You know those stories that are just sad all around, the ones in which no one really wins? The story of former adult actress Janine Lindemulder battling to regain custody of her 5-year-old daughter, Sunny, from Sandra Bullock and Jesse James looks to be one of those stories. Lindemulder was recently released from prison, where she was doing time for tax evasion. Now, she wants custody of her daughter, who has been under the care of Bullock and James. A recent court filing suggests the war over Sunny is getting ugly. The Bullock/James camp points out that Lindemulder is, in addition to being a former porn star, a former substance abuser and a convicted felon. That Lindemulder recently married another convicted felon (who, judging by his tattoos, also looks to be a former gang member) probably doesn’t help her case. It’s hard to imagine that the self-proclaimed broke Lindemulder will have much luck when she goes up against the Hollywood stars’ high-powered legal team. While Sunny may well be better off with her father and step-mother, it’s hard to see a mother fighting for her child, a battle she’ll probably lose because she’s haunted by her tortured past. [GMA]

In “How Not to Make Love Like a Porn Star,” Salon’s Mary Elizabeth Williams sort of suggests that watching too much porn makes you bad in bed. Supposedly, the increasingly widespread availability of adult movies has turned men into a squad of jack-hammering hump machines: “porn has changed men too—what we expect of them, what they demand of themselves.” According to Williams, the modern man has learned from porn that sex is a performance, one featuring freaky sex tricks and little emotional connection. Of course, men are not alone in this indictment. Williams suggests today’s women are behaving like wannabe porn starlets in the sack, too. We’re all porn stars now! Thankfully, Williams is here to remind: “Life’s not like the movies.” Really? Gee, thanks! Maybe the problem isn’t porn, but critics who believe consumers can’t distinguish between fantasy and reality. It’s not the porn. It’s how you see it. [Salon]

With titles like “When Harry Ate Sally,” “ET: The Extra Testicle,” and “The Bare Bitch Project,” it’s no wonder porn has a bad wrap. But, not all porn is of the absurd nature. In fact, porn’s intimidating nature is disintegrating and actually more and more women are seeking it out—to invigorate their sex lives.

Who needs to be a slutty cop or a trampy pirate for Halloween when you can trick-or-treat as the bane of John McCain’s existence? Hustler magazine is gifting their lucky customers with the scariest fright mask of all: a cardboard face mask of adult film actress Lisa Ann, star of the Sarah Palin porn, “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?” What you and “Todd” choose to do with the former governor of Alaska‘s likeness in bed is up to you. But we at The Frisky kindly request you behave like a proper young lady and refrain from sullying Mrs. Palin’s good name. [The Sexist]

You know, sometimes my parents get on my nerves, but I am really glad they never badgered me into going into porn. This mom (I think, unless “Tara” is a dude’s name) seems to think her daughter is passing up her golden opportunity to make loads of cash fast by, you know, f**king for a living. You see, she “wants” more for her child, who “has no real talent outside of her looks” and isn’t going to college. How supportive! [BuzzFeed]

Once upon a time, porn stars aspired to cross over to the mainstream. Now, Hollywood actresses aspire to become porn stars. Actress, model, and single-handed supporter of the Lucite stripper shoe industry Shauna Sand is the latest Tinseltown pseudo-star with a sex tape. Vivid Video, the adult movie industry’s leading production company and the force that brought the world the Kim Kardashian sex tape, says it’s preparing to release “Shauna Sand Exposed” on Oct. 19. Meanwhile, Sand is protesting to anyone who will listen that, yes, she made an X-rated home video with her boyfriend, but “I certainly didn’t sign off on this and Vivid has no right to put it out.” Sand is no shrinking violet. She’s appeared in Playboy sans clothes already. But is this really a “homemade sex tape”? Judging by the trailer, the lighting, the angles, and the fact that Sand keeps looking at the damn camera, it looks like this video was made for the sole purpose of selling it. The release is timed to coincide with the debut of “Leave It to Lamas,” which costars Lorenzo Lamas, Sand’s ex-husband. In Hollywood, the best revenge turns a profit.

To be perfectly honest, I haven’t been following the national health care debate all that closely. Not, that is, until I heard what adult actress Sasha Grey had to say about it. Sure, Obama’s views are important, but what does a porn star think? That’s what I wanted to know. Here, care of our boys at Asylum, Sasha chats health care with a guy from “Human Giant” pretending to be Bob Guccione. Then the pizza guy shows up. I think I need a shower. [Asylum]

A nude photograph of Brooke Shields taken when she was 10 (yes, 10!) was removed from a London exhibit this week after Kidscape, an anti-child-abuse activism group in the U.K., declared it a “magnet for pedophiles.” Whoa … back up. Brooke Shields? Kiddie porn? How? Artist Richard Prince’s piece of Shields was set to be part of the “Pop Life: Art in a Material World” exhibition at the Tate Modern opening this Thursday. Prince’s infamous piece is a photograph of a photograph (yes, twice removed ... how post-modern) of a heavily made-up 10-year-old Shields originally taken by Garry Gross—shot with the permission of Shields’ mother. Is it weird to anyone else that Shields’ mother would be down with it in the first place? The piece has shown in museums such as the Guggenheim in the past without hoopla, but the Tate Modern removed the pic and shut down the entire room. So what do you think? Kiddie porn or art? [People]

Do Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman have a sex tape? Do I want to know the answer to that question? If there is one, and I’m forced to watch it, can I stab my eyes out afterward? These are the pressing questions of the day. Some random dude in Canada says Kimmel and Silverman made a sex tape when they were “on vacation a few years ago.” Purportedly, they “forgot” the camera, and now a resort employee is shopping the tape. The screen caps show a glimpse of somebody who could be anybody, including one of my exes, on top of someone else who you can’t see at all. Also: These knuckleheads aren’t even together anymore. I remain dubious and horrified. We will continue to bring you more of this terrifying sex tape gone wrong story as it continues to break my will to live. [ZackTaylor]

“I am going to begin an amazing blog based strictly on beauty, fashion and mommy issues…”

—Adult film star-turned-mom Jenna Jameson tweeted her plans to become the next Anna Wintour/Heather Armstrong

“Saved By The Bell” fans: Prepare to have your minds blown. Adding to the too-long list of porn spoofs that have rolled out of Porn Valley as of late, now there’s “Saved By The Bell XXX.” Shockingly, it looks trashy and ridiculous.

“Your favorite characters from Bayside High are 18 and going WILD! Will Zack’s schemes work? Will Slater stop being a girl-crazy Bubba? Will Lisa and Screech hook up? Pick up a copy and find out!!!!!”

A real X-rated masterpiece, surely. Here’s hoping the theme song isn’t stuck in your head all day, as it is mine. Can someone shoot me?

Filament magazine, a for-women-by-women porno from England, ran into a spot of trouble recently. Quite inconveniently, their prudish printer refused to publish pictures of erections for fear of offending their other clients. How rude!  Unfortch, that printer was 30 percent cheaper than other printers, so Filament‘s hands were tied—and not in a good way. But Filament just announced on their blog they were able to sell 328 copies and raise enough money to switch to pricier—and more liberal—printers. Hooray! You catch a preview of Filament‘s second issue online now and order a copy if it strikes your fancy.

I must say, the absolute best part of this story, however, isn’t that the porno mag can now print its peens. It’s how Filament posted a pic of a sexy guy sleeping in bed with a big black warning label over his crotch, which read “MAY OFFEND WOMEN.” Perhaps if you’re a woman who is easily offended by erections, you shouldn’t be looking at porn? [Filament Magazine]

Vampires, virgins, and porn are an obvious trifecta, so it should come as no surprise that a major adult film company, Devil’s Film, is putting out a “Twilight” porn spoof. Mega popular porn star Jenna Haze stars in this hardcore send-up of the emo vampire movie, out Oct. 15 (beating “New Moon”‘s arrival in theaters!). Getting Haze to star in your porn is like getting, oh, Kate Winslet to do your little movie because it gives it instant credibility. As for the plot? No word yet, but something tells me Edward probably shares his blushing Bella with the super horny Cullen clan. [Examiner, Film Drunk]

It was bound to happen. The tabloid news story which has littered the covers of our favorite celeb weekly glossies is now getting even smuttier. “Jon & Kate F**k Eight” will be released by porn company Devil’s Film on Sept. 14 and, strangely enough, it will put a somewhat positive spin on the bitter divorce battle between Jon and Kate Gosselin. “In our movie they go to marriage counseling and come out with the suggestion that maybe they should go out there and bang other people,” explains Devil’s Film sales manager Steve Volpini. “So they do and then it turns out that after they sow their wild oats that they are meant to be together.” How romantic! The movie stars Riley Evans as Kate, Frankie Young as Jon, and Amy Starz, Evie Delatosso, Kristy West, Ashton Pierce, Ralph Long, Jenner, and Alex Gonz in various, er, supporting roles.

I just searched the word “horny” on Twitter (What? It’s lunchtime.) and discovered something interesting. Instead of getting predominantly “I’m so horny, OMG, I need to get laaaaaid”-esque results, I found a plethora of tweets from people advertising that they’re looking to have sex. With you. Now. If you’re into BDSM, that is.

Now that Craigslist has started actively policing the Casual Encounters ads, have people taken their hot and horny business elsewhere, namely Twitter? Most of the ads end up linking back to sexytime “dating” sites like GetItOn.com, which has clearly implemented a new Twitter marketing strategy. Other companies using Twitter to market their “services” include SwingLifestyle.com and Cams.com, which features “live” web cam porn. But what about users operating on their own? One user, “3xgayLA”—who describes himself as “hung”—is looking for a “horny bottom,” but then links back to a Craigslist ad, which features proof of, um, just how hung he is.

Unless you’ve been sleeping under a rock for the last couple of years, you may have noticed an uptick in adult movie spoofs. From “30 Rock” to “The Cosby Show,” no show is sacred when it comes to X-rated remakes of popular sitcoms and movies. But why are movies like “Not the Bradys XXX” the “new gold rush in porn”? According to one director, it’s not the sex that’s the ticket; it’s the humor. (Yeah, right.) And what sacred TV cow does he want to take hardcore next? “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.” Yowza. [Newsweek]