rand paul

Rand Paul Drops Out Of GOP Race, Pledges To Continue Igniting “Brush Fires Of Liberty”

Rand Paul has suspended his campaign for the presidency today, saying in a statement that he’s pleased that so many people embraced his message of limited government (except in the cases of women and queers).

“Brush fires of liberty were ignited,” he said, “and those will carry on, as will I.” BrushMore »


Who Will Win The GOP Butt Caucus?

We all know the GOP candidates are asses, but who’s the best ass of them all? More »


Great Moments In Bullshit And General Awfulness From The Seventh GOP Debate

Bullshit abounds in the first Trumpless debate. More »


Rand Paul Gets Booted From Prime Time Debate, Decides To Be Petulant About It

Rand Paul and Carly Fiorina have both been bumped from Thursday’s prime-time Fox Business-hosted presidential campaign debate, and instead of acting, you know, presidential about it, Paul has opted to get petulant. Fox moved Paul and Fiorina to the “undercard” debate, but Paul, affronted by having to play by the same rules asMore »


Rand Paul: If You Give Kids Free College Tuition, They’ll Want Free Shoes And Makeup

Rand Paul is not very fond of Bernie Sanders’ plan to provide free tuition to state colleges. Which is not surprising at all really, given that he’s a Republican who happens to be especially fond of the works of Ayn Rand and Murray Rothbard. Not surprising at all.

But, it’s always fun to… More »


Rand Paul Suggests LGBT People Just Stay In The Closet If They Don’t Want Workplace Discrimination

Rand Paul is an idiot who needs to stop sharing his thoughts out loud. More »


The 12 Most Galling Moments Of The CNN GOP Debate

Oh man. If I hadn’t known better, I literally would have thought that last night’s GOP debate was an improv exercise in which each candidate was required to say something more horrible than the last. Unfortunately, it was real, and one of these vicious idiots is going to be an actual nominee for President of the… More »


Let’s Get Ready To Play GOP Debate BINGO!

Hey-o!!! Tonight, the Republican primary circus is rolling into Cleveland, and 10 of the party’s most promising contenders will tumble out of the clown car and onto the stage for the first GOP debate! More »


Senate Democrats Block Bill To Defund Planned Parenthood

Senate Democrats gathered enough support to block a Republican attempt to defund Planned Parenthood. The bill, S.1881, garnered 53 votes in favor and 46 in opposition, falling short of the 60 votes needed for it to pass.

The entire thing was a waste of time, anyhow: President Obama has voiced his support for… More »


Hillary Ahead Of Voldemort In Presidential Popularity Polls, Behind Darth Vader And Terminator

So which presidential candidate is currently leading in the polls, you wonder? That would be “the Terminator” — presumably the T-1000 model — followed closely by Darth Vader. More »


The Trials And Tribulations Of Hemp In America

Today is Earth Day and Monday was 4/20, which means we’re smack in the middle of a confluence of fascinating issues; specifically, issues surrounding hemp, America’s needlessly illegal and potentially ecologically beneficial agricultural phantom. Scientists, farmers, retailers, and even growing numbers of American lawmakers across the political spectrum know that hemp and marijuana are chemically and… More »


Rand Paul’s New Douchebro BFF Once Threw A Porn Star Off A Roof

You know who’s just the worst? Rand Paul. Rand Paul is terrible. Also, Rand Paul’s friends are terrible, because terrible people often hang out together, ostensibly because no one else can stand them.

Anyway, Rand Paul’s new BFF is this dude Dan Bilzerian, who is known for a number of incredibly douchey sounding things like… More »


Rand Paul Gets Mansplain-y, Tells Female Anchor How To Interview Him

If you needed any more proof that Rand Paul is definitely the guy in your Philosophy 101 class who wore shirts and ties every day and would just not shut up and let the professor continue the goddamned lesson because he had some qualms with Kant’s categorical imperative and felt like it would be a good time… More »


Rand Paul RTs Picture Of Aurora Shooter With Photoshopped “I Stand With Rand” Sign

Well, I can’t think of a better way to announce that Rand Paul is running for president than this photoshopped picture that he accidentally retweeted of Aurora movie theater shooter James Holmes holding an “I Stand With Rand” sign.

Apparently, in advance of his announcement that he intends to run for president and “take… More »


Watch Elizabeth Warren Bust Rand Paul’s Balls While Asking About Vaccines

Certified bad ass Elizabeth Warren took some time out of a Senate hearing today to have a lovely chat with Anne Schuchat, the CDC’s director of the National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases about the basic facts of vaccines. Warren asked her a series of questions–including, delightfully, whether or not vaccines cause “profound mental disorders” More »


Republican Senator Rand Paul Wants To Stop Moms On Welfare From Having More Babies

“Maybe we have to say ‘enough’s enough, you shouldn’t be having kids after a certain amount … I don’t know how you do all that because then it’s tough to tell a woman with four kids that she’s got a fifth kid we’re not going to give her any more money. But we have to… More »


The 8 Jerks Who Opposed The Violence Against Women Act

Were you running low on haterade? Not sure where to direct your unfettered ragecakes? Gather round, I’ve got someplace to direct your vitriol! Meet the eight senators who opposed the Violence Against Women Act. These not so great eight are sending a not-so-subtle message to the womenfolk of the world — something along the… More »


Politician Asks If Women Can Have Abortions, Why Can’t He Have A Super-Toilet?

“I’m all for energy conservation … [But] I think there should be some self-examination from the administration on the idea that you favor a woman’s right to an abortion, but you don’t favor a woman or a man’s right to choose what kind of lightbulb, what kind of dishwasher, what kind of washing machine.”
More »