Alan Wieder is not embarrassed to talk about his wang. In fact, he’s written an entire memoir about getting to know his … er … penis better. Year of the Cock: The Remarkable True Account of a Man Who Left His Wife and Paid the Price chronicles the year (ironically, the year of the rooster—hee hee) that Alan decided to follow his little head on a destructive journey. He packed up his things and moved out of his home, ready to pursue his fantasy of becoming a hardcore bachelor. During this premature mid-life crisis, he buys a vintage Porsche, bangs lot o’ chicks, and becomes obsessed with the size of his member. I know what you’re thinking. What a jerk! Why would I want to spend 300 pages reading about penile insecurity? Because Alan’s hilarious and, somehow, his year of cockiness is refreshing. Trust me, you’ll laugh too hard to judge him.

I have been writing bad poetry for as long as I can remember. Well, at least since I penned the gripping haiku, “The Spark,” in 7th grade. I can’t share it … it’s just too embarrassing. But yes, it does follow the 5-7-5 syllable pattern. Can I still write a hard-hitting haiku? Yes, I believe I can. And now I have the chance I’ve been waiting for. Alan Wieder, author of the new memoir Year of the C**k, which chronicles his penile trials and tribulations, is having a contest to find the best haikus about his favorite topic … the penis. You bet your c**k I am entering my phaiku (penis + haiku) on his website for a chance to win an autographed copy of the book. Check out my masterpiece after the jump. [Asylum]

Our friends over at Asylum created a handy guide on “How to Praise Your Lady’s Vagina.” Do guys really need tips on stuff like that? What is the proper etiquette for a vagina conversation? Do women actually need vagina compliments? Anyway, “Your vagina is so much hotter than my last girlfriend’s vagina” inspired us to create a comparable list for the ladies. Face-to-face with a man’s penis, what’s a girl supposed to say? Our suggestions, after the jump!

The Frisky’s own Leonora has just moved to France, and we miss her already! She’s having all kinds of new experiences, I’m sure. Fondling haute couture, chowing down on cheese and baguette, and, of course, falling for some handsome gentlemen. But being a nice Jewish girl, I have a feeling Leo the lover has never come head-to-head, er face-to-face, with an uncircumcised guy. And just like a lot of foreign films that come out of Europe, they’re uncut. So, I’m going to give our fair Leo some pointers on how to manhandle her future friends with foreskin.

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that folks back in olden times (a) had a sense of humor and (b) had dirty minds just as bad as ours. But it’s true. An art restorer at the Louvre was tasked with restoring Nicolas Poussin’s 17th century painting “Hymenaios Disguised as a Woman During an Offering to Priapus,” which shows the god of marriage (Hymenaois) giving a gift to the god of fertility (Priapus). Underneath many layers of paint, she found that ... Priapus has an erect penis that’s, well, basically porn-star sized. The restoration team thinks that the peen was probably in the original work and that, years later, another artist covered it up after getting complaints from the Catholic Church. An alternate theory is that, back in the day, artists would paint their subjects nude and then paint clothes on top so as to make them as realistic as possible. Who knows which theory is right, but if you happen to be in Brazil next week, go check out the unveiling of the restored painting at the Museu de Arte de São Paulo. [The Art Newspaper]

After seeing “Bruno,” one of my male friends went on a 5-minute rant about how penises in movies are always played for laughs. In his opinion, the nudity law of cinema is that when a woman’s naked, it’s completely serious or titillating, but when a peen pops up on screen, it’s meant to be hilarious. He repeatedly asked the question—why?

We’ve told you about legendary rock star penises and actor penises, but now we’re going to bring you: the world’s oldest prick! (No, it’s not Bob Barker.) The 400 million year old fossil was actually just discovered by the aptly named Australian palaeontologist Dr. Long (you just can’t make this crap up!). Anyhoo, his research team from the Museum Victoria found the prehistoric boner in some fish bones. The Devonian era fossil remarkably had something to hold onto. Published in the Nature journal, it was a breakthrough discovery that linked some “structures in the pelvic fin that suggested copulation” which is awesome because while they had uncovered lady bits, as Dr. Long put it, “we hadn’t found the business end of how they were doing it.” That is until now…

The best cure for a bad case of the Mondays: Russell Brand’s penis sack. In a hilarious video on The Sun‘s website, the bromantic comedian jokes around about the purse he has to stick his junk in when he films a sex scene. Who knew they had to bag it all up? Awkies! Um, and now that we know there’s nudity, we can’t wait to see Russell’s next movie! [The Sun]

It seems like only yesterday that MTV was promising to create a lineup of kinder, gentler new programming. Apparently, that’s off the table. Now, the struggling-for-a-new-identity-in-the-digital-age network is courting the kind of racy content once only fit for HBO. Possibly inspired by the buzz surrounding HBO’s new show, “Hung,” in which one well-endowed guy turns to male prostitution to pay the bills, MTV has announced a new show in development: “Hard Times.” Executive produced by David Katzenberg, who is best known for dating Nicky Hilton and Mary-Kate Olsen, in addition to being the son of Jeffrey Katzenberg, the CEO of DreamWorks, and Seth Grahame-Smith, who’s written books about porn and zombies, the series focuses on one RJ Berger, a “desperately unpopular” 15-year-old. That is! Until, one day, when he reveals to his student body that he is generously gifted below the waist. Hilarity ensues, I am sure. As for why the network is developing a TV show that amounts to a protracted d*** joke: “MTV declined to comment.” [Hollywood Reporter] 

Sometimes there really is too much of a good thing. Ang Qiang, a 23-year-old Chinese man, was born with two penises and after a few months of dating, his girlfriend began to find it a bit, um, unappealing. “When we first started going out she was amazed,” Qiang said, “But in the end she thought it was a bit creepy.”  I love that he was willing to undergo surgery to satisfy his girl, but am I the only one surprised that it took an ultimatum for him to want to get rid of the extra appendage? [Metro.co.uk]

I have a friend who is one of those crazy people who loves spotting “Hidden Mickeys” in Disney movies. I’ve made fun of her for years, but now I totally have found my own version of the game thanks to the blog We Have Bananas, which finds phalluses almost everywhere. My favorite pics from the site, after the jump. [We Have Bananas]

This Sunday, June 28, at 10 p.m., HBO is premiering a new show, “Hung.” Guess what it’s about? A guy who turns to prostitution to make a living. Step aside, “Belle de Jour.” Get out of here, “The Girlfriend Experience.” Call-girls are, like, so 2008. 2009 is all about guys who sell their bodies to make ends meet. The dramatic comedy stars Thomas Jane as Ray Drecker, an all-star high school athlete who ends up as a high school basketball coach whose wife dumps him for her dermatologist. Casting about for something to do with his life and make some money, Drecker takes note of his well-endowed physique and sets about renting it out by the hour. Uh, “The Sopranos” it ain’t. It’s “Boogie Nights” meets the recession! Are you going to tune in or tune it out?

Perverted, inquiring minds want to know: how deep can a man’s love go? While the vag is designed to accommodate the shape of whatever penis it gets poked with, guys, you can’t blame us for fantasizing about your phallus. Sure, we all know size is almost completely irrelevant when it comes to actually orgasming, especially since roughly 80% of women only get off with clitoral action. Frankly, we Frisky gals have certainly seen a range of shapes and sizes, and have never been discouraged. I swear, Dr. V is no size queen! I’ve had not-so-hot sex with men who didn’t know how to bank on their impressive endowments, and have had gigantic O’s from little dudes who’ve proven less can really be more. But still, for some reason, dicks are a big deal. So, here are some helpful hints on how you can size up a man while he’s still got his pants on.

Parents just don’t understand. Back in high school, my dad dissed a dude with green dreads who came to pick me up for a date. Pops just wouldn’t let my knight in shining Doc Martens take me to the movies. It was totally embarrassing and infuriating, so, in retaliation, I dyed my hair bright red. Ha, take that! But now I’m beginning to think I’m not really that bad ass. Over the weekend, a 25-year-old Egyptian man took rebellion to a whole new level—crotch level, that is. The man lives in Qena, an impoverished and very old school region in the south of Egypt, where marriage is seen as a contract rather than an eternal union with a soul mate. This young guy, who comes from a wealthy family, fell in love with one of the regular people. After two years of his father refusing to let him marry the lady from a lower class, the man lowered his pants and chopped off his own penis. Ouch! That’s love? Though he was rushed to the hospital, doctors weren’t able to reattach his member. Now that the son has shown he’s got, um, balls, will his parents cut him off completely? [Boston Globe]

I consider myself a lucky gal. When I go shopping, I always find something amazing, on sale, in my size. My FriskyScopes are always freakishly dead on, and Kiki sends them to me in advance. I’ve got great friends, a wonderful family, and the best dog in the world. Oh, and I’ve never encountered a truly freakish wang in all my years of boning—unless you count the guy whose balls were so ginormous that they dwarfed his average-sized member. After the jump, the ladies share their experiences with the many varieties of penes. (That’s the plural form of penis, dick lovers!).

Days like this make me love my job. I spent the last hour reading an article about the human penis: “Secrets of the Phallus: Why Is the Penis Shaped Like That?” Written by Jesse Bering at Scientific American, the piece explores the research of evolutionary psychologist Gordon Gallup at SUNY Albany, who has spent his life wondering why in the hell the human penis is so funny looking. After the jump, eight impressive and interesting tidbits from his research, including how I might someday bear the child of Ryan Gosling.

If you live under a rock, you might not be aware that “Watchmen” opens this weekend. Based on the comic book series of the same name, the superhero flick is set in the Cold War era of the ‘80s, a Doomsday world in which superheroes are more complex than heroic. Billy Crudup stars as Dr. Jon Osterman, a.k.a. Doctor Manhattan, a computer-generated superhero who glows a digital blue after a radioactive accident. (Check out the trailer here.) So, what’s the big deal? Well, Dr. Manhattan is causing a kerfuffle because he spends part of the movie totally naked. Now, movie critics are left figuring out how to describe the Dr.‘s dangle. A few of the best, after the jump.