I have gone on record as a person who, with a few exceptions (teeny tiny sparrows that stay at least five feet away from me), hates birds. I mean, I recognize they’re importance to the overall eco system, so it’s not like I want them all to die, though I am certainly happy to eat them. I just happen to personally feel that birds are flying dinosaurs who’ve been around since forever, and their tiny, beady, evil eyes are time capsules reflecting millions of years of terrifying Earthly destruction. And owls? Owls are the old creepy pervert of birds/flying dinosaurs. JUST LISTEN TO THEM LAUGH. I will be NOPING for days. [Refinery 29]
A couple years ago my brother showed me a picture of an Asian giant hornet, and I thought he had Photoshopped it for the sole purpose of ruining my life, because if I was in one of those horror movies where a psychotic sadist made all my biggest fears come true, the grand finale would just be putting me in a room with a really big bee. So I was horrified this morning when I came across a story about a Japanese vodka that’s made out of fermented giant hornets. Seriously: you drown a bunch of hornets in vodka and let the resulting stew ferment for three years. That’s the recipe. Apparently the drink smells like rotting flesh and has a “salty aftertaste that comes from the wasp’s poison.” I need a drink–made with non-hornet vodka–to recover from this story. [Oddity Central]
Lately, my mom has been getting her kicks by emailing me photos of animals she thinks I’ll find terrifying and asking me if I like them. Very funny. See, she knows all about my fear of birds, and I’m pretty sure she thought my slideshow on the scariest-looking animals on earth was the funniest thing I’ve ever written. Clearly, she’s pushing me to do a followup by emailing me photos of weird looking beasts. Like this fluffy guy above. It’s hard for me to imagine a more upsetting animal — feathers, beady little eyes, the misleading vibe that it’s full of peace and tranquility — but luckily, it is imaginary. It was dreamt up by a pair of artists, thank god.
So, nice try with this one, Mom. This freak of nature may not make the cut, but these 13 other members of the Animal Kingdom do scare the shit out of me…
My friends, family and coworkers always make fun of me for my terrifying fear of birds. Just watch this video of a fucking eagle swooping in and attempting to snatch a toddler and then try and tell me that these flying dinosaurs aren’t full of pure evil.