In an act of true patriotism, Condomania.com did a little research on the United States’ size trends based on who bought the highest numbers of larger-sized condoms. “America’s first online condom store” used the data to put together a handy list that ranks our great 50 states by the size of their residents’ junk. Since the ranking is based solely on sizes purchased rather than the dudes’ actual measurements, the results kind of neglect the fact that lots of men are buying the wrong condom size plenty of the time, for all kinds of reasons. But this is all in good fun anyway, so the results don’t need to be perfect, right? After all, size isn’t the huge deal that certain bros seem to see it as. Check out the surprising findings here, listed from largest to smallest. Do with this info what you will – and maybe consider watching “Fargo” as foreplay from now on. Nothing says sexy quite like the Plains States. [Time; Cosmopolitan]
In his memoir, Undisputed Truth, Mike Tyson revealed that he used a fake penis with someone else’s clean urine to pass drug tests. Chelsea Handler, being Chelsea Handler, wanted to know all the details. Here’s Tyson explaining how he used a fake dick connected to a jock strap to hide his drug use, which apparently was not very difficult because the drug tester usually doesn’t stare at your junk while you submit your sample. Also, it can’t be used like a dildo. Well. That is more than I wanted to know about the penis of a convicted rapist. Er, fake penis. [YouTube.com/ChelseaLately]
Nothing says peace on Earth, sugar cookies and Grandma like Christmas carols played with bells attached to a dude’s junk, amirite? Kmart’s holiday commercial features six male models shaking bells on their penises — hidden beneath their Joe Boxers, of course — to the tune of “Jingle Bells.” The gag is subtle enough that little kids might not understand, but strange enough that adults will feel a mix of “ew” and “cool!” Whether you think playing “Jingle Balls” with your junk is vulgar or good-natured fun, you have to admit it takes coordination! [AdWeek]
Christian Scientists are not known for their sense of humor, but have a look at this bird’s-eye view of the Christian Science Society of Dixon, Illinois, and tell me that God isn’t laughing right about now. Furthermore, the congregation’s slogan is “rising up.” All of the jokes have already been made. I didn’t even have to do a damn thing. [via Gawker]
I feel pretty confident making a broad sweeping generalization about this: losing your penis is every man’s worst nightmare. For one Colombian politician, that nightmare became a reality after an overdose of Viagra. The 66-year-old man didn’t just suffer through an erection that lasted longer than four hours — his boner ached for “a few days” after taking too many little blue pills. Doctors eventually had to amputate his “inflamed, fractured” penis after it showed signs of gangrene. GANGRENE ON HIS PENIS, YOU GUYS! Bruising on his testicles only exacerbated this gentleman’s horror, although fortunately his testicles are still attached.
Well, there’s one less politician with a willy he can photograph. Perhaps Anthony Weiner should be taking notes. [Raw Story] [Image of man looking at his penis via Shutterstock]