How many times have I complained that my boyfriend’s enthusiasm for my BJ talent has been cutting into my drinking schedule? I lost count. Luckily, my problem could be solved with these new whiskey-flavored condoms from the genius company McCondom. But, you see, I’m picky: Which kind of scotch do these flavored condoms taste like? Because the deep smoky quality of Laphroaig would be a bad match with the antiseptic flavor of latex, don’t ya think? The spicy opening note of Bewenie might make a nice pairing, but imagine the cost of that condom. Anyway, order these babies here—they’re about $5 a pair. They would go great in the gift bags at your bestie’s bachelorette party. The perfect nightcap, if you ask me. [BuzzFeed]

I suppose that since these condoms are called “novelty” condoms, they’re not suitable for human use, yet they still frighten me. The mere thought of utilizing any of the rubber numbers from the Willy Attire collection causes me to shudder in horror. From the beer stein to the banana, the cow to the devil, the elephant to the zebra, these johnson raincoats are not something most women want anywhere near their hoo-has. One supposes it would be amusing to see a guy tromping around in nothing but the gas mask jimmy, but, for God’s sake, don’t try to do anything with a willy if it’s wearing one of these, ladies. [Willy Attire via Gorilla Mask]

The Daily Mail released another one of their sensational studies yesterday. This time the researchers cast their glare to women, drinking and their ability (or lack thereof) to have sex sober. “One in 20 women has NEVER had sex sober as they lack body confidence” screams the headline.

By now, you’ve probably heard of RealDolls. They’re those lifelike, anatomically correct silicone sex dolls that costs thousands of dollars. They’ve appeared in movies (“Lars and the Real Girl”), on TV (Howard Stern, natch), and in books (Still Lovers). These days, though, it seems the love doll industry is taking a hit. In these tough economic times, not every guy who longs for a synthetic lover with a fully articulated internal armature has the means to buy one. Sniff. The man who dreamed of spending $6,499 on a life partner with a choice of vagina attachments may be S.O.L. Thankfully, the folks at RealDoll.com are offering some unique deals. “Order a RealDoll, RealDoll2 or Male RealDoll2 and get a FREE FACE!!” the website advertises. “Order a Female Flat Back Torso get the Head Kit FREE!” You know, this 21st century depression might not be such a bad thing if it means free faces and head kits for lonely guys looking for women with removable visages.

This is another one of those ads that I just can’t figure out. It’s for condoms, apparently. Or a condom shop? I’m confused. And there’s something in there about rubbing one out, from what I gather. I Believe in Advertising‘s explanation doesn’t exactly help either: “Metaphor of the condoms like rubber gum and his utilization ‘to erase’ evidences.” HUH? WHAT? Totally confused. Maybe, if you use condoms, there will be no traces of ... something ... bad? I don’t know! Practice safe sex. That’s all I can figure out. Maybe one of you can explain it to me? [I Believe in Advertising]

In a supreme stroke of moronic-ness, this Friday Alabama’s Supreme Court upheld a 1998 ban on selling sex toys on Friday. It’s still perfectly legal to go Down South on yourself in private, thank God. But Alabama’s highest court said the legislature is allowed to ban the sale of sex tales in public, meaning it’s a crime to sell someone a vibrator or a paddle! A sex shop in Hoover, AL, called Love Stuff challenged the ban on the grounds it violated a horny person’s right to sexual privacy, yet the heat-addled judicial brains in Alabama upheld the ban as matter of public morality. Sorry, but the only thing morally wrong with this is making the good folks of Alabama wait 3-5 business days for a vibe to come in the mail. [The Birmingham News]

Some people are still embarrassed to buy condoms. Gasp! How dare anyone know they have safe sex? To make purchasing and carrying condoms more discreet, Trojan brand condoms has created the Trojan 2GO, a pocket-sized package that contains two condoms. The hard plastic package makes it safe to stow condoms anywhere, even that abyss of a pocketbook you carry around, and the package can be snapped in two secure pieces so you can use the condoms individually or share with a friend. The Trojan 2GO is also the first condom you can find at the cash counter instead of at the back of the store. It comes in a choice of “Her Pleasure” or “Ultra Thin.” Check out the Trojan 2GO in action in Cobra Starship‘s “Good Girls Go Bad” video, starring Leighton Meester.

Yeah, so there’s pretty much nothing about this video that doesn’t freak me out. The obsession with hygiene. The fact that no identifiable human appears in it. That the product is called “The Flip Hole.” Say hello to a guy’s new best friend when it comes to high-tech self-pleasuring. Designed by the people who think masturbating with robo-eggs is a good idea, what we have here is a plastic vagina with a ribbed interior. Dudes stick their peen into the hole. And then ... the magic happens? I don’t know. Sometimes men confuse me. [Buzzfeed]

This new AIDS Awareness campaign from One Life finally uses sex to sell an effective message—when you sleep with him, you’re sleeping with everyone in his past. Click on over to Trendhunter to see a few more graphic images—including a woman giving a blowjob to a handgun. One more image, after the jump…

These days, there are robots to do everything. Build cars. Vacuum floors. They’re even taking the place of fashion models on the runway. What’s next? According to one futurologist, robot prostitutes may be appearing on the horizon in the not-too-distant future. Tourism futurologist Dr. Ian Yeoman predicts that robot call girls could play a part in the future of tourism. Rather than seeking out the great outdoors, travelers will pursue manufactured experiences. They’ll be served drinks by robot bartenders, stay in rooms that change colors (perhaps according to one’s mood?), and room services will include robot sex workers that give tourists happy endings. What’s the appeal of sex with an android? For one thing, robot sex partners would be guaranteed disease-free. But what could replace the human touch? A fembot, apparently. [Belfast Telegraph]

• A new “molecular” liquid condom has been developed that would prevent the transmission of AIDS during intercourse. The condom consists of a vaginal gel that turns semisolid in the presence of sperm, trapping the AIDS virus. [Medical News Today] – Sounds promising!

• “Twilight” has inspired clothing lines and greeting cards. Now, Mattel is launching two new Barbie dolls: Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. [People]—Sadly, Edward’s doll doesn’t do his steamy sex appeal justice.

Imagine this: You’re a young, single woman out in the jungle that is the urban dating world. One fine summer night, you meet a good-looking guy at a rooftop party. “Hello,” he says, as you push your way through the crowd toward the makeshift bar. “Do I know you?” you ask. “No, but I’d like to get you another drink,” he offers. You are charmed. “Of course—but be careful. They’re pouring heavy tonight,” you warn. He laughs. Before long, you and the young man are conversing while throwing back stiff vodka tonics. Soon, you are making out. Why not, right? He invites you home with him. You agree. You are pleasantly surprised when you arrive at his swanky, apartment, and it’s clean! Before long, you’re both naked. Then, he utters some alarming words. “Do you have a condom?” he asks. “Um ... Not on me. Don’t you have one?” you ask. “Can we skip the condom? I prefer sex without a condom. I have great self-control,” he explains.

It’s no secret that condoms are no fun to use, but a new study says that having unprotected sex may actually be better for your mental health.

When Stuart Brody of the West of Scotland University, Paisley, asked 99 women and 111 men about sexual pleasure, he found that the ones who go bareback handle stress better and experience less depression. Humans might be biologically programed to enjoy unprotected sex, Brody theorized, since we were boinking for thousands of years without Durex Pleasuremax.

There are lots of other theories, though. Maybe people who don’t use protection want to start families and are at an emotionally-ready and healthy place to begin with. Or, maybe unprotected sex, while more risky, just feels more intimate and that makes everybody happier! [Scotsman]

Want a new iPod? Or a Wii? Or a Fujitsu laptop? Get tested for STDs! In a new attempt to get England’s sexually rampant youth out of the bedroom and into a clinic, Britain’s National Health Service is entering folks who get tested in raffles for expensive high-tech toys and even weekend getaways. Why? Because there’s been a serious chlamydia outbreak there lately, and the disease is now the number one STD in the country. The NHS is dipping into taxpayer’s money, practically bribing folks to get tested. [Daily Mail] 

People looking to set off fireworks with a new sex technique and those who might have missed out on sex ed when they were younger can get a refresher course at the “Amora Sex Academy,” an interactive exhibition that recently opened in Berlin. The slogan of the exhibit is “Finally—an exhibition for those who always have to touch everything.” There are more than 50 interactive displays in which men and women learn about each others’ bodies. Visitors play with the erogenous zones of naked mannequins positioned in different sexual positions. When one female model’s G-spot is accurately located, she lights up and shrieks, “That’s it!”

Jeebus. Why does everybody get so freaked out when adults dare to talk about teenagers masturbating, considering horny 13-year-old guys probably jerk off more than anyone in the world? Alas, there’s drama in Sheffield, England, because medical professionals are circulating a pamphlet to teens which suggests that self-pleasure might be more satisfying than, oh, having sex before they’re ready or getting knocked up. The pamphlet is called “Pleasure” and it says:

“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away….Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes’ physical activity three times a week. What about sex or masturbation twice a week?”

Want to know how you can have more intimate, orgasmic sex without actually having sex? It’s called “outercourse” and Yvonne Fulbright, a “sexpert” at FoxNews of all places, has all the details. “Outercourse is the umbrella term for any kind of sex play that doesn’t involve oral or traditional sex,” she explains. “It’s ideal in minimizing the spread of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and the risk of pregnancy, although the method is not completely foolproof – depending on how much clothing you keep on.” There are lots of reasons “lovers of all ages in all sorts of relationships may engage in outercourse,” Fulbright says. More, after the jump.

Earlier this week, Lady Gaga took time out from pantslessness and boob explosions to volunteer at AIDS charity Body Positive North West in Manchester, England. “I want to make it fashionable to have safe sex,” she said. “You must be safe. You can have sex with hundreds of people with a condom on and get nothing. If you have sex without one, then you could get all sorts of problems.” Hey, if the singer can create a trend out of neglecting to put clothes on the lower half of her body, maybe she can get people to put on condoms.

While she was at the AIDS center, she helped paint the above mural that included her likeness. The hair-bow is accurate, but why is she wearing leggings? [The Advocate]

Do you feel sheepish that you own a vibrator? Well stop. According to two new national surveys from Indiana University, 53 percent of women and nearly half of men report having used a vibrator. In fact, the vibrator is nearly as popular in households as appliances such as the drip coffee maker and the toaster oven.

Back in the ‘50s, studies by the Alfred Kinsey and others concluded that vibrator use was “not appreciable,” something done by less than 1 percent of the population. These days, vibrators are much more mainstream in part because they are readily available at mainstream stores, and many don’t look as obvious as they did in the past. Heck, you can even turn your iPhone into one.

It was about a year ago that I realized it was time to just make a commitment.

If I had a checklist for where I was in my life, it would have looked pretty good:  late 30s, living in Manhattan, freelance writer, founder of an improv school, volunteering for an organization dedicated to creating a better future, plenty of good friends – all dimensions accounted for.

Well almost.  It was everything but “a man.”

I was one of those “date a few times and then be inseparable for two years” people.  When I moved to NYC in 2001, “Sex and the City” was at its peak. That show and its promise of the perfect city life for a young single woman was a factor in me moving from LA.  I know, it’s sad. But it just shows how deep and powerful the desire to find—and how much fun it is to look for— that one guy really is.