penises - Page 4

The Penis Drawing Machine Makes Dirty Doodling So Much Simpler

Use of Sharpie. Check. Penis and balls. Check. Infantile potty humor. Check. These are all the key components needed for my entertainment. Behold the penis drawing machine, which is exactly what it sounds like: a contraption that doodles dicks with the press of a button. Where was this thing when I was in middle school? More »


5 Tips To Help Get Your Guy To The Finish Line

Having a partner with ejaculation problems is the best thing that ever happened to my sex life. He’s the love of my life and a passionate Duracell bunny of a lover who just keeps going until I’m satisfied, and (obviously, right?) I have no problems with my man’s inability to cum.

But while… More »


Having An Erection That Lasts For 8 Months Sounds Really Awful

“I could hardly dance, with an erection poking my partner … It’s not something you want to bring out at parties and show to friends,” Daniel Metzgar, the 44-year-old New Jersey man who is suing the doctor who gave him a bad penile implant, testified.

Metzgar told jurors that the inflatable prosthesis, given… More »


A Penis In The Garbage Disposal & 9 Other Penis Attacks

Santa Ana, California, woman Catherine Kieu Becker got really mad at her husband Glen for having an “inappropriate relationship” with someone. So mad that she drugged him, tied him to a bed with nylon ropes, and using a 10-inch knife, cut off his penis. She then threw the penis down the garbage disposal and turned… More »


The Man With The 132-Pound Nut Finally Got Scrotum Surgery

Las Vegas man Wesley Warren Jr. made headlines for his unusually large ball. He was trying to raise $1 million to have his more than 100-pound scrotum removed, which is caused by a condition known scrotal elephantiasis. When “The Dr. Oz Show” offered to foot the bill for Warren’s ball surgery, he turned them down saying… More »


The Man With The World’s Longest Penis Has Advice For Jon Hamm

“I’m willing to bet his problem is his balls … Balls cause the most bulges. His penis is not going down his pant leg like mine. I prefer constriction myself … As you get older, your balls drop and need support. If it’s his penis that’s causing the problem, he can point it up like… More »


Bro-On-Bro Violence: When Bros Assault Bros For Drawing Penises On Bros

Bro code rule number one is that if you pass out at a party or a gathering of bros, you have to accept the consequences. The consequences, historically and bro-culturally, are typically that you’ll wake up with a dick or several dicks drawn on your face. It’s not necessarily fair, but thems the rules. So… More »


Jon Hamm’s 8 Most Ballsy Moments

God bless Jon Hamm and his floppy, free-spirited junk. That man’s cock and balls are all over the place and he just doesn’t seem to mind at all. Not that we’re complaining. We enjoy gawking, trying to understand what’s going on his pants.

But apparently the execs at AMC don’t share in our… More »


To Date Or Not To Date: Crazy Facial Hair Edition

After Winona admitted that she was nursing a bit of a crush on a guy with a Spider-Man beard, we thought it might be interesting to hunt down some other examples of crazy facial hair and ponder whether or not we would date these weird-bearded dudes. Click through to check out 15 guys with seriously crazy… More »


Dealbreaker: His Penis Made Me Cry

At the tender age of 19, I had only seen a total of four penises: the guy who got into my bed naked after a rave in high school; my boyfriend who I lost my virginity to senior year; the balding dorm mate who I gave an unfortunate blow job to while a James Bond… More »


What You Need To Know About Penis Snatching

I read the Malleus Maleficarum in college in my Performativity of Witchcraft course. Yes, that course really existed at NYU, and it was fascinating. It was commonplace in Europe in the 15th and 16th century to blame witches for many things, including stealing male genitalia and hiding them in birds’ nests. I read this as… More »


Most Depressing Temp Job Ever Ends With A Man Losing His Penis

What’s worse than working a temp job? Having your penis sliced off while working a temp job. Edgardo Toucet of Florida is suing the staffing company that sent him to work at Future Foam where a peeler machine accidentally took off his penis AND balls. Want more details? I’m sure you do. … More »


Size Matters: Long Penises Vs. Short Penises

It’s been brought to our attention that women should be talking more openly about penis size. So, talk openly we shall. We know that when it comes to having good sex, size is not the most important factor. But still, big or small, every size of  dick has it’s unique benefits and drawbacks. After the… More »


Chinese Woman Applies Moisturizer, Discovers It’s Actually Semen

Oh, is it a WORST NIGHTMARE kind of day? I think it must be, because this is (one of) my actual worst nightmare(s) (I’m neurotic as hell, what can I say): a 19-year-old Chinese woman cracked open a bottle of moisturizer and used much of the contents to, you know, moisturize her face, like womenz… More »


Experiment! In Which I Test The Penis Size/Shoe Size Myth On Male Porn Stars

I am a writer.

Having said that, I ask that you bear in mind how broad that category is. I call myself a writer, and so does Philip Roth. So does my personal public enemy #1, a young woman I met in college who writes lip gloss reviews for a living. My point… More »


Today In Terribleness: Mom Murders Son Because Of “Small Penis”

A mother in Indonesia confessed to murdering her son because she was concerned that his “small penis” would ruin his future prospects. The 38-year-old drowned the boy in the bathtub, dressed him, laid him on a bed, and went to the authorities to report her crime. She told police that the boy always had a… More »


What Your Sexual Fantasy Says About You

Maybe you’re planning to try something special, sexually speaking, this Valentine’s Day. Or maybe you’re a human being and you have sexual fantasies year-round and not just on February 14th. Yes, that sounds more accurate. The fact is no matter what day of the year, most of us have recurring themes in our erotic imaginations. More »


Australian Prisoners Are Giving Themselves DIY Penis Implants Known As “Speed Bumps”

Researchers at the University of New South Wales made a disturbing discovery while studying sexual risk behaviors in Australian prisons. They noticed a rise in prisoners with genital skin infections due to bead-like foreign bodies being inserted under the penis.Digging deeper into the phenomenon, the research team discovered that nearly six percent of male prisoners… More »


6 Things That Supposedly Make Men Sexier

A study published in the American Sociological Review found that men who spent more time doing “more traditionally female” household chores like cooking, cleaning, and shopping were found to have less sex than those who didn’t. “The results suggest the existence of a gendered set of sexual scripts, in which the traditional performance and display… More »


We’re Breaking Up: Drunk Guy Who Had Sex With A Snowman And Got Frostbite

Dear Kenneth Guillespie,

I hate to be the one to say this to you, but it’s time to get sober, buddy. You probably already know this, but it seems like you’ve finally hit “bottom” as they say. You were found half-naked, screaming in agony after attempting to have sex with a snowman. Kenneth,… More »