I liked being Jewish. I just hated my face. I wanted desperately to like my face better. I’d spent too many years laughing with my hand over my nose because I thought it looked even bigger when my face was happy. Stupid, right? It’s amazing, in retrospect, the things we are tormented by.
When I was a little girl, I thought I’d grow up to look like a queen—exotic, powerful, with a strong, regal profile. Queen Thayet, in Tamora Pierce’s The Immortals series, had a hawk nose and she was the most beautiful woman in the world! Why not me? I had a hawk nose! I figured I would be decent at ruling a kingdom, too.
But then when I was 14 a girl told me I needed to get my face fixed. She said she had a friend whose daddy could do it because he was a rich plastic surgeon. She said that if I went to him he’d make me pretty.
The things kids say! Keep reading »
Found on YouTube: (almost as disturbing as that fake doctor who injected people with cement and superglue) a possibly real video of a woman with butt implants gone terribly wrong. Yeah, I don’t think any implant is supposed to be able to do a somersault in your body. That’s worrisome. The video, originally posted on WorldStarHipHop.com, is accompanied by the following message:
“Ladies do not ever do silicone butt injections they are toxic to your body. Butt implants are not any better, too many risk, infection, displacement of the implant and they feel like rocks not to mention look very unnatural … Here is what happens when implants go bad.. This is my personal experience I almost died from this surgery and am having them removed this Thursday.”
You don’t have to tell me twice. Done and done, anonymous butt lady. No implants for me. If this video is not a hoax, I wish this woman and her butt a swift recovery from this botched implant fuckery. [The Gloss]
Once upon a time, a man in northern China named Jian Feng married the girl of his dreams, and soon his beautiful wife gave birth to a baby girl. And that’s where this fairytale ends, because Feng took one look at his newborn daughter and declared that she was extraordinarily ugly. Since Feng believed that his ridiculously good-looking DNA could never have contributed to a less-than-lovely child, he accused his wife of cheating on him. Now here’s where the story goes from depressing to crazy: Feng’s wife hadn’t cheated on him, but she had concealed another soap opera-worthy secret. Apparently before she met her would-be husband, she had undergone $100,000 worth of plastic surgery to alter her appearance. Feng was so enraged with this turn of events that he filed for divorce and sued her for the equivalent of $120,000 for convincing him to marry her under false pretenses. And here’s where the story goes from crazy back to depressing: Feng won the case.
Aaaaannd I need a drink. [Planet Ivy via Neatorama]
If there’s a lesson to be learned from Jami Lynn Toler, the Arizona woman accused of faking cancer to raise money for breast implants, it’s that some things are just not worth doing for fake boobs. The 27-year-old told her grandmother, her boss and dozens of other friends and family members that she needed money to get a double mastectomy and breast reconstruction surgery. She even went so far as to set up fake fundraisers and an online donation page. Toler raised $8,300, which she used to pay for her new pair of boobs. No, there was no cancer involved. It was a lie. For her crime, she was sentenced to a year in jail, three years probation and she will have to pay the victims back. Hmmm. Accepting you natural boobs or facing incarceration? I choose natural boobs! [NY Daily News]
Toler’s not the only woman who has done something incredibly stupid just to get implants. Click on to see what other dumb things women have done for bigger breasts. Ladies, so not worth it!
Apparently, there’s a big debate going on in THE WORLD about the state of Coco’s caboose. Put your mind at ease. She insists her ass is 100 percent real. It’s just gotten bigger because she has hit the ripe old age of 32 and she’s getting bigger in all the right places. Lucky her. Her ass realness is confirmed by the official “Doctors” jiggle test (a thinly veiled excuse for everyone to stare at her ass). I can’t believe Tyra Banks didn’t think of the jiggle test first. I guess she was too busy tooching.
So that settles it. Coco’s butt is real because it’s jiggly like her breast implants and not hard like those weird, silicone butt implants and because it has its own personality. But before large booties were the big thing in Hollywood, Coco suffered with that behind of hers. People called her fat. Her own grandmother tried to smother that thing by putting a girdle on her when she was only nine years old. If only granny could see her now. [WOW]
File under: total nightmares. [ONTD]