his apartment in rainbows. He was my first call when a guy I was dating was being a jerk, the one who was always up for an impromptu shopping mission or who’d dance with me until the wee hours of the night at an ‘80s club. Technically, he was everything I’d want in a boyfriend: smart, funny, kind and gorgeous—too gorgeous to be straight, as the saying goes. But since he was gay, I barely noticed.

But as he said those words, our faces were inches apart and we were locked in that trance-like pull of an inevitable kiss. We were at a party, dancing to New Order. And soon our lips locked and we were full-on making out. As I felt his hands squeeze my butt, I backed up and stared at him. “You’re an amazing kisser,” he said, with a wink.

Next thing I knew, we were back at my place.

Our boys at Asylum have created the handy “10 Things You Should Never Tweet After Sex” guide. Their post-coital Twitter no-nos include “LOL, looks like the condom slipped off, hope she didn’t notice,” “Not as good as her mom, but not bad,” and “It’s confirmed, I’m definitely gay.” Here are 10 tweets the ladies should avoid after doing the horizontal mambo.

We’re not going to lie. Women are a fickle sort. When it comes to sex, some women like this, some women like that, and some women don’t know what the hell they want. One thing we are sure of, though, is if you’re bad in bed—at least, in our opinion. Maybe it’s us. Maybe it’s you. But if the sparks aren’t flying when we’re banging uglies, it could be because we think you don’t have what it takes in the bedroom. What’s up with that? Find out the top five reasons we think you don’t cut it, after the jump.

On my recent vacay, I learned a valuable new skill that makes me pity any man that had sex with me before. Why? Because, after many failed grade-school sleepover party attempts, I can now, finally, hula hoop. And since I have mastered the fine art of keeping it up, er, the hoop I mean, with my new and improved hip swivel, I know my next boyfriend is going to be an extra lucky man. But as the weather gets too cold to use hula hooping in a bikini as a stud magnet, we girls have to get creative. Despite the chill, here’s how you can warm things up in your love life with hobbies that’ll show dudes you knock boots better than anyone else.