Chelsea Handler serves up some sass with that ass on the cover of Playboy! Put it in our stocking, Santa? [Playboy]

Is nothing sacred? Marge Simpson graces the cover of the November issue of Playboy magazine. Where’s Homer? [TMZ]

• Kelly Bensimon of “The Real Housewives of New York City” is slated to appear in the December issue of Playboy. [Dlisted]—Are lopsided breasts a fetish now?
• Villagers in the town of Pataudi near Delhi have accused Julia Roberts of interrupting one of their most important religious festivals, Navratri, with the filming of “Eat, Pray, Love” at their temple. [BBC]—I don’t really know how things go in this village, but I’d assume the temple officials (if there are any) would have known when the filming would occur before agreeing.
• Sylvester Stallone, like a lot of other celebrities, is tinier than he tries to portray. Check him out next to his children. [City Rag]

Here a vampire, there a vampire. “Twilight.” “True Blood.” “The Vampire Diaries.” These days, you can’t leave the house without running into another bloodsucker. Now, Playboy magazine has jumped on the bloodthirsty bandwagon with their new October issue. The cover is a pulp fiction tribute to hot girl-on-girl throat-bleeder action, starring Playmates Kasia Danysz and Weronika Zurkowska. Inside, the magazine explores the finer nuances of 21st century vampire life, including “why the undead are hot again.” You’ve come a long way, Dracula. [io9]

Of all the bunnies in the Playboy mansion, Holly Madison reigned supreme through most of the 2000s. Everyone’s favorite “Girl Next Door” and “Dancing with the Stars” contestant was Hugh Hefner’s primary girlfriend for six years, and many speculate that she broke his heart when they broke up, she moved out and then started dating Criss Angel soon after. But in the latest issue of Life & Style magazine, Holly reveals that she was always insecure about her looks—and that her insecurities shot to a whole new level when she started dating Hef. Hence, that was when she opted for plastic surgery. She says she was sensitive about her smallish chest (“I always stuffed my bra. In fact, I had a boyfriend for years, and we moved so slowly. We didn’t have sex for a long time because I had to gradually bring down my bra size so he wouldn’t find out”), but didn’t decide to get implants until after she moved into the mansion in 2001. In 2003, she had her nose done because “it photographed really big in front of my face. If I wanted to do anything in the entertainment industry, I needed to get it fixed.”

This quote really sticks out to me: “Living with Hef brought down my self-esteem a lot. I was comparing myself to the other girls…You have to look a certain way at the mansion.” [Life & Style via NY Daily News]

Those much-talked-about photos of Heidi Montag in Playboy have finally hit the web. While they are pretty tame, considering, you know, she’s not exactly naked in them, I wouldn’t exactly describe them as “chaste” either. In the pics, she lolls about on a bed, reclines near a fireplace, stares blankly out a window. With her top off. Or her bottom off. It’s like the usual Playboy fare—but without all the naughty bits. Personally, I find them somewhat depressing. Remember those early seasons of “The Hills,” when Heidi was a sassy back-talker who dropped men like so much tissue? In this layout, she looks like a sad, over-posed Barbie doll. In other words, the wet dream of Spencer Pratt. Shudder. [Hollyscoop]

It’s always so shocking—shocking, I tell you!—when it turns out that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been telling not-truths yet again. I expect so much more from my reality TV stars! Truth, honesty, and an ability to eat really gross food-like items. In any case, remember that Heidi Montag naked in Playboy spread that we told you about? That “The Hills” duo has been yapping about, like, for-ev-uh? Well, as it turns out, Heidi’s not even naked in it. All six glossy pages of the female half of Speidi are totally PG. Purportedly, the instructions given to the magazine (by who, her vagina wrangler?) were: “No nipples, no vagina, no a**.” You can’t make this stuff up, people. I mean, if you’re going to go Playboy, don’t you think you should, like, go there? [TMZ]

“[Playboy] has definitely changed my life—or maybe I should say it has shaped me. When I was shopping for my boobs, I wanted the best, so I sat down and flipped through a bunch of Playboys.”

—Heidi Montag in the September issue of, you guessed it, Playboy

Heidi Montag debuted the Playboy cover that made her half a million dollars on the red carpet of the “G.I. Joe” premiere last night. The soon-to-hit-newsstands September issue of the magazine features “The Hills” star dressed in a white bikini, covered in mud with the bunny symbol traced on her stomach. This is the first of two issues upon which she’ll grace the front page. She did the shoot as a wedding present for the Spence.

Of course, since we’re talking about Speidi, there’s drama. Montag claims that inside the fold of the magazine, she held onto her good Christian values and refrained from posing completely nude. But other sources say she totally got nakey. So we’ll just have to wait a few more days until the official release to find out who’s telling the truth. [NY Post]

• Spencer Pratt showed off Heidi Montag-Pratt‘s September Playboy cover while at the “G.I. Joe” premiere. [Us Weekly]—Seriously, who does that?
• Milla Jovovich has revealed one of her attractions to fiancé and film director Paul Anderson—his Newcastle, England upbringing and the town’s fish and chips specialty. [People]—I can’t wait to see photos of their Aug. 22 wedding.
• Sienna Miller has admitted she feels “foolish” for how she handled her relationship with Balthazar Getty. [OK! UK]—We’ve all been there, but I’m sure it’s much worse when you’re in the public eye.

Want workout and nutritional advice from Heidi Montag? (How very Elizabeth Hasselbeck of her.) Yeah me neither. But apparently Mrs. Pratt doesn’t care what we want—she’s once again unleashing her Playboy-rific bod on the world in a new workout DVD. The plan is to also offer such unheard of and novel nutritional advice like: Avoid all “white” foods, fill up on lean meats, green veggies, apples, berries, blah blah blah.  (Oh, and for the record, “Heidi loves steak!”—only if it’s grass-fed, though.) I wonder if she’ll recommend her plastic surgeon along with all this talk of 90 minute five day-a-week workouts? [People]

At a recent Playmate of the Year party, Hugh Hefner fessed up that he can’t actually tell his new twin girlfriends, Kristina and Karissa Shannon, apart. “I have one little trick, one has a little mark,” he said, motioning to his neck. “Other than that, I don’t know.” It sounds like that’s not the only thing Hef didn’t know. Both of these twins also have an arrest record. Oops.

To be honest Hef, we can’t tell them apart either. I never thought I would care, but I kinda miss the old “Girls Next Door” with their adorable quirks and distinct personalities. A friend of mine was at the mansion earlier this month and said Hef looked miserable. Maybe he misses Holly Madison? But then again, Hef didn’t ask our opinion. After the jump, a run-down on Kristina and Karissa.

Whether she’s marrying the despicable Spencer Pratt on “The Hills,” crying in the middle of the Costa Rican rainforest on “I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here” or, you know, just existing, Heidi Montag sure knows how to get attention. In her next endeavor, she’ll be appearing in the September issue of Playboy. Like every other description of a spread in Playboy, a source told People that the photos are nude, but “tasteful.” In all honesty, if the photos appear to be anywhere near as awkward as her video for “Higher,” the alleged half million dollars Playboy is spending on this shoot will be totally worth it. Also, is this what Heidi meant when she said she wanted to be the next Mother Teresa? [People]

On yesterday’s episode of “The View,” Elisabeth Hasselbeck responded to the Playboy.com article written by Guy Cimbalo that listed her as one of the conservative women he’d like to “hate f**k.” I don’t blame her for being offended—I would pitch a fit if, say, Rush Limbaugh said he wanted to hate f**k me—but her annoyance that the National Organization for Women didn’t immediately respond (in fact, they didn’t know) is misplaced. After all, they have bigger fish to fry right now, like the murder of doctors like Dr. George Tiller.

Playboy.com posted a story yesterday called “So Right It’s Wrong,” about the conservative women writer Guy Cimbalo wanted to “hate f**k”; it’s since been removed. After the story was posted, the blogosphere, particularly female bloggers, had a complete meltdown, with some calling for a boycott. Playboy took a kick to the balls and responded in an appropriately wimpy fashion by taking down the article. So what was so offensive? Our own Susannah Breslin writes over at Double X:

“It’s a listicle that eviscerates every conservative female that crossed Cimbalo’s radar as someone who was at least in some regard physically attractive and yet whose personal politics he found to be utterly loathsome. The list includes Michelle Malkin, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Laura Ingraham, and Peggy Noonan.

On Malkin: ‘Worse than f**king Ava Braun.’ On Ingraham: ‘Vagina dentata would be an improvement.’ On Noonan: ‘Imagine f**king your grandmother. Now imagine your grandmother coined the phrase ‘a thousand points of light.’ It’s worse than that.’”

If there’s one thing we’ve learned during the recession, it’s that sex still sells. Sex workers are pulling in the big bucks, the online porn business is booming, and the sex toy industry is thriving. The only person not reaping the rewards? Hugh Hefner. Playboy has hit a major slump, reporting a loss of $13.7 million this quarter as advertising dipped 26 percent. The magazine is considering raising their $5.99 cover price and reducing the frequency and circulation of the magazine. Interestingly, the magazine represents less than a quarter of the company’s total revenue, which has insiders speculating that Hefner will offset its losses and keep it afloat despite its decline. Regardless, major changes are in store. Last week, we told you that photographer Terry Richardson shot a recent cover, giving the magazine some much needed edge, and this week Heidi Montag Pratt confirmed she’ll be posing for the magazine, all in hopes of boosting newsstand sales.

Last week, Tyra Banks said she’s trying to expand the idea of what the fashion industry considers beautiful. According to her, black models with lighter skin are deemed more commercial, whereas darker-skinnned black models are considered more high fashion. We’ve noticed this phenomenon holds true when a woman’s “hotness” is being judged, too.