Hello, Larry Hardin. That’s a very clever pen name, by the way. I hope you like mine as well. It was chosen specifically for this occasion. SO. I read your piece on Thought Catalogue about the 5 Best Compliments Your Dick Has Ever Gotten and wow, is your penis really 11 inches long? OK. And you’re not a porn star because? Oh, never mind. I have a few honest thoughts, feelings and concerns I feel I must share with you. You know, from a female perspective. Because I don’t want you to go through life harboring any more delusions about your HUGE DICK or your abilities in the sack. The truth is: A confident man doesn’t need cock stroking. He knows he has a nice one and we know he knows. Hate to burst your hard on but the only time I’ve ever given a man’s dick a compliment was when he was clearly insecure about his and I wanted to big him up, if you will. Below, you will see that I’ve highlighted a few more points of contention from your piece of cockbraggery and responded in kind. I truly hope this helps. Keep reading »
I appreciate what PETA does, but when they take it too far, they really take it too far. They recently sent a letter to the founder of the National Buffalo Wing Festival warning them that they should ban pregnant women from eating wings because scientific evidence suggests that the sons of pregnant women who consume chicken are more likely to have significantly smaller penises. The culprit? Chemical compounds called phthalates, which are found in poultry. Keep reading »
Dear Huang Jianjun,
I know you take your ghostbusting extremely seriously. Killing ghosts has been your passion since you saw “Ghostbusters” in the ’80s. I’ve always wanted to be supportive of you and your dreams, so I refrained from telling you that I thought your idea to start a ghostbusting business was absurd. What can I say? I was tired of you sitting around all day watching watching succubus porn and drinking Mountain Dew, so I lied and told you to start your business. I wanted that imprint of your ass off my couch. I realize now that was a mistake. You used your business as an excuse to have sex with an unsuspecting woman. And here I was believing that we never had sex anymore because you weren’t “attracted to sentient beings.” Ha! What a fool I was. I suppose you were lying about not being able to get it up because of your diabetes too. Keep reading »
Lolwhat. Allow me to present to you Benefit’s new “Real Men Don’t Fake It” video spot, feat. some bulges, babes, and Vinny of “Jersey Shore” infamy doing… yoga? And all this for mascara! Not safe for work, my friends, not safe for work. (All said, that mascara is pretty fucking great… but big dick great? Not so sure.) [via Jezebel]
Last week, the girls of College Humor had a “boner” to pick with HBO about their lack of dongs. Whether they show them “in between the boobs” or on their own, they plead with the network to show us “an inch of grade A man meat” for every pair of breasts. A fair request. The good news is that the “True Blood” season six finale delivered some dong. Sure, it was a blink-and-you-miss-it glimpse of Alexander Skarsgard’s flaccid, flaming penis. But still, with the magic of slow mo, we saw it in all of its uncircumcised glory. It’s a step in the right direction. Click through for a SFW retrospective of all the love sticks we’ve seen on HBO. [Beasts of Man]
Click here for NSFW version.
Dear I’m Too Kind To Use Your Real Name,
I am writing this letter because I’m hoping I can prevent you from ever sending another unsolicited picture of your naked penis to another human being again for the rest of your life. When I clicked on an email in my inbox with the subject line “need some advice,” I wasn’t expecting to see FOUR pictures of a stranger’s penis. I get a fair number of emails from readers and sometimes they want advice (not that I’m qualified to give any), and so I had no reason to believe that your email would be so wildly inappropriate.
In your email, you asked me for advice about products to make your penis larger. You complained that it’s “quite short” and “very skinny” and that when it gets erect it only gets slightly bigger and not much thicker. And then, anonymous dick pic sender, you gave me measurements. Measurements! I mean, really?
After I picked my jaw up off the floor — I didn’t want my face to remain in Exasperated Snarl Expression for the rest of my life — my attention was drawn to perhaps the most puzzling line in your email: ” I was going to send you pictures of when I have an erection but it is quite embarrassing,” you wrote. Keep reading »