Dear I’m Too Kind To Use Your Real Name,
I am writing this letter because I’m hoping I can prevent you from ever sending another unsolicited picture of your naked penis to another human being again for the rest of your life. When I clicked on an email in my inbox with the subject line “need some advice,” I wasn’t expecting to see FOUR pictures of a stranger’s penis. I get a fair number of emails from readers and sometimes they want advice (not that I’m qualified to give any), and so I had no reason to believe that your email would be so wildly inappropriate.
In your email, you asked me for advice about products to make your penis larger. You complained that it’s “quite short” and “very skinny” and that when it gets erect it only gets slightly bigger and not much thicker. And then, anonymous dick pic sender, you gave me measurements. Measurements! I mean, really?
After I picked my jaw up off the floor — I didn’t want my face to remain in Exasperated Snarl Expression for the rest of my life — my attention was drawn to perhaps the most puzzling line in your email: ” I was going to send you pictures of when I have an erection but it is quite embarrassing,” you wrote. Keep reading »
You probably know Wesley Warren Jr. as the man with the 132-pound nut. At first Warren didn’t want to undergo surgery for his scrotal lymphedema, but found it to be the best option for his health and safety. After all, wearing an upside-down hoodie to cover your ball in public, watching TV while resting your junk on a milk crate, and having your scrotum overtake your penis to the point that you lose your ability to control your pee is no way to live. Not to mention the severe anemia and depression Warren suffered due to his condition. In April of this year, he finally underwent a 13-hour procedure to remove his giant scrotal mass. Keep reading »
This weekend, 27-year-old Nick Gilronan won the title of “Smallest Penis In Brooklyn” and the $200 prize that came along with it. But don’t be feeling bad for this single UPS store Assistant Manager (who models and acts on the side and technically lives in Queens) for being a “grower, not shower” — not only is he not embarrassed of his manhood, he’s proud as hell of his junk. He’s using his pageant win to speak out about the important of having a good body image. Here’s what he had to say on the matter in an interview with Gothamist:
“The size of a man’s penis does not matter for who he is as a person or in a relationship. Same thing with breast size. We’re all made in different shapes and sizes, but the media puts pressure on people to look a certain way. Most people do not look that way. Some people let that false sense of body image upset them and they shouldn’t be upset at all. Even worse, some people use those false standards and judge other people. It’s disconcerting… My advice for [less endowed men] is don’t worry about things you cannot control. All that does is waste time. Always move forward and do the best you can.”
Keep reading »
When Carole Collen of England found this rare, penis-shaped strawberry growing in her garden, her reaction was disappointment rather than excitement.
“I did think it was a bit small. It would have been nice if it grew a bit bigger,” said the 52-year-old.
How rude! I think Carole needs to work on being grateful for the strawberry penis God gave her. Size isn’t everything, Carole. Many of us would be overjoyed to have this lovely piece of dick fruit growing in our garden. I mean, if I wasn’t allergic to strawberries, I’d be happy to snack on this little fellow myself. [Metro UK]
Apparently, a crotch grab is the real way to a man’s heart — or to his nonexistent wallet. Two women in Seattle made a really, really poor robbery attempt after making a date with a man they casually seduced by grabbing his crotch.
According to police reports, the caretaker victim was helping a patient move out of his building when the two temptresses drove up, called him over, performed their subtle move, and set up a coffee date with him for the following day. Keep reading »
I believe this is what one would call a really bad trip. No one is really sure how, but a 41-year-old Columbus, Ohio, man managed to mutilate his own penis while high on mushrooms. The man was found naked and screaming in from of a Michigan middle school, bloody from the waist down, with parts of his genitals ripped off.
“He really wasn’t saying much at all — a lot of yelling and screaming. He wasn’t making sense. They couldn’t really communicate with him in terms of constructive conversation,” reports said. The man and his dismembered member were taken to the hospital, where he received emergency medical treatment. Once he sobered up and was in stable condition, he told authorities that he was in town visiting some friends and picked up the magic mushrooms earlier that day. He claims to have no history of mental illness or heavy drug use or self-mutilation.
Sometimes drugs are bad. [Metro UK]
Use of Sharpie. Check. Penis and balls. Check. Infantile potty humor. Check. These are all the key components needed for my entertainment. Behold the penis drawing machine, which is exactly what it sounds like: a contraption that doodles dicks with the press of a button. Where was this thing when I was in middle school? Earth Science would have been exponentially more exciting. [YouTube]
Having a partner with ejaculation problems is the best thing that ever happened to my sex life. He’s the love of my life and a passionate Duracell bunny of a lover who just keeps going until I’m satisfied, and (obviously, right?) I have no problems with my man’s inability to cum.
But while I’m writhing around with a satisfied smile of ecstasy at the end of another steamy marathon sex session, he worries he’s not a real man — and a quick search of Google shows he’s not the only one. There are no less than 182 million results for “I can’t ejaculate.” But despite this being a common problem there’s surprisingly little information out there about how to increase the chances of him climaxing.
With that in mind, my partner and I embarked on some (practical) research, and here are some tried and tested tips that should get even the most resistant of penises blowing their loads before you can say “baby wipe.” Keep reading »
“I could hardly dance, with an erection poking my partner … It’s not something you want to bring out at parties and show to friends,” Daniel Metzgar, the 44-year-old New Jersey man who is suing the doctor who gave him a bad penile implant, testified.
Metzgar told jurors that the inflatable prosthesis, given to him by urologist Thomas Desperito in 2009, left him with an erection that lasted for eight months. EIGHT MONTHS! That’s a really long time to walk around with a boner. Keep reading »
Santa Ana, California, woman Catherine Kieu Becker got really mad at her husband Glen for having an “inappropriate relationship” with someone. So mad that she drugged him, tied him to a bed with nylon ropes, and using a 10-inch knife, cut off his penis. She then threw the penis down the garbage disposal and turned it on, mutilating it beyond repair. Doctors were, not surprisingly, unable to reattach the organ, though Glen has now recovered and is out of the hospital.
On Monday, Becker was convicted of torture and aggravated mayhem. She’s facing life in prison without the possibility of parole. Our serious condolences to Glen.
Glen isn’t the only guy whose penis has been attacked. Of course, there’s the original penis victim, John Wayne Bobbitt, whose wife Lorena cut off his member in the middle of the night. But there are other guys out there whose penises have also been in peril. After the jump, we chronicle their stories. Keep reading »