In “How Not to Make Love Like a Porn Star,” Salon’s Mary Elizabeth Williams sort of suggests that watching too much porn makes you bad in bed. Supposedly, the increasingly widespread availability of adult movies has turned men into a squad of jack-hammering hump machines: “porn has changed men too—what we expect of them, what they demand of themselves.” According to Williams, the modern man has learned from porn that sex is a performance, one featuring freaky sex tricks and little emotional connection. Of course, men are not alone in this indictment. Williams suggests today’s women are behaving like wannabe porn starlets in the sack, too. We’re all porn stars now! Thankfully, Williams is here to remind: “Life’s not like the movies.” Really? Gee, thanks! Maybe the problem isn’t porn, but critics who believe consumers can’t distinguish between fantasy and reality. It’s not the porn. It’s how you see it. [Salon]

Perhaps North Dakota woman Nicole Altendorf was trying to supplement the sex education unit at the local elementary school when she broadcast a porno out the window of her home for all the kiddies to see. As you can imagine, parents, teachers and authorities were less than orgasmic about Nicole’s feature presentation. When the police arrived at her sex den this past Friday, 37-year-old Nicole allegedly bit, spit and kicked an officer in his junk to avoid arrest. Nice judgment, Nicole! But wait! As surprising as it may be, there was also drug paraphernalia found at her house. She may be looking at felony charges of assault, contact by bodily fluids, preventing arrest, and misdemeanor charges of possession of drug paraphernalia and disorderly conduct. But I think the real tragedy here is that she won’t be to be invited to speak at Career Day this year. Now the kids will miss learning about a day in the life of a drug-addicted sex addict—a profession in high demand. [AOL]