Let’s start with the good: Jessica Biel‘s subtle, glowy makeup at the NYC “Total Recall” premiere is gorgeous and ethereal, her hair is as close to perfection as it can get with the distracting fringe, love the reptile pumps, and that ring must have cost a grand heap of “Sexy Back” royalties. This look almost — almost — gets it so right, but she had to go and make a goddamn travesty of a lovely dress by throwing on an inexplicable matching lace cape! Whyyyyy, Jessica? Did JT insist? Are you taking a page out of Natalie‘s book and getting married beneath a chuppah directly after the premiere, which would explain the need for covered shoulders? Were you just cold? How cold? Was Colin Farrell cold, too? Do tell.
Tuesday night, Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale showed up for the premiere of their new movie, “Total Recall.” I say new movie, but it’s really a redux of the ’90s classic, which starred Arnold Schwarzeneggar. Several of my friends are “Total Recall” purists, and refuse to see the new one, but whatever, it stars Colin Ferrell, and he’s great. What’s not so great? Jessica Biel’s pocketful Christian Dior dress. It’s slightly boxy, and the retro shape doesn’t really work on her. Plus? There are weird pockets on the boobs, which I suppose are great if you’re constantly losing your keys or something, but they just add to the wrongness of this silhouette. Kate Beckinsale, though? She looks incredible in this snake print-y Armani Privé. Total Hollywood glamor. Yup Jessica, let Kate show you how it’s done.
I’m reluctant to admit this, but facts are facts: you done good, Blake Lively. I have a few bones to pick with the overall look — like, how much better would it have been with a messy updo instead of mermaid waves, or a smoky eye and nude lip, or glossy flesh-toned nails rather than red? — but this dress is devastating, and I mean that in the best way. Of course, I’m still not going to see “Savages.” Is anyone?
Brooklyn Decker wore this mismatch of a Giambattista Valli dress with Blue Nile jewels to the California premiere of her new movie, “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” And while we’d generally be hard-pressed to find anything wrong with gorgeous Brooklyn, it’s undeniable that the top half of this dress does not go with the bottom half. Not only that, it kind of reminds us of the outfits hacky-sack playing girls would wear in college. But is that a problem? For you, it might not be.
Before any of you freak out, please know we have a deep and unabiding love for Mr. Johnny Depp. He’s amazing. He’s friggin’ adorable. And he will always be our number 1 (or 3) crush ever since he starred in the original “21 Jump Street.” But the man is clearly uncomfortable with being People’s Sexiest Man Alive because he mostly dresses like a country hobo just down to the city for a spoon jamboree. This has not in any way lessened our affections for him — nothing really could, not even the horrible “Rum Diaries.” — but take a gander at his sartorial history and tell me he’s not totally effing with us.
We’ve never really heard of Bella Heathcote before, but we do know she’s in the new “Dark Shadows” remake starring opposite Johnny Depp, who will no doubt be channeling some version of Keith Richards. We also know she’s got pretty major bangs, and has yet to offend us sartorially, having picked a very lovely cream frilly thing to wear to the film’s Los Angeles premiere. Good show, Ms. Heathcote, good show!