Tag Archives: semen

Meet China’s Hands-Free Sperm Extractor Machine (For The Times When A Regular Handjob Won’t Do)

sperm extractor
Look, Ma, No Hands!

File this one under “Things I Had To Check Weren’t A Clickhole Post First”: hospitals in China have machines to extract sperm. The hands-free gizmos are used by urology departments to manually pump out semen through a “massage pipe” when extracting it the, ummm, normal way doesn’t work anymore. Apparently it is used for sperm donation? I dunno, the sperm extractor looks unappealingly antiseptic and clinical to me (video is SFW), although I guess it’s not much different than a Fleshlight. Pity the poor urological nurse in charge of clean up! [IFL Science]

Infographic: The Cum Rag Hierarchy

Infographic: The Cum Rag Hierarchy

A few months ago, I made a 100-point boyfriend checklist, and while some of the desired qualities listed were a little tongue in cheek, I was dead serious about wanting to find a man who would wipe his cum off me with a warm, wet washcloth. See, after years and years of being cleaned up by men clutching wads of cheap toilet paper, worn-out, dry washcloths, or, god forbid, MY OWN SILK SHIRT, the man for me will have the sense to wonder, Hmm, what would be the most pleasant manner of wiping away my splooge from the skin of the gorgeous woman I just made love to? Because any guy who did would not — would not – reach for the dirty sock on their floor. It’s up to you, fellas, what kind of guy you want to be, but for reference’s sake, here is the hierarchy of cum rags, in infographic form, according to me. You are so welcome. 

James Franco’s Latest Work Involves Batman, Semen (NSFW)

James Franco

On the subject of James Franco, I have learned not to ask questions. For clarification: how many questions? None. Zero questions. Just go along with it. The provocative Mind of Franco has developed a new “work” (??) called “50 Shades of Batman and Robin,” which presumably involves elements of both the “50 Shades” series and its S&M connotations and the beloved DC Comics superheroes Batman & Robin. The artist introduced his latest release on Facebook today in the form of two images. The first, depicting a shirtless man (likely Franco himself) and his nipples in a Batman costume and bondage restraints, is fairly tame by Franco standards. But the second photo … well, it’s a lot. Or a load, rather. Keep reading »

Man Accused Of Throwing Semen At Woman Because She Was “Hot”

Semen Squirt Gun
You've hit rock bottom when a semen-filled squirt gun is your weapon. Read More »
Semen In Yogurt
Did this woman's yogurt test positive for semen? Find out! Read More »

In what was potentially an all time low for Walmart shoppers, one man decided that the best way to tell a woman that she was attractive was to throw bodily fluids at her. A Delaware police report obtained by The Smoking Gun states that Frank J. Short first walked past the victim and said, “Excuse me.” The 20-year-old victim “suddenly felt something wet on her buttocks, thigh, and leg.” At first she figured he had sneezed or coughed on her, but she soon found a “gooey glob” of something below her knee. This is what led her to believe that the fluid may have been semen. Ewww, please, no. Keep reading »

Lady Gaga May Have Returned Borrowed Dress With A Semen Stain On It

Semen's Health Benefits
10 surprising health benefits of sperm. Read More »
Semen Squirt Gun
You've hit rock bottom when a semen-filled squirt gun is your weapon. Read More »
Sperm Vials Confiscated
genitals
Art school confiscated 68 vials of student's sperm. Read More »
Save The Sperm!
One politician wants to save men's sperm from being destroyed. Read More »
  • A PR flack blabbed to Page Six that Lady Gaga once allegedly returned a borrowed Thierry Mugler dress from a video shoot with a substance on it that looked like … man juice. I don’t want to know the specific details. Or why the dry-cleaning bill added up to $500. [New York Post]
  • Beyoncé’s tour rider supposedly specifies she only uses red toilet paper. Where do you even find red toilet paper? [Perez Hilton]
  • Leonardo DiCaprio is pulling a Ryan Gosling and taking a break from acting. [US Weekly]
  • Rebel Wilson tricked people at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner into thinking she’s an Australian princess. That’s our girl! [Crushable]
  • Whoa, the lyrics to Carrie Underwood’s song “Blown Away” — about a girl who doesn’t wake up her father during a tornado siren, so he dies — are pretty dark. [PopDust] Keep reading »

You’ve Hit Rock Bottom When A Semen-Filled Squirt Gun Is Your Weapon Of Choice

Tainted Yogurt
yogurt photo
Woman claims yogurt sample "tasted like body fluids." Read More »
Semen 101
semen photo
Everything you need to know about man's precious nectar. Read More »

Twenty-one-year old Eric Michael Miller of Bellingham, WA has been sentenced to 18 months in prison for burglarizing a home and shooting one of its habitant with a semen-filled squirt gun.

Natch, this sperm shooting was all for drug money. There are always drugs involved. According to court records, Miller and two unidentified men broke into the home looking  for a man who owed him money, but found the man’s roommate instead, asleep on the couch. The unlucky bastard.

Miller and his sidekicks held the man at knifepoint, beat him with a real gun, at which point Miller whipped out his semen gun and squirted the man in the face, saying, “Now you’re like the rest of my bleep, covered in semen.”

Okay, I must stop writing now because I’m feeling sicksies. [GeekOSystem]

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