You know what I love about the Olympics? (Besides the brawn, the insane mastery of skill, and the bringing together of so many countries in a peaceful display of healthy competition, of course.) The clingy, tight, flesh-grazing, aerodynamic fabrics of so many of the uniforms. Yes, that’s what it is…
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Thieves stole a man’s penis while he slept, according to police.
Fei Lin, 41, of the Niqiao village near Wenling City, in east China’s Zhejiang province, told police he was asleep when the thieves burst into his room and put a bag over his head, according to CEN/EUROPICS and as reported in the Daily Star.
“They put something over my head and pulled down my trousers and then they ran off,” Lin said. “I was so shocked I didn’t feel a thing – then I saw I was bleeding and my penis was gone.” Read more …
What you are looking at is not a tank full of dismembered members. Behold the urechis unicinctus, a species of spoon worm also known as the Fat Inkeeper Worm or the penis fish. Instead of burrowing in vagina like human penis, these Fat Worms like to bury themselves in sand or mud. If you visit Japan, Korea or China you can have the great pleasure of feasting on the penis fish. Don’t you want to? Don’t you? Well, at the very least, you probably want to watch the video again. And because I know you’ll enjoy getting to know these spoon worms better, I’ve included another video of penis fish just being penis fish. Check it out after the jump. [Buzzfeed]
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Men, how do you know you’re well-endowed? Oh, when your penis is mistaken for a weapon of mass destruction. Jonah Falcon, the man presumed to have the world’s largest penis (although Guinness World Records has not been down in his pants to confirm), aroused suspicion at the San Francisco International Airport when passing through security.
At nine inches flaccid and 13.5 inches at full mast, it’s not surprising that airport security suspected his “very noticeable” bulge might have been an explosive device. “I had my ‘stuff” strapped to the left. I wasn’t erect at the time … One of the guards asked if my pockets were empty and I said, ‘Yes.’ I said, ‘It’s my d**k.’ He gave me a pat down … They even put some powder on my pants, probably a test for explosives. I found it amusing,” said the 41-year-old New Yorker. Falcon joked that next time he’s “just going to wear bike shorts” when traveling. Great idea, Jonah! Click on through to see more of the most amazing d**ks that have ever existed. [Mirror UK]
Before things get awkward here, I feel the need to make a disclaimer that talk of Michael Fassbender’s penis (or him in general) does not come without an acknowledgement of the horrific domestic violence charges that were brought against him by an ex-girlfriend and later dropped. I take these charges seriously and they indeed color my view of Mr. Fassbender. You may read more about the details here.
That being said: I am here to talk about amateur drawings of his penis. I saw Michael Fassbender’s dong (heretofore referred to as Fassdong) ever so briefly in “Shame.” Although I didn’t commit Fassdong to memory, I just remember it was very large. So large, that my friend who I saw the movie with and I still discuss it occasionally. Some seem to believe that Ridley Scott’s latest film, “Prometheus,” used the legend of the Fassdong to distract people from the fact that the film sucked. I haven’t seen it yet, so I’m in no position to weigh in. Vice Magazine, wondering how many people would see a movie solely for the fame of its lead penis, challenged audience members at the London premiere of the film to draw their own version of Fassdong. Click through to see some of the NSFW results.
Colorado man, Kenneth Dejoie, got more than a roast beef sandwich when he visited his local Arby’s two years ago. Dejoie claims that he was “utilizing the urinal in the men’s restroom when it caused a jet of steam to shoot forth from the urinal and burn his genitals.” When he reported the incident to one of the employees he responded with “This happens when the sink in the kitchen is running.” That answer didn’t satisfy the man with the scalded sausage, so he decided to sue the fast food chain. He is seeking damages for financial losses, for not being able to have sex with his wife and for their all-around crappy food. I just added that last part. Something about the color of their roast beef has never seemed right to me. Now I understand why: They cook it in the urinal. We hope Dejoie and his penis get the compensation they deserve. Keep on clicking to hear about more really insane penis accidents. [CBS Denver]
According to an article in the Metro UK, the traditional Croatian penis warmer is making a comeback. C**k socks, which were originally worn by shepherds to protect against penile frostbite during long horse rides, are regaining popularity. There’s a stag film in there somewhere. Anyhow, professional knitter, Radmila Kus decided to resurrect (or reserect?) the penis warmer, which she makes to measure. “I used to make slippers for tourists but these willy warmers are so popular I just can’t keep up,” Radmila says. She even plans to make one for President Obama. I wonder if he’s already given her his, uh, measurements. It doesn’t seem like most modern men would need a c**k sock, per se,even in the harshest weather conditions, but hey, Radmila’s creations look like a lot of fun. And I enthusiastically endorse pointless trends if I find them amusing enough. So that’s a YES for me. C**k warmers are the new must-have dickessory. Click through to see some more fun penis warmers for his longest horse rides. [Metro UK]
I love when technology is put to really good use. In Brazil, it is now possible for men to piss in a musical toilet. The Guitar Pee uses special electronic tabs to release chords when splashed with urine. It even records the piss music and makes it into an MPee3 that you can listen to. And there you have it — inventing at its best. My only question: Will they an equivalent for women? I’m sure we’d all appreciate our own opportunity to make beautiful music with our urine. Until then, I’m investing in pee cones. Click though to see more of the world’s weirdest urinals. [TheFW]
Knitting is not just for nice folks anymore. Some people are using their needles to make naughty bits. I was delighted by this collection of hand-knit uteruses in unexpected places. Who says a womb can’t play piano? This uterus virtuoso is just the beginning. Click away to see what can be done with yarn, needles and a dirty mind. (Warning: some of these crafts might be considered NSFW.)
We still feel that Michael Fassbender and his penis were robbed of an Oscar nom for their work in “Shame.” I mean, come on, their performances were unprecedented! Even Charlize Theron agrees. “Your penis was a revelation. I’m available to work with it any time,” she joked at a recent Human Rights Campaign gala. “I have to say that I was truly impressed that you chose to play it big … Most other actors would have gone small, trust me. I know because I’ve worked with them,” Theron went on. Since its full frontal appearance in the film, Fassbender’s member has gained notoriety in Hollywood for its largesse. Sexiest Man Alive, George Clooney even sounded slightly jealous. He followed up Theron’s endorsement of Fassbender’s peen with a joke about him being able to play golf with his “hands tied behind his back.” Now that’s talent! Click through for more legendary celebrity members. [People]