Well, this is really sad, you guys. Dustin Diamond, the twerp who played dorky Screech on “Saved By The Bell,” appeared on Fox News yesterday to promote his book, Behind The Bell, a tell-all about the dirt behind the scenes of the ‘90s teen sitcom. I don’t know whether to feel more disturbed by his geometric facial hair, his strange Dr. Evil laugh, or his obvious bitterness over his former castmates’ (Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Mario Lopez) relative success. You may remember several years ago when Diamond faced foreclosure on his home in Port Washington, WI, a suburb of Milwaukee, and sold t-shirts for $15 with “I paid 15 dollars to help Screeech [sic] save his house” emblazoned on the front. He explained he had to include an extra “e” in Screeech because of copyright laws. Later it came out that his house was never at risk for foreclosure and the whole thing had been a publicity stunt! This wasn’t quite as bad as the publicity stunt he pulled later that year when a sex tape — probably leaked by him — showing him ejaculating on an apple pie hit the internet. The guy’s such a hot desperate mess, the juiciest “dirt” in his tell-all seems to be that cast members allegedly took steroids while doing the show. “You can see about 25 pounds of growth,” Diamond screeches, referring to Gosselaar, who happened to star on the series and its spin-off between the ages of 15-21 when guys tend to, you know, grow a lot. Dudes, I think I smell a bestseller.  [via BuzzFeed and Wikipedia]

“Saved By The Bell” fans: Prepare to have your minds blown. Adding to the too-long list of porn spoofs that have rolled out of Porn Valley as of late, now there’s “Saved By The Bell XXX.” Shockingly, it looks trashy and ridiculous.

“Your favorite characters from Bayside High are 18 and going WILD! Will Zack’s schemes work? Will Slater stop being a girl-crazy Bubba? Will Lisa and Screech hook up? Pick up a copy and find out!!!!!”

A real X-rated masterpiece, surely. Here’s hoping the theme song isn’t stuck in your head all day, as it is mine. Can someone shoot me?

“Marc Jacobs and Tom Ford would always talk about how they’re ‘70s kids. And now, I’m thinking about how I’m really a ‘90s kid. My ideas come from things that I didn’t notice were trends at the time, like seeing my sister wear Via Spiga and watching ‘Saved by the Bell.’”

—Designer Alexander Wang [W Editors’ Blog]

Who cares about the “Saved By The Bell” reunion? Think “Saved by the Bell” sexual union instead. Yes, the folks at Hustler are hard at work on a porn parody of our friends at Bayside High: “This Ain’t Saved by the Bell XXX.” Noooo! I don’t want to see Mr. Belding call Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley, pre-“Showgirls”) into the principal’s office for a spanking. Or Kelly Kapowski perform a strip routine on a pole at The Max, seductively removing her Keds and cutoff jean shorts. Or Screech getting shoved in his locker naked! Come to think of it, I bet they could get Dustin Diamond to participate after all. Point being: I’m so excited ... I mean ... I’m so scared! This was my childhood, dammit!

After the jump, more ‘80s and ‘90s television shows we have a feeling will soon go XXX.

Jimmy Fallon is going to be so pissed when he sees the newest issue of People magazine. After repeatedly begging asking to hold a reunion on his late night show, the cast of “Saved By The Bell” decided to come together on the cover of People. In all fairness, Mario Lopez confessed that People had the 20th anniversary reunion idea before Jimmy and has worked for over a year putting together a feature deserving of the mega-popular ‘90s sitcom. And really, can you argue with A.C. Slater?

Even though it’s been 20 years since Zack Morris was “Saved By The Bell,” the entire cast looks as happy and oddly fresh-faced as they did back at Bayside High School. Except for everyone’s favorite geek—Screech. No, Dustin Diamond wasn’t late to the shoot. He was asked not to come. [People/NY Daily News]

Ever since the return of Zack Morris on “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon,” the “Saved by the Bell” reminiscing hasn’t stopped. Bayside was a factory of ‘90s fashion, and may be the only place where denim-on-denim will ever remain respected (sort of). With her neon scrunchies and flowered denim outfits, it-girl Kelly Kapowski influenced a generation of young girls. You can still get her hot look, which, if you’re lucky, might land you your own Zack (swoon!).

1. Mixing florals with a graphic design gives off that funky flair. [$17.99, Charlotte Russe]
2. This denim vest is slightly OTT, so rock it with Kapowski confidence. [$248, William Rast, RevolveClothing.com]
3. These flower-print sneaks are scarily close to the ones we wore in ‘92. [$20, Cabbage Rose, Urban Outfitters]
4. Kelly lived in denim minis. Easy to see why when one like this would show off your hot legs. [$19.80, Forever 21]

We didn’t realize how much we missed Zack Morris and “Saved By the Bell” until Mark-Paul Gosselar reprised his famous role on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.”

Jimmy Fallon has found a way to get people to care about his late night show—he’s getting the gang from “Saved by the Bell” back together. With Mr. Belding (Dennis Haskins), Fallon made an on-air appeal for a reunion in honor of the 20th anniversary of the teentastic show. [Paste] Wre we really that old? So far, Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhies) and A.C. Slater (Mario Lopez) are in.

Admittedly, I was much more of a Zack girl than a Slater girl during my Saved By The Bell-watching days, but I have never understood what the ladies saw in Mario Lopez. And I really don’t get it now. I was flipping through the latest issue of Us Weekly and there is the most frightening photo of him, shirtless, with a throbbing VEIN on his stomach. Is this what people consider sexy?