Tag Archives: r. kelly

You Won’t Believe The Mystery Guest Reciting R. Kelly’s Autobiography

JGL Does R. Kelly
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I’m a tiny bit obsessed with R. Kelly, for a number of reasons. One of them: His epic “Trapped in the Closet” 32-part song and video masterpiece. R. Kelly said that it was like he had made up a whole new genre of music and entertainment, because it was telling a story with words and music. Noooooooooow, just think about that for a minute. Also, he is the guy responsible for bringing the phrase “real talk” into the modern vernacular, so extra credit for that, too. Plus, he’s just clearly so out of his megalomaniacal and bonkers mind. How can you not totally love this dude?

His new autobiography, Soulacoaster: The Diary of Me, is a rollicking ride, to be sure. Which is why it needed a very special person to recite it on “Jimmy Kimmel” this week. Someone like… Keep reading »

R. Kelly Blames “The Notebook” For His Divorce

JGL Does R. Kelly
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Ryan Gosling Sings
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“As the film credits started to roll, I couldn’t move. I burst into tears. People walking past me patted me on the back, trying to console me. ‘The Notebook’ was beautiful, and I was crying because its hero and heroine had died together. But I was also crying because … my marriage had died. And there was nothing I could do to bring it back.”

R. Kelly, on how Ryan Gosling ruined his marriage, as explained in his new memoir Soulacoaster: The Diary of Me. Real talk: I can’t wait to read this book. [via NYMag.com]

Worlds Been Had Colliding: Joseph Gordon-Levitt Covers R. Kelly

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Seriously, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, are you effing with me? I already love you in a creepy, possibly unhealthy way, and then you go and cover R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)” during a performance at Ohio State University. You’re seriously too much, JGL. Too. Much. [Buzzfeed]

8 Celebrity Sex Tapes Not To Miss

I consider myself a bit of a celebrity sex tape connoisseur. Watching celebrities have sex for real, kind of reminds me that they’re human, just like the rest of us. Seeing celebrities use the toilet would probably have the same effect, but it’s not as fun. Anyway, here are the top eight you should really know about, where you might find them if they were carried in a video store, and some key tidbits in order to increase your potential to be a good dinner party guest. Because people LOVE to talk about celebrity sex tapes over tuna casserole, trust me.

1. “One Night In Paris” starring Paris Hilton & Rick Solomon
Where To Find It: Next to “The Blair Witch Project”, filed under “night vision goggles” and “totally overrated.”
Best Scene: Paris literally texts away on her Sidekick while Solomon has his way with her. Keep reading »

R. Kelly Gets Off 14 Times

You don’t have to throw out your Space Jam soundtrack! After six years, two stalled trials due to medical emergencies, and an impossible hunt for jurors who have never watched MTV, R. Kelly was amazingly acquitted of 14 counts of child pornography. The Chicago courtroom hummed with the rhythm of Robert Kelly’s Church-like chants of “Thank you, Jesus!” as he was declared innocent of raping his goddaughter. The singer/songwriter, who has beat more than just a bad rap, hugged his four lawyers. The defense dream team found a big hole in the prosecution’s case: no mole. R. Kelly has one that’s about a square inch on his back. In the sex tape, no mole appeared to be visible. R&B’s R. Kelly is free — his only crime? Creating Trapped in A Closet. But alas Hip Hoperas aren’t punishable by law, or Beyoncé would have already been in the clink for Carmen. [CNN] Keep reading »

The Greatest Erotic Poet Of Our Time: R. Kelly

In our minds, R. Kelly’s 22-Chapter “Trapped In The Closet” series is right up there among great rock operas like The Who’s “Tommy” and Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”. His ability to rhyme words that technically don’t rhyme is unparalleled. His imagination knows no bounds, otherwise we’re pretty sure Chapter 10 wouldn’t have featured a midget soiling himself. But a writer for the Broward-Palm Beach New Times reminds us that it’s Kelly’s other works which feature some of his best sexual metaphors, citing such masterful lines as this one, from 2007′s “Sex Planet” (Double Up):

“Now it’s just us both/I’ve got the controls in the middle of darkness/Girl, relax and just flow/I’m about to twinkle it and touch your soul/Once I enter into your black hole/Girl, now that you’re next to me, we’ll be just like satellites/Watching over the Earth, we’ll make space our paradise/Girl, I promise this will be painless/We’ll take a trip to planet Uranus.”

Eat your heart out, Walt Whitman. [Wikipedia: Trapped In The Closet and Broward-Palm Beach New Times] Keep reading »

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