I didn’t need a crystal ball to predict that the CW’s updated version of “Melrose Place” was going to be kind of awesome. It seemed like Laura Leighton, aka Sydney, was going to be the major player on the show—she was sprawled out in a chaise lounge in the center of the show’s cast promo pics, which was confusing because any “Melrose” addict knows that she died in a car crash on her wedding day back in the ‘90s. Turns out that she only faked her death, with the help of Dr. Michael Mancini, and now has come back to be Melrose Place’s landlord. She was already, of course, sleeping with one of Melrose’s tenants, David—conveniently, Michael’s son. But then, just a few minutes into the episode, Sydney was floating face-down in the infamous Spanish-tiled pool. She’d confessed to David that she’d done something “really, really bad” and no doubt she’ll become this show’s version of Laura Palmer—the season will be about figuring out who killed her. Was it Michael, who wanted to keep her from telling his wife that they’d been boning? Was it David, who was pissed she was also getting it on with his dad?

NeNe Leakes shouted “I’m the director” all over Buckhead as she prepared “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” for the alter-ego photo shoot by photographer Derek Banks. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The episode opened with the social director of the crew (NeNe) inviting Kandi and Sheree for Minx Nails manicures. They really over-shared about their pubic hair while getting primped. Kandi got rid of hers with electrolysis. And Sheree is completely bald, and I don’t know why. Brazilians? Alopecia? Who knows.

Kim has latched onto Kandi like I predicted she would. Really, I can’t blame Kim for wanting to become close to Kandi because it’s difficult to be on a show if you’re not friends with any of the other four women. Kim visited Kandi at her studio and actually convinced Kandi to produce “Tardy for the Party,” the song she and NeNe created last season, but Kim refused to sing the song in front of Kandi. Chances are, Kim, if you’re too shy to sing with others around, then you’re not a singer. Meanwhile, Lisa and NeNe were in L.A. visiting Lisa’s family. Please tell me NeNe and I weren’t the only ones shocked to find out Lisa’s mom is black and her father is Asian—I thought it’d be the other way around. NeNe met a great part of Lisa’s Asian family members because it was her grandmother’s 92nd birthday. The best advice of the night was when Lisa’s grandmother said she slathered Vaseline all over her face throughout her life to keep wrinkles at bay. And it really works. Grandma didn’t have one wrinkle on her face. I’m too scared of acne to try it, though. As it turns out, Lisa did visit the grave site of her older brother Meho, but I still don’t get why that was such a priority for her other brother. If she didn’t want to go, she shouldn’t have been forced. Sad, sad Sheree didn’t have a big part in last night’s episode. She’s planning another Sh*t by Sheree fashion show, but for some reason Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss look-alike models aren’t showing up for her auditions. I wonder why.

I’m a little disappointed in the behavior of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” cast members. On last night’s episode, all the women came together for the first time this season. NeNe had arranged for a private tour of a King Tut exhibit that had come to Atlanta. Kim showed up, and I think the only reason she did was because you can’t exactly have a show about five women if they’re never around each other. She latched onto newbie Kandi because Kandi genuinely reserved judgment about her until they had a chance to meet and talk. While they were chatting, Lisa made fun of Kim’s singing and tried to convince NeNe and Sheree to interrupt the conversation. This is why Lisa is an instigator. She tried to get the beef going once again at a museum exhibit. Remember, Lisa was the one who told Sheree about NeNe’s song last season, and we know that was partly to blame for the feud between NeNe and Kim.

Yesterday I enjoyed three of the things I missed the most while I was in Costa Rica (to be honest, the list isn’t much longer than that)—my dog Lucca, a big ol’ breakfast burrito from my favorite brunch joint, and “True Blood.” I caught up on last week’s episode first (Annika did a killer recap), which should have been called “Hoytsica & The Never-Ending Hymen.” Jessica is eternally a virgin! How awesomely strange is that?! Last night’s episode was just as thrilling—Hoyt continued to prove that he’s the most evolved man in all of Bon Temps, Mary Ann continued to spread her black-eyed craziness in her hunt for Sam, Jason “Action” Stackhouse kicked Preacher Steve’s ass, and Lafayette proved that gay men in eyeliner aren’t to be f**ked with. Sookie continued to be a pain in the ass (though she had one good line, telling Jason to use his brain instead of “letting it take up space in your skull”), Bill was a little less wimpy than usual, and Erik continued to dominate, tricking Sookie into drinking his blood, resulting in her having sexual fantasies about him.

You wouldn’t expect it, but “True Blood” has become a bit of a tearjerker. When Godric decided that his vampire existence must come to an end and stood in the sun, evaporating into a burning vortex with the help of totally ‘80s special effects, I welled up. I didn’t, however, blubber as much as Erik, whose mourning for his maker was positively heartbreaking. It’s a good thing we got to see his naked vampire viking ass in the flesh, because otherwise, he might have lost some manly points for that display. Clip above!

The folks at HBO seem to outdo themselves with every “True Blood” episode and last night’s was no different. Basically, it was all about rescuing Sookie and Godric, who didn’t really need any assistance, from the Fellowship of the Sun people, and Maryann continued her domination over Tara and Eggs.

I’m so confused, y’all. Last night’s episode was all about the feud brewing between Sheree and Kim, and the one simmering between Kim, Lisa and NeNe. And I can’t tell who is lying, who’s acting extra for the cameras, and who really should be friends. After the jump, I recap what went down in The ATL when “The Real Housewives” tried to discuss their drama.

Last night’s episode of “True Blood” was mega exciting. In a nutshell: Bill was stuck in a hotel room with his maker Lorena and we were treated to another flashback, though this one was less bloody and sexual. I wonder if, as time goes on, we’ll get to see flashbacks of all the vamps in different time periods. Aren’t you just dying to see what Eric looked like in the ‘70s? I know I am! Keep reading for more recapping excitement…

There were some highs and some lows on the season premiere of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” last night. The absolute best part was the neck-rolling, arm-swinging catfight, altercation, ruckus, or whatever you want to call it between Sheree and her party planner, Anthony. You see, Sheree had the not-so unique idea to throw an “independence party” since her ex-husband got her home foreclosed, and she finally has to stand on her own two feet. Basically, she wanted Atlanta’s elite to fawn over her once again and realize that she might have a smaller house, but she’s still “fabulous.”

On last night’s episode of “True Blood,” we finally got to see another side to Bill Compton, which had been hinted at, but never seen. Bill had always told Sookie that he wasn’t always such a gentile vampire, eager to mainstream. In a flashback scene that takes place in the ‘20s, Bill and his maker/lover, Lorena, pretend to be French (hilarious!), Bill sings and plays the piano (even more hilarious!), glamor a couple into having a foursome with them, and then feed on the hapless lovers before screwing on a bed covered in blood. HAWT.

This week’s installment of “NYC Prep” was the first episode where it felt like we were past the character introductions, and finally into the thick of their lives. What did we find when we got there? The clan lives to achieve higher. Kelli with her singing, Taylor with dance, PC with ... well, we’re not quite sure there ... maybe let’s just say “coolness,” Jessi with her “career” in fashion (WTF, Miss I Can’t Even Vote Yet?), and as always, there was Camille, ever the social-climbing slut.

This week on “NYC Prep,” the boys shop more than the girls, Sebastian gets shot down, and Camille and Jessi show (more) of their nasty sides.

At the heart of it all, those pesky “differences” between public school kids and private school weasels. Because, like, they’re practically different species, didn’t you know?

Last’s night episode of “True Blood” was incredible, over-the-top, and possibly the best of the season, even without any Sookie/Bill sexy time. My eight favorite moments, after the jump.

In this week’s “NYC Prep,” we get further into romantic intrigue, but not just between Kelli, Sebastian, and Taylor. A lot of the focus is on PC, who heads to Mexico for the holidays, only to basically come out of the closet on television (more on him later). Otherwise, we got more of braying Jessi’s stupid, annoying life that no one is envious of and some stuff about the other character no one cares about, Camille.

Last night’s episode of “True Blood” was fantastic—we finally found out whether or not Lafayette had been turned into a vampire, Sookie was attacked by some weird creature that left her with gnarly claw marks down her back, and a romance blossomed between new vampire Jessica and adorable local gentleman, Hoyt. Mary Anne also had another icky orgy party, we got to see Tara’s new boyfriend’s rockin’ abs, and we fully began to appreciate Eric the Vampire’s David Beckham-esque makeover. Even though there weren’t any Sookie/Bill sex scenes, this was still the best episode of Season 2. More gushing, and some questions, after the jump…

Our usual “Gossip Girl” recapper, Sara B., is off this week, so Simcha stepped in to analyze the season finale’s style.

Finale, it has happened to me! Last night was the last episode of “Gossip Girl.” As if the writing hasn’t already gotten patchy (honestly, if “GG” was hackable, why wouldn’t you delete the rumors you didn’t want published?), now they’re heading into the dreaded college years. Sigh. On the upside, the death knell was the hot jam “Zero” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. But while the teens may have graduated high school, there were some major fashion fails on the show. Like Serena lazily tacking her tassel into her hair. WTF? So, let’s rich bitch it up together, shall we?

Last night, “Gossip Girl” was awesome fun! It was weirdly sentimental, and sweet, and No Doubt was there covering Adam and the Ants, and Brittany Snow actually charmed my dang pants off with her turn as Young Lily, and the ‘80s fashion was ADORBZ, and they played Men Without Hats, and there were actual nice parallels between the dual storylines! I feel like someone sat the writers down and gave them a talking-to.

OMFG this episode was actually F-U-N in spots! Can you believe it? Neither can I! Well, don’t worry. I’m sure next week’s episode will be supreme crossover lameness to pimp the new Lily-is-young-in-the-‘80s series. But today it’s still 2009, and I’m still basking in the afterglow of a sorta-good episode.

To review: Serena’s ugstown boyfriend Gabriel stole a bunch of money through a Ponzi scheme and disappeared. In this episode, Serena lures him in with a false pregnancy claim and then gets him to admit everything. He’s wearing softest powder blue and has a weird sudden fake tan. Because she’s stupid, she doesn’t involve the police but instead tries to play Encyclopedia Brown.

“Lost” turned 100 last night, airing its 100th episode, and, go figure, last night’s show ended with a shocker/head-scratcher/WHAT? The show has always been full of horrible fathers—from Jack’s alcoholic pop to Locke’s father who went so far as to steal his son’s kidney—but last night Eloise Hawking shot her son, scientist Daniel Faraday. Why’d she get trigger-happy? After recovering from shock, the blogosphere discussed. 

After an excruciating hiatus, “Gossip Girl” is back! On last night’s episode, Passover was in the air, and Blair’s Jewish stepdad was back onscreen for Seder in the latest installment of your favorite meaningless teen dramedy. Also, other things happened.