High on my list of lifetime headdesks is a morning on which I set off to “sweep” a terrain park on a mountain to declare it open and I suddenly needed to pee. I was a ski patroller, wearing the heroic black bib and brace with the yellow medical cross on my back, so I skied under the ropeline, past the “closed” sign, and traversed past the ski jumps to take a piss. I had my suspenders and pants down around my ankles when I heard the telltale crunch of a snowboarder grinding to a halt just above me. His face dropped as we locked eyes. He mouthed a silent “fuck,” then kicked the board to face down the hill and took off.
Dear all: You do not beat a ski patroller down a hill. I yanked my pants up and skated after him, cranking my best G.S. technique until I cut him off. “Did you ski under a closed ropeline?!” I asked him rhetorically. “DO YOU SEE WHY THIS RUN WAS CLOSED?” He hung his head silently. “SHOULD ANYONE HAVE TO SEE WHAT YOU HAD TO SEE??” He shook his head. This was an existential question; he understood. I let him go. So many people saw my butt during my ski days. It was the peeing. Peeing in storm-force winds, peeing on 30-degree slopes, peeing as tourists in jeans whizzed by. Some of the most difficult peeing of my life, really. Keep reading »
With the pretty lights and copious booze, New Year’s Eve is the ideal setting for romance to bloom. Or, at least, to cop a drunken feel.
All you have to do is make sure you don’t piss all over yourself… Keep reading »
I don’t know about you, but I’ve always been okay with peeing in the ocean. Mostly because it’s annoying to pee when you’re wearing a one-piece bathing suit, which I wore when I was a kid, so I just got into the habit of letting it flow in the ocean. I think most people feel that it’s harmless and even enjoy peeing in the ocean, although some people seem to believe it’s wrong and/or weird. Inevitably, these non-ocean urinators are met with a slew of justifications from the pro-ocean urinators: That’s where the fish pee! The salt water makes the already sterile urine even more sterile! Or something! Everyone does it! The natural world is our toilet! Keep reading »
I always knew that boys were kind of gross. But it’s apparently worse than I thought: a Latvian designer has created a built-in sink on urinals to encourage more men to wash their hands after peeing.
According to a study by Michigan State University, 15 percent of men don’t wash their hands at all after handling their sweaty junk, compared with only seven percent of women. These icky icksters then go touch your elevator buttons, bus poles, and salad tongs at Whole Foods. The study also found that only one in 20 people wash their hands long enough to kill dangerous germs after using the facilities. Norovirus for everybody! Keep reading »