Tag Archives: penis

Man Claims Motorcycle Gave Him A Two-Year Erection, Sues BMW For Emotional Distress

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When Henry Wolf hopped on his BMW motorcycle to take a leisurely four-hour ride, he never imagined that the ridged seat would give him an epic erection that was still going strong 20 months later. Now he’s suing BMW for lost wages, medical expenses, and mental and emotional distress. Since suffering from priapism (the medical term for a boner that just won’t quit), Wolf has been “unable to engage in sexual activity, which is causing him substantial emotional and mental anguish,” his lawyer stated in the lawsuit. No word yet from BMW, but apparently both the motorcycle and medical communities are baffled by Wolf’s condition, since motorcycle seats are much more likely to cause a very different problem: impotence. Either way, be careful out there, bikers: those seats are definitely not working in your favor. [Yahoo News]

Kylie Steger Was Not Amused By The Penis In Her Box

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Aussie mother Kylie Steger was not amused by the rude surprise inside her Hungry Jack fast food dinner. She was beyond pissed when she found a poorly drawn penis inside her hamburger box. “It literally made me sick … If they have drawn that in there, what else have they done to my burger?” Steger complained. I wonder if she would have felt differently if the penis rendering was more, well, professional. Hungry Jacks is taking the complaint “very seriously” and has launched an investigation to get to the bottom of the penis incident. I, on the other hand, can’t stop laughing. I would be thrilled if there was a penis in my box. Also, may I just point out that the name of the person who wrote this news item is Stuart Cumming. You’re welcome. [The Chronicle]

Mark Ruffalo’s Small Penis Doesn’t Change A Thing

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“That was my first day [on the set] and that was a miserable day. It was smoky, it was hell, and I felt really uncomfortable. I’m not well-endowed, and those suits don’t really show you off in the most …”

– Mark Ruffalo talks about some of the, uh, challenges of playing Hulk in “The Avengers.” No need to finish that sentence, Mark. I know where you’re going with that thought, and I should tell you right now that I don’t care about the size. You have nothing to apologize for. You are well-endowed with other things: talent, hotness, humbleness, chest hair. We shan’t speak of it again. Now, undress me! [WOW]

Charlize Theron Wants A Piece Of The Legendary Fass-Dong

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Michael Fassbender and Charlize Theron photo

“I have to say that I was truly impressed that [Michael Fassbender] chose to play it big. Most other actors would have gone small, trust me. No, I know because I’ve worked with them. Your penis was a revelation. I’m available to work with it any time.”

– Charlize Theron accepted a Human Rights Campaign award from Michael Fassbender on Saturday night and as is common courtesy, used the opportunity to praise the size of his cock. I hope she wasn’t referring to adorable little Patton Oswalt here. [E! Online]

Sex Lessons From Spiders: 5 Benefits Of The Detachable Penis

A recent study done with orb-web spiders found that about eight percent of the time male spiders left their entire penis behind to do the job for them. The job, in this case, meaning impregnating the female spider. That’s how they do out there in nature. I know, you men out there are cringing at the thought of losing your member, but this “eunuch phenomenon” or extreme genital mutilation, is not without purpose. After the jump, five reasons why leaving their d**ks behind is worth it for these eight-legged dudes (and the other animal species that castrate themselves like ants, scorpions and beetles). Something to consider. Keep reading »

Miley Cyrus Eats Liam Hemsworth’s Penis Cake Like A Pro

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Last week Miley Cyrus celebrated boyfriend Liam Hemsworth’s 21st birthday by licking a confectionery replica of a penis. My, what a large cake. She looks like she’s done this before. It’s all that any man could wish of his 19-year-old girlfriend — that she be well-versed in giving cake jobs. See the NSFW version after the jump. [TMZ] Keep reading »

Let’s Discuss Jessica Simpson’s Penis Mask

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OK. Once you’re done gawking at the absurdity of Jessica Simpson’s latest Twitpic, let’s talk about why she might be wearing this penis mask, which, may I add, is absolutely hideous. Penises are not the most attractive organs, but this mask is really doing dicks everywhere an injustice. She says it’s for a bachelorette weekend. But that’s too cruel to do to a bride-to-be. Is she trying to put the girl off sex for the rest of her life? I suspect this may be her way of telling us she’s having a boy. She does love a good Twitpic announcement. Discuss. [Buzzfeed]

Kate Beckinsale Loves A Good Penis Prank

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“We’d sort of had a little bit of an argument and [my mom] was leaving and my make-up artist had given me for Easter – I don’t know why – this enormous penis …  a rubber one … it was quite wobbly. It was definitely decorative. It wasn’t functional. I kept on stashing it in my trailer  and I thought, ‘I’m just gonna put it in her hand luggage when she goes to the airport and maybe that’ll somehow cheer us up,’ so I did that … I was gonna let it get to that point but my make-up artist was so horrified that I’d done it … I had to call her up and say, ‘Look, I’m really sorry, but just look in your bag.’ She went, ‘Oh my God, Kate, I can’t believe you’ve done it. What am I going to do with it?’ … I think she had to somehow dump it at the airport … I do like a penis joke. Doesn’t everybody? We have a tradition in my family now. Whenever I visit my mother’s house I always have to leave a banana and two apples, or whatever fruit she has, in a penis state in her fruit bowl just so she thinks of me when I’ve gone.”

– Kate Beckinsale on the penis prank she played on her mom. I respect Kate’s story. I strongly encourage humor of this sort. Fake penises, farts in jars, I love it all. The more, the better. My inner age is eight, by the way. [Starpulse]

Penis Tattoo Leaves Man With Permanent Boner

Things that we suspected might be a bad idea: getting your penis tattooed. A 21-year-old Iranian man was left with a permanent semi-boner after getting the phrase “good luck on your journeys” along with his girlfriend’s initials inked on his peen in Persian. After several days of post-tat healing, his pain began to subside, but his woody didn’t. According the to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, the tattoo artist “punctured too-deep holes that damaged vessels in his penis” causing blood pooling that resulted in the perma-rection. Since the guy is still able to achieve full erections and have sex, he’s more or less okay with his always hard d**k. Meanwhile, doctors are taking this opportunity to remind us that penile tattooing is dumb. But we already suspected as much. Maybe he should get the tattoo changed to read, “Good luck with your permanent erection.” [MSNBC]

17 Famous Man Bulges

Oh, hello there. We were feeling a little on the pervy side today, because, you know, that’s how we roll, and of course, there’s the new David Beckham H&M ads where he’s clad only in underwear. What a fine piece of man he is. This pic is sure to become a man bulge classic. We put two and two together and dang it! If men feel they can just stare at our breasts when we walk down the street, then we can Google “famous man bulge” and post the results here. Enjoy! [Just Jared]

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