In the vast world of intensive, time-consuming, expensive, and extreme beauty treatments, professional teeth whitening has never been one to particularly appeal to me. This is largely, if not entirely, because I hate nothing more than the gloved hands of strangers roaming around my open mouth, applying pastes and gels and plastic trays and god only knows what else. I hate just THE IDEA of that. I gag and panic when the dentist tries to take annual x-rays of my teeth … which is why I do my best to avoid the dentist altogether, by taking what I am pretty sure is “meticulous” care of my mouth. I brush, I mouthwash, I floss, and I definitely don’t use my back teeth to open stubborn containers (haha, OK, I do that all the time), so I am generally in pretty good, if not tip-top, dental health.
But as for the visual aspect of my teeth, well, that’s (kind of?) a different story. I’m a coffee guzzler and a red wine enthusiast, and I am not about to stick a bendy straw in either of these to preserve the whiteness of my teeth. This is not to suggest that my teeth are, like, orange or brown or decaying. They’re not gross at all, they just err more “eggshell” than white. Or they did, at least, until I dedicated a Tuesday night to “Peep Show” and Rembrandt Deeply White 2 Hour Whitening Kit. (Note this is literally no different from any other Tuesday night of my life, except the whitening kit is interchangeable with some other questionable No Boys Allowed beauty experience, like an exfoliating foot peel or plucking out my leg hair or wearing a pair of mittens filled with Bag Balm for five hours.) Keep reading »
One of these days we’re going to wise up and give up on the whole braless bra concept. But apparently that day hasn’t arrived yet, because we got super excited when Bare Lifts came in the mail. The adhesives promised to be an “Instant Breast Lift” and we trusted them. In fact, we trusted them so much that we stuck them onto our bare chesticles in an overly optimistic attempt to eliminate the need for real bras. Oh silly us. Unsurprisingly, stickers still don’t make good bras. Keep reading »