For a wino wine lover like me, I just received the best news I could possibly hear. A new, long-term study says that women who drink red wine in moderation stay thinner into middle age. Woo hoo! So I finally have a legit reason to pop the cork on a daily basis. Of the 20,000 women that participated in this study, the red wine drinkers consistently put on less weight than the women who drank white wine, beer, liquor, or no alcohol at all. Why? The theory is that the body processes calories from alcohol differently from calories from food. The livers of regular red wine drinkers develop a separate method of breaking down alcohol, where surplus energy is turned into heat rather than fat. So those calories from your glass of Pinot Noir will get burned off while the calories from your slice of pizza will go directly to your butt. If you weren’t already excited to go out and buy a bottle of liquid dinner, studies also show that red wine can prevent blood clots and heart disease and extend your life expectancy. Cheers to that! [Daily Mail]

Looks like stores that carry red wine should stock up on condoms, too! An Italian study found that women who sipped vino rouge scored higher on the Female Sexual Function Index than those whose drink of choice was white wine or, well, anything else. Scientists don’t know why this is true, but some think it could be because red wine contains antioxidants that widen blood vessels, thus increasing blood flow to those special areas. Hm, we hope guys don’t use this knowledge to their advantage. [I feel like I learned so much more about myself in that last minute than I have in two years of therapy!—Editor] [Asylum.com]

I’m a wino. I’ll admit it. I like to end the day with a glass of red wine or three. Is that so wrong? Apparently, to some, you know, scientists, it is. On a fairly regular basis a new study is released that associates my beloved nectar with either disease and death (cancer!) or vitality and life (good cholesterol!). So which is it? Just this week, a new study was released that says drinking a glass of red wine a day increases a woman’s chances of getting breast cancer by a quarter. I decided to weigh the positives and negatives of drinking red wine to find out conclusively if I should give up my vice for good—or pour myself another glass.