“I’m willing to bet his problem is his balls … Balls cause the most bulges. His penis is not going down his pant leg like mine. I prefer constriction myself … As you get older, your balls drop and need support. If it’s his penis that’s causing the problem, he can point it up like European men … He needs to just nod and chuckle, but not answer any questions.”
– Jonah Falcon, the man with the world’s largest penis, gives Jon Hamm unsolicited advice on how to handle his bulge. I just kept reading this over and over again thinking, This isn’t real. Point it up like European men? Is that a thing? I’m dying.I’m sorry Jon Hamm, I know you’ll think I’m rude for posting this, I just couldn’t resist. [Huffington Post]
Bro code rule number one is that if you pass out at a party or a gathering of bros, you have to accept the consequences. The consequences, historically and bro-culturally, are typically that you’ll wake up with a dick or several dicks drawn on your face. It’s not necessarily fair, but thems the rules. So when 31-year-old (!) James Denham Watson got wasted and passed out on the couch while hanging out with his friends, he shouldn’t have been surprised to wake up with a gallimaufry of penises scrawled across his face. Keep reading »
At the tender age of 19, I had only seen a total of four penises: the guy who got into my bed naked after a rave in high school; my boyfriend who I lost my virginity to senior year; the balding dorm mate who I gave an unfortunate blow job to while a James Bond movie played in the background; the older dude I had casual sex with my entire freshman year and most of my sophomore year of college. I had only slept with two of these penises, but this I assure you, all four were of modest size. (I can say this with confidence now that I’m older and have seen many a dick.)
This is where I was at in my sexual evolution when I started dating William*. He lived in my dorm sophomore year and came over sometimes to hang out and wanted to listen to, of all things, Tori Amos. I know! A 19-year-old boy who likes Tori Amos? William’s admission of Tori Amos fandom made him instantaneously more attractive to me. Not that he wasn’t already attractive. With his bleached-blond hair, piercings and post-punk style, when he leaned over and kissed me as “Pretty Good Year” played on my stereo then leaned over and whispered, “I want to fuck you on my balcony,” I felt something I had never experienced before: raging desire. Keep reading »
I read the Malleus Maleficarum in college in my Performativity of Witchcraft course. Yes, that course really existed at NYU, and it was fascinating. It was commonplace in Europe in the 15th and 16th century to blame witches for many things, including stealing male genitalia and hiding them in birds’ nests. I read this as a metaphor, of course, for sex and female power. I never believed that that penises could actually be stolen.
However, according to Louisa Lombard of Pacific Standard, genital snatching is a crime on the rise in Central Africa. When traveling through the small town of Tiringoulou in 2010, Lombard encountered men afraid to so much as shake her hand because of two instances of penis snatching. I’m sure you’re wondering, as I was, how a penis can be snatched right out of a man’s pants. Keep reading »
What’s worse than working a temp job? Having your penis sliced off while working a temp job. Edgardo Toucet of Florida is suing the staffing company that sent him to work at Future Foam where a peeler machine accidentally took off his penis AND balls. Want more details? I’m sure you do. Keep reading »
It’s been brought to our attention that women should be talking more openly about penis size. So, talk openly we shall. We know that when it comes to having good sex, size is not the most important factor. But still, big or small, every size of dick has it’s unique benefits and drawbacks. After the jump, our fair and honest assessment of being with men with long versus short penises. Keep reading »
I am a writer.
Having said that, I ask that you bear in mind how broad that category is. I call myself a writer, and so does Philip Roth. So does my personal public enemy #1, a young woman I met in college who writes lip gloss reviews for a living. My point is that being a writer can mean a wide variety of things, and this week, for me, it meant getting in touch with male porn stars. Or rather, trying and mostly failing to get in touch with male porn stars.
The story started as all good stories do: With a penis. Surely you’ve heard the saying that you can judge a penis just by looking at the feet. Well, the other day I was sitting around bored and aimless, trying to decide what to write, when I started thinking about penises. This happens often, but on this specific occasion, the penises I’d started thinking about were The Penises That I Have Known. (I used CAPS just then because when you write about The Penises That You Have Known, it is important to be respectful.) Anyway, there I was thinking about The Penises That I Have Known, and as I continued thinking about them, I wondered if maybe there wasn’t a story there, a story in investigating whether the saying is true.
Alas: Although I could bring to mind the penises, I couldn’t remember the feet. It occurred to me then that thing to do would be to prove/disprove the idea, not with reference to my own experience, but by using male porn stars. Their penises are available to view, of course, so all I’d have to do was find the shoe size. Keep reading »
A mother in Indonesia confessed to murdering her son because she was concerned that his “small penis” would ruin his future prospects. The 38-year-old drowned the boy in the bathtub, dressed him, laid him on a bed, and went to the authorities to report her crime. She told police that the boy always had a small penis but it “appeared to shrink further” after he was circumcised. The woman is currently undergoing psychological evaluation.
I think I’ll need to undergo a psych eval too after reading this story. Please tell me what’s wrong with people? This is an absolute tragedy. [Raw Story]
Researchers at the University of New South Wales made a disturbing discovery while studying sexual risk behaviors in Australian prisons. They noticed a rise in prisoners with genital skin infections due to bead-like foreign bodies being inserted under the penis.Digging deeper into the phenomenon, the research team discovered that nearly six percent of male prisoners in Queensland and New South Wales were giving themselves these DIY penis implants, the majority of them while they were behind bars. Warning: the details are gruesome, so if you’re eating or weak of stomach, prepare yourself, cross your legs. Keep reading »
A study published in the American Sociological Review found that men who spent more time doing “more traditionally female” household chores like cooking, cleaning, and shopping were found to have less sex than those who didn’t. “The results suggest the existence of a gendered set of sexual scripts, in which the traditional performance and display of gender is important for creation of sexual desire and performance of sexual activity,” said one of the lead researchers. Really? But really? I’m sorry, I respect scientific theory, but I simply can’t think of anything sexier than a man doing the dishes or wielding a mop or cooking dinner for me. Maybe that’s because I believe in household egalitarianism. Performative gender roles be dammed! A man doing “traditionally female” chores is a straight up aphrodisiac. [Newswise]
Click through for a few more studies about things that supposedly make men sexier to us. I’m not sure I can sign off on all of them.