I consider myself a bit of a celebrity sex tape connoisseur. Watching celebrities have sex for real, kind of reminds me that they’re human, just like the rest of us. Seeing celebrities use the toilet would probably have the same effect, but it’s not as fun. Anyway, here are the top eight you should really know about, where you might find them if they were carried in a video store, and some key tidbits in order to increase your potential to be a good dinner party guest. Because people LOVE to talk about celebrity sex tapes over tuna casserole, trust me.

1. “One Night In Paris” starring Paris Hilton & Rick Solomon
Where To Find It: Next to “The Blair Witch Project”, filed under “night vision goggles” and “totally overrated.”
Best Scene: Paris literally texts away on her Sidekick while Solomon has his way with her.

You don’t have to throw out your Space Jam soundtrack! After six years, two stalled trials due to medical emergencies, and an impossible hunt for jurors who have never watched MTV,  R. Kelly was amazingly acquitted of 14 counts of child pornography.  The Chicago courtroom hummed with the rhythm of Robert Kelly’s Church-like chants of “Thank you, Jesus!” as he was declared innocent of raping his goddaughter.  The singer/songwriter, who has beat more than just a bad rap, hugged his four lawyers. The defense dream team found a big hole in the prosecution’s case: no mole. R. Kelly has one that’s about a square inch on his back.  In the sex tape, no mole appeared to be visible. R&B’s R. Kelly is free—his only crime? Creating Trapped in A Closet.  But alas Hip Hoperas aren’t punishable by law, or Beyoncé would have already been in the clink for Carmen.  [CNN]

In our minds, R. Kelly’s 22-Chapter “Trapped In The Closet” series is right up there among great rock operas like The Who’s “Tommy” and Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”. His ability to rhyme words that technically don’t rhyme is unparalleled. His imagination knows no bounds, otherwise we’re pretty sure Chapter 10 wouldn’t have featured a midget soiling himself. But a writer for the Broward-Palm Beach New Times reminds us that it’s Kelly’s other works which feature some of his best sexual metaphors, citing such masterful lines as this one, from 2007’s “Sex Planet” (Double Up):

Eat your heart out, Walt Whitman. [Wikipedia: Trapped In The Closet and Broward-Palm Beach New Times]