Dear ABC,
Your decision to air Barbara Walters’ five-part interview with Sarah Palin on Nov. 17 is one of the worst decisions in the history of mankind. Seriously, isn’t showing segments of the interview on “Good Morning America,” ” World News with Charles Gibson,” “Nightline” and “20/20” overdoing it just a little? First, you are shamelessly helping Palin promote her book, Going Rogue: An American Life, by airing the interview the same day it hits bookstore shelves. Second, didn’t you get the memo that Oprah is interviewing her on the 16th? And uh, did you not notice that Sarah can barely formulate an articulate sentence—the result of her stretching her limited mental capacity over hours could be completely disastrous. After numerous embarrassing interviews with big shots like Katie Couric and Brain Williams, it’s clear that Palin is a masochist for coming back for more. Plus, she is neither relevant nor interesting—she isn’t even a governor anymore. She is famous for being a joke. So why give her the publicity!? You don’t know? That’s because there’s no reason! We suggest you reconsider. Please.
Sincerely,
Nikki
[EW]

We are a nation obsessed: with Levi Johnston‘s penis, apparently. The Daily Beast digs deep, wondering: “Can Levi Johnston Save Playgirl?” Methinks not. Along with many other magazines, Playgirl all but tanked last year, thanks to plummeting advertising rates, decreased circulation, and the proliferation of online adult content. But the Playgirl brand lingers, and the company plans to reinvent the magazine in the new millennium, courtesy of a series of high-profile spreads. Daniel Nardicio, a consultant brought in to lead the charge, hasn’t previewed what Levi has to offer; although, he adds, “We wouldn’t turn away Levi if he had a small penis.” How generous. Which male celebrities have bared their bods for Playgirl during its illustrious past? Get an eyeful in the slide show. [The Daily Beast]

Oh, no! Frisky favorite Levi Johnston is having some type of penis-related existential crisis prior to his upcoming nudie Playgirl pictorial. The New York Post reports that Levi is worried about the size of his pecker. “We hear that the father of Sarah Palin’s grandson has been telling folks at the magazine he is worried about how his manhood may look during the shoot.” What if he’s a grower, not a shower? What if when he takes it all off, he doesn’t measure up? The purported shoot location is, unsurprisingly, an ice rink (nice, er, puck?), and rumor has it Levi is worried the chill may cause some unflattering shrinkage. Levi’s man-friend Tank says it ain’t so, but perhaps an on-set fluffer would be in order? [New York Post]

“We have purposefully ignored the mean spirited, malicious and untrue attacks on our family. We, like many, are appalled at the inflammatory statements being made or implied. Trig is our ‘blessed little angel’ who knows it and is lovingly called that every day of his life. [...] Consider the source ... Those who would sell their body for money reflect a desperate need for attention and are likely to say and do anything for even more attention.”

—Sarah Palin responds to comments Levi Johnston made on CBS’s “The Early Show” yesterday that she has referred to her infant son, Trig, who has Down syndrome, as “retarded.” [via People.com]

Attention Levi Johnston: show us your wang in Playgirl or go back to your kid in Wasilla. We’re tired of you complaining publicly about Sarah Palin, especially since you don’t have any new dirt!

• Oprah will finally sit down with Sarah Palin on the Nov. 16 episode of her talk show. [What an awesome birthday present!—Editor] [TrèsSugar]—This is quite possibly the showdown of the century.
• “Real Housewife” Bethenny Frankel, who got engaged recently, admits she’s pregnant after internet rumors started to spread. [NYDailyNews.com]—Lesson learned: no matter what, you can never outrun the internet.
• Beer pong: the swine flu’s latest victim. A New York college has banned the playing of beer pong after several students contracted H1N1 during a weekend of partying. [Lemondrop]

Who needs to be a slutty cop or a trampy pirate for Halloween when you can trick-or-treat as the bane of John McCain’s existence? Hustler magazine is gifting their lucky customers with the scariest fright mask of all: a cardboard face mask of adult film actress Lisa Ann, star of the Sarah Palin porn, “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?” What you and “Todd” choose to do with the former governor of Alaska‘s likeness in bed is up to you. But we at The Frisky kindly request you behave like a proper young lady and refrain from sullying Mrs. Palin’s good name. [The Sexist]

Are you looking to hire a 40-something woman with managerial experience and a great head of hair for your company? Someone who can wink on command? Well, you are in luck, because Sarah Palin has posted her resume on LinkedIn. On it, she lists her stints as governor of Alaska, vice presidential nominee, and chairperson of the oil and gas conservation commission. Her specialties? “Attacking ‘business as usual,’ Oil Companies, Good Old Boy Networks, Government waste, Earmarks, and Pork Barrels. Strong experience within the Executive Branch of Government.” (She forgot capitalizing Random words! And reading Playgirl!) She’s interested in “job inquiries, business deals, and getting back in touch.” And she’s been recommended by five whole people. How can you not hire her? [CNN]

Well, at least according to this imaginative artistic rendering created by illustrator Drew Friedman. But, really, why not? We here at The Frisky are waiting with bated breath for Sarah Palin‘s grandbaby-daddy Levi Johnston to take it all off for Playgirl. Why wouldn’t his mother-in-law-never-to-be be a little curious about what the young buck looks like in the buff? Of course, who knows how much he’ll actually show in the magazine spread. If he pulls a Burt Reynolds, his package may remain a mystery to us and the vice president who wasn’t. [The Daily What]

I thought Sarah Palin was the nutty one, but Bristol‘s baby daddy, Levi Johnston, is now hawking nuts—yes, nuts—in a groan-inducing sexually provocative commercial for Wonderful Pistachios. Clever, Levi, but I am still holding out for Alaska’s finest to pose for nudie pics!

If you thought Sarah Palin’s moment in the spotlight was over after the election, you were seriously mistaken. The “average hockey mom/governor” won’t give up that fast. Already she has transformed herself from politician to author, completing her memoir and landing on the bestseller list before the chronicle has even been released. But that’s not all. Remember when we predicted that eventually a lipstick would be inspired by and named after her? Sadly prescient.

HarperCollins has released the first image of Sarah Palin’s memoir, Going Rogue: An American Life. [USA Today]

Great news for all you folks who were terrified that you’d have to wait until the spring to read Sarah Palin‘s memoir—HarperCollins has decided to move the release date to November 17. [Happy Birthday, Me!—Editor] That’s right, pitbull hockey moms, only two months and 18 days until you can read it! The book now also has a title, Going Rogue: An American Life, a nod to what a McCain aide said she was doing during last year’s election. Palin collaborated on the book with World editor Lynn Vincent, and reportedly reeled in $7 million smackeroos for her effort. She said she felt it was important to tell her own story since “there have been so many things written and said through mainstream media that have not been accurate.” Though I think it’d be pretty funny if it turned out to be sci-fi/fantasy with her as the star. [Reuters]

If you’ve got $25,000 burning a whole in your pocket—and frankly, who doesn’t in this economy—I’ve got the perfect way for you to spend it. No, not by giving it to me, though that would be cool too. You should put in a bid on eBay to win a dinner for five with Sarah and Todd Palin. The auction will start next Tuesday, and bidding will begin at $25K. The proceeds from the auction will go to Ride 2 Recovery, a charity for wounded veterans. If you bid, just hope that Sarah and Todd stay together long enough to make it to your swinging soiree.

If the thought of having dinner with the Palins makes you want to scream, perhaps you’d prefer to bid $7,500 on a lunch with Karl Rove? Anyone? [CNN]

The Vanity Fair “Me and Mrs. Palin” article by Levi Johnston—which he appears to not have “written” so much as dictated to the editors—is the juiciest, gooeyiest, gossipiest smear I’ve ever sunk my teeth into. Did you know Sarah Palin wanted her and the First Dude to secretly adopt Bristol and Levi’s baby, Tripp, so no one would know her teen daughter had been pregnant?!?! Or that Cindy McCain offered to let Bristol and Levi marry at the White House if McCain won?!?! Allegedly.

But beneath all the gossip that supports the theory that, yes, these chuckleheads and their hunting gear are just as ridic as we’ve always thought they were, Levi (and the Vanity Fair editors who approved his piece) tells another story: Sarah Palin is a bad mother and wife. As much as I dislike the Alaskan ex-governor’s character as a politician, that particular story is not one that’s fair to tell.

And he also spills the beans. In the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair, Levi Johnston says that there wasn’t much parenting in the Palin household, that Sarah wanted to keep Bristol’s pregnancy a secret and then adopt the child when it was born, and that she quit her job as governor so she could make triple the money writing a book. Do we believe him? Maybe. Regardless, it will make for a very entertaining read! [Vanity Fair]

Sure, Levi Johnston is easy on the eyes, but can the hockey hunk write? We’re guessing probably not. Why, then, is Vanity Fair publishing a piece by Levi titled “Me And Sarah Palin” when there are real journalists who would die for a byline in the national magazine? Clearly, Levi is dumb as rocks, but his handlers have brilliantly steered him off-course from D-list celebrity nude pix doom to the respectable pages of VF. Levi’s cover story is not online yet, so we have to wait for whatever fresh angle Bristol Palin‘s baby daddy could possibly cast on Alaska’s ex-guv. But we already know she’s shady as hell, alright? [Vanity Fair]

Sarah Palin has some crafty supporters. Now that she’s out of the governor’s mansion, Palin is required to disclose a list of any gifts she received since December 1, 2008, worth more than $250. Some of the highlights:

• A gun case with her name embroidered on it from a woman in Tennessee.
• A painted plate of Sarah’s noggin from a stoneware studio in Kansas.
• Two handmade army flags from a woman in New Jersey.
• A glass elephant pendant from a woman in California.
• A blanket with the words “The Special Child” cross-stitched into it from a woman in Texas.
• A handmade Bible with a goatskin case.

Uh, is it just me, or does none of this stuff sound like it could possibly be valued at more than $20? [CNN Political Ticker]

I bet no one saw this coming: Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin’s grandbaby-daddy, admits that he’d totally pose naked for the right price. “It depends on the money, man,” he says from his hometown of Wasilla, Alaska in a Skype interview with Bravo’s Andy Cohen. Any chance the “right price” could come from a gay publication? Cohen reminds Levi he’s become somewhat of a “gay pin-up boy.” And since he escorted gay icon Kathy Griffin to the Teen Choice Awards last week and then appeared with her in a hilarious segment on “Larry King Live” the next night, we bet his gay following has only quadrupled in the last few days. “I think it’s great, man,” Levi says. “Um, I just like my fans. Just another person.”